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Why does he watch me sleep?
Its been occasions when I would wake up with this sense of someone watching me and low and behold, this fool [ex boyfriend] be at the end of the bed [never in the bed] staring at me. He doesn’t notice I’m laying there watching him watching me because its dark in the room. So he’s standing there staring at me; watching me for 2-3 minutes until he walks out of the room and 3-5 minutes later he comes back in and does it again. This has been going on for the past 5 months or so. I’ve even told him I know he watches me sleep and he tells me, I “sleep funny”. How in the hell does one sleep ‘funny’? Other times when I’m tossing and turning in my sleep and he’s up and about moving around in the apartment, he’ll walk in and start talking to me like I’m wide awake and giving him my undivided attention. I don’t know what’s going on with him but I seriously need to get the hell out of here. Living with an ex boyfriend is awkward as it is.
I honestly don’t think he does this because he loves me or to see me at peace and or that I look, calm and beautiful when I’m sleep. I’ve heard all of that before. Plus its dark as hell in the room, honestly what can he see in a pitch black ass room? Besides me seeing that awful bright white ass t-shirt he wears, not a damn thing.
I am so not flattered that he’s doing this; I’m pretty much creeped out. His posture and the way he tilt his head to one side and just stands there and watch…-shivers. I’m beginning to believe he does this to make sure I’m not waking up so he can sneak and do shit on my computer without my knowledge. My computer is in the living room and the bed is loud as hell so when I’m moving, I’m sure the next door neighbors can hear the bed. If I were to move to get up, what ever he is doing in the next room would and could be gone before I sit up to put on my house shoes.
If I were to ask why he watches me sleep, I won’t get an answer. I’ve known this man for 6 years; asking him anything would be a lost cause. My gut is telling me he’s out to get me [that was a joke...I think].
I have the perfect picture I took of when one of my Sims in The Sims 3 was watching someone sleep. This is exactly what he be looking like. Never knew this picture would come in handy:
The Boyfriend with NO Complaints
Should I be concerned that the boyfriend I’ve known for 4-5 years now have no complaints about me and our relationship? He told me in a myspace message [it was a while back like way before I moved in and I barely got to see him] that he has a hard time expressing himself, mostly about his life. He basically said he don’t want to make his problems mine so he tries to avoid that as much as possible. Anyway, I’m just curious as to why I don’t get feedback on how a good or bad of a girlfriend I am. He can’t even tell me what he likes about me or why he loves me. [He don't even say those 3 words any more].
I’m starting to believe that moving in was a bad idea. There’s no time to miss each other being that me and him are both unemployed at the moment. So we’re always seeing each other. We eat, sleep, play and everything else together. But no matter how many arguments we get into or opportunities he have to tell me about me he don’t. Yes, I’ve tried asking him but he just changes the subject so I leave it alone. Maybe its just me.
A Relationship That Should of Never Been…
Where should I begin? The beginning is a bit too far but I guess I could start there. Before I do, I would just like to note that life, love, living is what you make it. Whether if its with a companion or alone, its your choice on how it ends.
I met Cedric on a social networking site, I had just moved back in at my grandmothers place because she needed help with her grand kids. I haven’t been on that site in 2 years before I had moved out so I decided to see if the site was still up and running, and it was. I was 19 at the time and being that he was 25 or 26 then he seemed younger than that. We talked online for a while, its a blur who started talking to who first, anyway we talked on the site for a while then migrated to Yahoo Messenger then gradually we started talking on the phone. We got up to the point to where we decided that we should finally meet up some where, at this time we weren’t together because I don’t believe in internet relationships. So, we set up a day and I met him downtown except I didn’t get to see him, I waited for a good hour or so and decided to get on the bus and go home. So an hour after I get home Ced messages me on Yahoo Messenger asking where was I, I told him I was in front of Tower City and I hopped on the #6 when I thought you weren’t coming. He then began asking me was that me who got on the bus when he was getting off? He mentioned the pink Nikes I had on and I then began to say yea, so we set up another day and this time he came and picked me up, I thought it was really cute at the time. So we’re on the #8 bus heading downtown and he’s looking at me asking all these questions on the bus like they couldn’t wait til we got to his place. Mind you, when I saw him in his pictures, he looked a lot taller but when he finally came to pick me up all of that changed. I thought he was one of my younger sisters friends coming to see them but it was him. I was light way embarrassed because of that.
Anyway, we get to his place and he grabs my bags and hooked up my Nintendo GameCube that he decided that we should play. We made it more interesting by making it a strip game, the rules were simple, for every race we did who ever lost had to strip off a piece of clothing. Well I was winning but Ced was making up all of these new rules the whole time so we dismissed that idea and decide to go in his room and watch the movie Life. I had a few drinks around this time so after me being intoxicated I don’t really remember what happened. That following morning I had a hangover and my stomach was upset I kept vomiting so he suggested I take a shower cause my pores were just reeking Aboslut Apeach Vodka so I hopped in the shower and he suggested I drink some water, well it was making me sick so I drink it anyway and decided it was time for me to head home, he wanted to walk me to the elevator but when we hit the corner right where the elevator was I said, “I think I got to throw up…” then I threw up and we headed back to his apartment. I was feeling great then, but I wanted to clean that mess up that I left in the hallway but Ced insisted that I just head home and that he will get the janitor to clean it up. So I finally leave and made it home with my GameCube and I decided to take a nap. At this point, I didn’t know what to think, my head was hurting so I couldn’t think too much but I don’t know what he thought of me, I mean that was my first time meeting someone off of a website like that and you know first impressions are everything. That whole time though I really wanted to remember the night before but never could, it kind of frustrated me that I would get that loose like that. Even though there was some things going on with at that time and I needed an excuse to get away from it all but I was expecting to do that in the comfort of my own home.
I thought Ced was adorable and really funny, even though I couldn’t remember most of the night after I got drunk, I had a pretty good time. Well as time progressed we became a thing and he made me happy and I guess I made him happy. I believe at one point we were in love, I mean it were times where I didn’t want to go home or there were times where I just wanted to be around him, I missed him a lot and we told each other we loved each other a lot. My life was okay at this time, it was the end of 2006 and I really thought I was going to bring in the new year on a good foot and I did for a minute.
After we got comfortable with each other, that’s when the arguing started. Its February of 2007 and I’m arguing with him and the fact that he’s still on that site. He would just say he on there for entertainment and such but I knew better, or maybe I was just paranoid. I mean the arguing would just make me unreasonable decisions and a few of them were me leaving him. Well I had gotten enough of him around Spring and decided to call it quits and I left him and started messing with someone else April and May but that didn’t last long and I was with someone else in June, that relationship lasted a good 7 months. To this day I still don’t understand what I saw in that fool but I’m glad he dumped me like he did. Shows me that there are cowardly, pitiful, sad men out there and that was just a lesson I needed to learn. I was hurt about that for a while but I got over it. Ced was in and out of the picture towards the end of the relationship I was having with someone else. Well when it was over we began talking again and I kept leaving him because it felt like I was wasting my time with him, It was like how it used to be.
Its 2008 at this time and things have gotten worse for me as far as family and my health was concerned. I was ready to commit suicide but I don’t know what kept me from doing it, I was so ready to just end it. Now that I think about it, I don’t recall why I wanted to end my life, I just hope I never feel like that ever again. I mean its been like that for 18-19 years, I thought I was over thinking about death. Anyway, my family as being a royal pain to me and was giving me such a problem I just wanted to get away from it all. I think at this time I was talking to Ced yet again and I was just being to myself and just hanging with a few of my male friends. Well, I cut them loose as soon as I got back with Ced. Anyway, I was bringing in 2009 on a sour foot but I had Ced there with me in my mind because yet again I broke up with him just to want him back. Around October or November of 2008 my grandmother decided to kick me out and to have the police do it as a bonus. I had just left Ced again and when I had moved back in with my grandmother it was like she didn’t want me to and I didn’t know why I didn’t keep entertaining that idea that she didn’t but I ignored it. Well after 2 weeks she had decided to kick me out so I had the police drop me off at Ced’s house, at this point I’m so angry with myself I just began crying. Ced was in the other room knocked out so I tried to keep it down. What is so interesting about Ced is that when I’m sad he have this vibe or body language as if he don’t know what to do, when my best friend died I could feel that he felt really awkward standing there rubbing my back. I just wanted to hug and just cry on his shoulder but then I just felt that would just make the awkward feeling a lot worse and I didn’t want to do that.
Well from that point on to now we’ve been together since. I haven’t broken up with him, we still argue but not a lot, I mean what relationship don’t have arguments? During this whole time, I just tried to focus on making him happy cause I pictured how he would be before he even met me and he seemed like he was alone with only his friends to come by and break his shit or have someone rob him. I seriously just wanted to be there for him and I still do, I honestly don’t want to lose him. When that shooting happened here in this building I didn’t know what to do, I was just thinking about the worse case scenario that afternoon and that made it worse, I was so scared and I just knew if he was killed or hurt I would never get over that. He may not realize it but I really love him more than he will ever know. We don’t tell each other we love each other any more but I think we need to. I’m not going any where and neither is he, I’m going to be there for him even if this relationship don’t work out. It just feels like, I’m the only one that would, could, will put him and his bullshit I guess. I don’t know how else to put it but its not bad bullshit its Ced bullshit…lol. I mean he’s him and and someone sane or some what sane wouldn’t be able to tolerate his behind. He don’t have to worry about being alone any more he has me to piss off and then five minutes later make me laugh. In all my years on this Earth, he is the only one that I can just get made for 2 minutes and just be okay after that. I can never stay mad at him, I never been the one to hold grudges but they usually last longer than 5-6 minutes, I just cannot stay mad at him. That’s probably why I kept coming back to him. Its not that I enjoyed what he was doing to make me leave even though I think it was just me being over emotional, it was because I could actually say I love him and meant it.
He always tried to make me happy but I guess I was used to not being happy I didn’t know what made me happy any more, I was too focused on trying to make him happy but he always told me to not worry about him and that he will be okay. If I would of listened to him, I wouldn’t be here right now. Even though I make fun of his height, I love all 5’5″ of him and I hope he knows that I adore his high-yellow behind. Even though he tried to kill my stuffed dog when I first met him…even my ex tried to kill him so I just gave it to my grandmother. I didn’t like red, neither 
does Ced, and neither did that horrid ex of mine so I guess that was a sign to get rid of it. Here’s a picture of him in the act…
For a minute I was convinced when he said that we were too alike for the relationship to work, well I beg to differ. We may have some things about us that are the same but we are totally different in so many ways.
Another thing, he’s a Christian, I’m an Atheist. I don’t have a problem at all with his religion and he don’t care about my anti-religion. That’s just one of the things we can agree on, a religion doesn’t make a relationship stronger. I’m living proof that it doesn’t, it doesn’t make it stronger or weaker. It depends on the person and what they believe or don’t believe in. Anyway, I’ve said some hateful and cruel things to him and about him over the years. I just hope he know I’m sorry and I didn’t mean any of that shit I said. He knows I say shit when I’m angry regardless of what people say about what people say when they’re angry. He pisses me off cause I love him, I wouldn’t get so angry with him if I didn’t love him. He’s crazy though to want me to give him 3 girls and 5 boys. I want all boys but he wants 3 girls, I mean I can understand why though but that’s something I’m not going to mention in this blog. All in all this relationship should of never been one but I’m glad it did and I’m happy/grateful that he’s in my life. He’s exactly what I need to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
Ced is Talking to My Video Games
This is not your normal, “Man how he get around the corner so quick, I know I had him beat!” type talking. He’s not having pep talks he having basically full blown conversations with Call of Duty. It doesn’t matter which one he’s playing hell it don’t matter what he’s playing right now. The fact that I had to keep looking over my shoulder to try and ease my uneasiness by hoping he had the headphone in talking to someone online like that but nooooo it never happened. That’s like going to refrigerator once and seeing there is nothing in there to eat then turning around 5 minutes later returning hoping something is in there. I love my boyfriend and he knows I sit there and make fun of him and laugh at him when he does it because its like he don’t notice. So I decided to blog about it and a lot of people found it funny… Anyway, my boyfriend of 5 going on 6 years was sitting on the couch talking to the tv I should say. The conversations went like this…
Ced: The grenade to glory!
Ced: I’m 16-4 I cannot let my team down
Ced: I see you over there, I’ll get to ya in a minute.
Ced: Oh my goodness he shot me and I was trying to shoot him. I’ll be back for you soon.
Ced: Let me just get over here and handle you right quick.
Ced: Just one more rank and I get the good guns!
Ced: I need to get dressed for this meeting.
Ced: Dogs…get em!
Ced: Bullshit…only in your dreams!
Ced: I stabbed you!
Ced: Its cool, I’ll be right back to take our shit!
Ced: No explosion?!?!
Ced: This invisible ass dude just shoots me in my face with a sniper rifle three inches from my face and I don’t see him…bullshit.
Ced: No stop jumping!
Ced: You lagging ass bitch! I see that now, its not me, its you!
Ced: Fuck it, we’ll get all three tanks then.
Ced: Ha ha! I know they mad.
He had to go to a hearing/meeting but he has returned with a lot to say. So he begins to talk at me not to me but at me. I know that really doesn’t make sense but in my head and what I’m witnessing it does. So now he’s adding my name along with his conversations. Saying at the end of every sentence. I knew I shouldn’t of woke up.
Ced: They pwn’ing me Lee.
Ced: Fucking n00bs Lee.
Ced: They cheating Lee.
Ced: There is so much lag Lee.
Ced: I got something for they ass Lee, just wait til I level up Lee.
Ced: I got to get this rank Lee.
This is very scary/odd because I’ve never witnessed this before. This is something new, maybe I’m over exaggerating because its so early in the morning, I’m never up this early in the morning. I was woke by a very loud ass computer alarm clock and it scared me shit-less. Now I’m wide awake with nothing to do but listen to Cedric talk to inanimate object…the television. Its crazy because its like he’s not talking to me but someone sitting next to him playing right along with him. This shit is very scary, not funny to the least. I just wish I can go back to sleep.
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Ced
Ced, he’s my boyfriend of 4 going on 5 years. I love this man to death. There are days where I want to just bear hug his small short ass and there’s other days where I want to slap the arrogant words out of his mouth. Standing at 5’5″ while I’m 5’9″, you would think I would just smack him around and make him my bitch. Lol, just joking. We are different in so many ways but alike at the same time. This relationship has always been rocky but it has kept me around because I seriously think I’m the only one that can put up with his bullshit these days. See I’m bi-polar and it doesn’t help that sometimes the things he says triggers my short temper. I have high blood pressure amongst a lot of other things; Ced seems to cope with it very well. He doesn’t have a problem though telling me things that I can’t do. I never believed in the word “can’t” So it kind of hurts that he does.
Sometimes, it feels he doesn’t even know me. I don’t really know him like I truly want to. We barely talk like normal human beings. Its hard to explain but we don’t talk about things that normal relationships talk about. We have an understanding though, its an understanding no one else but us would understand but its very well understood.
We sleep in different rooms; why? Because he likes to be up late on the computer and the clicking and laughing he does drives me nuts so I sleep on the couch. I don’t think it bothers him much, he don’t have to share a bed with me. I don’t snore or anything, its just that I like to go to sleep immediately, like as soon as I get tired. Sleep for me is hard to come by. I have Chronic Insomnia so I want every wink when I lay my head down. For a minute I think it was bothering him that I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed with him any more. For a minute I really didn’t care, I kind of still don’t. Actually I really don’t. I need my sleep dammit.
I’ve left this guy and came back to him over 6 times. He’s “trying to change” I guess but he still find ways to hurt me without thinking he’s hurting me. See if he sat down and talked or at least listened to me then maybe he wouldn’t have to get cursed out when I snap at him. See he says he don’t know how to be in a relationship. So Why should I leave him because of that? If I leave him and he starts a relationship with someone else they not gone have the patience I have or understand him. That’s not obligating me to stay, I’m staying with him because I love him. He has flaws and I have flaws. I have to work this out wit him cause he’s all I have. I don’t have a family, I just him. Really that’s all I really need, I don’t need the privilege of having a bunch of friends, all that is gone do for me is a bunch of trouble.
Sometimes I have to ask myself, “why do he love me, why does he put up with me?” I have yet to find an answer. I haven’t heard the words “I love you” in a while. I haven’t said it lately either. When we first met I do believe we were in love and we just told each other that every chance we got. Now that we’re living together its like it isn’t an option to say it or not. We already know.
I have bent over backwards for Ced. They say love make you do crazy things. Well I haven’t done anything crazy yet. Probably cause I’ve always been crazy so I’ve probably done crazy shit but its a normalcy to me. I’m not your average person. I’m a rare find to a lot of men these days. I have logic, brains, talents, looks. Its a shame that Ced don’t realize what he have until its half way out the damn door.
Ced, is some what a pig. He’s gotten lazy and I’m going to break him of that. He’s talking about bringing children into this world. Well I cannot have my children thinking its okay to live in filth or don’t take the responsibility in cleaning after themselves. That’s a hell no in my book. I refuse to let my kids see that shit. See he’s 27 and I’m 21 and he acts younger than I do at times. He’s witty and very smart. The things he say will probably have you in tears cause he’s so hilarious at times. He do though know how to push my buttons, he’s not really passionate or affectionate and that bugs me too. Only time he’s like that is during sex, or if we’re watching a movie. Other times he’s poking me and just doing shit you would do to your little brother if you had one. I feel like a sibling to him at times. Is it because I play video games? Nah, I hope not.
Basically, there are things I would like to see change concerning him but mostly I love him the way he is. Just like he love me and my over 200 scars and other flaws that come with me the way I am. I would go to hell and back for him as many times as I he wanted me too, I would die for him cause without him I wouldn’t have shit else to live for.
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About You
Well, since you basically hung up on me I guess since I’m through blogging the shit out and actually verbally speaking to you would be like talking to a brick wall. I mind as well just sit here and type it being the fact the Internet isn’t working.
You really know how to piss someone off. Besides, coming over entertaining you with a damn 360 or helping you buy groceries what else am I good for? What kind of shit is “you wouldn’t understand”? How the fuck do you know that? Sometimes I wonder why do I even waste my damn time, why the fuck do I even bother?
You swear up and down your life is worse than mines when you don’t even know half the shit I’m even going through besides excruciating back pains that happens 24/7. Besides watching my grandmother watch her son die, she’s dying herself. Its 3 really sick individuals that live in one house, 9/10 my mother or grandmother is going to have to bury their daughter/granddaughter. Being the fact that you didn’t know but when I am here most of the time, I have to be in a wheel chair, sometimes I wake up and can’t move my legs cause of the car accidents. It really happens when I wake up and it looks like that shit only happens when I’m HERE in hell. I’m bi-polar, I refused to believe it at first but now I can’t deny it. This surgery I’m suppose to have next month, there’s a possibility I could DIE. I’m supposed to be in school and out by now, I should be having a career, I’m supposed to have my shit together but I don’t. I have a mother who sits in her room around the clock and drinks and only comes out to bark orders. She doesn’t even look me in the face let alone speak to me. I have siblings who don’t give a damn about the person who raised them their whole lives and I have to deal with that shit every time I’m here. I’m a prisoner here cause I don’t want to leave my grandmother here. I’m unhealthy cause of it. I have emotions I can’t control and others I can’t express. I have alcohol fetal syndrome and it only get worse as I get older. I’ve had two miscarriages. I’ve been raped before; I’ve been jumped more than I can remember. I’ve even had an abortion. I have thoughts about all these things on a daily basis. Besides totally losing it and nearly killing people…I’m sane as ever. All cause I’m more cold-hearted than you think. I can never worry about someone else problems cause they’ll never be mine. So what if someone has it worse, I can’t worry about that shit. I have to worry about if the shit that’s going on in my life doesn’t get worse. Yea you stay somewhere you don’t want to be; yea, you don’t have a job. I don’t have a job; I can basically never work unless I get a degree or some kind. There isn’t shit here in Cleveland. I don’t even care that I don’t know what you’re going through cause it can never amount to what I’m going through so to tell me that I wouldn’t understand is an insult.
You don’t know me at all. Not one bit. Majority of the shit that’s being said in this little I guess you can call “blog”, I’ve never told another soul. Since you feel I “wouldn’t understand”. You sir, really are a cruel person at heart and you can truly be an asshole. I have yet to wake up and answer the question I always ask the following night. What the hell do I see in you? I’m not the “yella” type…the niggas I fuck with is way past your complexion and is at least 5’9-6’10. I don’t know what it is. One day I’ll know. I mean that whole fucking time I was with that sorry ass excuse for a human being, I wanted to be with you; don’t know why but I did but the shit you did just pushed me away and you didn’t understand that. Its either what you want and not what someone else wants. I’m not the type to give someone my last or go through the things I did with you. The hell I look like paying someone else bills? I’m not that kind-hearted to NO ONE. But you I don’t know. It just felt like when I was doing those things that I had to prove something to you, just don’t really know what it is at the moment. I’ll never understand the things I’ve done.
I know one thing, before you; I didn’t care about the attention but its like now I need the attention. 3 years ago I could of cared less. Its just now I don’t get it as much, only when someone want something from me. You think you give me enough attention but you don’t. You can’t give me the excuse to why that I’m always sleep…I usually go to sleep cause you’re too busy on the computer. I sit and wait patiently and end up going to sleep.
That’s another thing, I don’t like conflicts, and I rather deal with shit than open my mouth, just to avoid arguments or shit that leads to one. I don’t like that at all. You have seen what happened when you screamed so imagine if I raised my own damn voice. I’m not gone make you change just for me. I try to keep you happy by letting you do what you want to do. I don’t like being the nagging broad or the person that no one wants to be around. I try my damnedest not to be someone that someone can’t stand so what do I do? I either keep myself occupied or take my ass to sleep. Yea there’s suppose to be communication throughout the relationship but when you know what’s going to happen when you try to communicate, you try avoiding it as much as possible. You either say, “no I don’t” or “why didn’t you say something” which you only say when I do say something and then you’ll say “no I don’t”. I’ll just be going in a big circle with you.
It’s sad that I have to do this through a word document on a computer. All cause I can communicate better this way. I’m a homebody; my grandmother shielded me from the world all the way up till I was 18. Things I’m supposed to know I don’t know. Feelings and emotions I supposed to have, I don’t have. Its not like I’m not trying to change that but I’ll have to undo all 18 years. That’s why I’m not a people person and yes they really do make me itch. I can’t be around too many people or I’ll get upset or mad. I’m not used to that shit. I’m not used to being around a large amount of people without constantly looking around me cause my grandmother put in my head ever since that I was little that someone is out to hurt and or kill me. It may not sound like her but you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Things always aren’t, as they seem. She’s my grandmother and I’ll personally kill someone for her or if someone hurt her cause yes she is the one who basically was my mother and father. She tried and now I’m trying. I’m trying to get on my own two feet.
Anyway, about you, you DO always have a lot of negative shit to say about me. Or concerning me, I don’t know why you do it but YOU DO. Again, I don’t waste my time lying on someone or to someone when the truth does more damage. I mean but damn, you seriously need to catch yourself. Some of the shit you say hurt even though I haven’t heard it all before. But someone who “supposedly” “loves” me doesn’t say hit like that. They’re supposed to be more supportive. Yea when I’m in pain you’ll help and all and I’m appreciative of that but that doesn’t dismiss the other hurtful shit you’ve done and I tend to put up with it. “How I’m supposed to know if you don’t say nothing”. Please keep that cause in a relationship its some things I’m not supposed to tell you, it’s supposed to be just that. You suppose to know certain things. If you’ve read this far and actually read it and not skimmed through it then; I’m amazed. Cause I have a lot to get off my chest about you.
I know in my heart that I love you with every part of my being and I don’t know why. It’s pissing me off and it frustrates me. I never asked anything of you, I don’t blame you for the situations you’re in, I don’t judge you cause of the fact that you’re in that part of your life that you’re in. Which is a slump. I don’t care about all of that cause that’s a part of life; everything isn’t going to go right. Look at me…nothing ever goes right for me. Here I am dying and I’m sitting here worrying about an overdue bill that was actually paid for.
Seven accidents? Who the hell survives 7 accidents, Superman? Not only do I ask what do I see in you before I go to sleep, I ask what the hell am I still here for? What is my sole purpose, to be God’s crash dummy? I know that was mean but, I’m dead serious. I’m losing all faith in this “God”. I’ve been praying for both of us since basically day one. I’ve lost faith in a lot of things but for some reason, every time I try and want to leave you cause of the relationship shit isn’t working out; I can’t. I don’t really want to. But what fool am I to keep putting up with bullshit here and there? Something HAS to shake.
I’m in pain majority of the day with the pain being from 5-10 not 1-10. It could be my legs hurting, my back hurting, my chest hurting, or all of it at once. I’ve been in so much pain and in so many types of pain, it’s so easy to ignore now. I’m basically used to it now. But when it’s a 10 and above then that’s where I gets mad and frustrated and cry. Cause I’m so sick of this pain and I’m sick of the tests and X-Rays and all of that other bullshit. I’m sick of taking walks and these Vitamin D consumptions. I’m sick of the pills. I want to be a normal 20 yr old. I want to be happy with life; I want to be able to walk places without worrying about if my legs are going to give way.
You are my escape from most horrible things that I deal with on a daily basis when I DO have your attention. Believe it or not, you don’t do much to make me happy. I may be a mean ass person sometimes but so what. It don’t take much to make me smile or laugh or keep me happy. If I’m around the right people, I’m happy. I’m a quiet person, who likes staying out of drama. I like keeping to myself and read. I’m a loner. I only have 3 GOOD friends. Even that is too much. I never had to worry about my “best friend” stealing my boyfriend. I never had to worry about my boyfriend sleeping with my sister. I never had to deal with most shit people with a lot of unnecessary friends have to deal with. & I like it being that way.
I don’t want you to change who you are if you know who you are; even if you don’t cause then I wouldn’t love you as much. Just don’t wait till last minute and look up and I’m gone …for good. I know for a fact though that’ll never happen cause I already told you that’ll I’ll always be there for you even if you don’t have anyone else if that means anything to you anyway. I seriously don’t know who you are, its hard figuring you out Ced. It truly is hard getting to know someone who can’t even come to me and just talk. I do want to talk and when I do try to talk you got your head so far up in the computer, I don’t know where you start and where the computer ends. Lately, you’ve been just light way ignoring me, you’ve probably been doing it all along, and I’m just now realizing it. I mean, I came to see you cause you missed me and I missed you even though I wasn’t feeling all that good and shit and you’re playing pool with some chick on Y! What was the point in me coming over then?
What’s the point in me even being with you when you got other females you openly respect more than me? Again please don’t tell me that I’m wrong, these are my feelings here so I cannot be wrong. I’m going by observations. It feels you only do things when your conscience feel guilty of something concerning of me. I may be way off but those are the feelings I’m feeling and those are the vibes I’m getting from you. I can read vibes really good, I can look at someone or be in a room with someone and in under 3 minutes I can know if I like them or not. I don’t have to know the person I just know that some people in my heart aren’t good or their vibes suck badly.
But like I said in my blog on myspace though, only but so much a person can put up with. If you appreciate them broads you’ll never meet more than me and they got more to offer than I do. Then go fuck them; let them put up with you, let them be there for you, over the net, let them love you. I’m sick of competing. Yes it feels I have to compete with them cause those broads are the world to you. You put off this vibe like they are, so right now to me they are. I’m not the type who like losing but I’m not a sore loser so if I lose to some CS/Myspace broad, then so be it. I’ll just be a friend whose just keeping a promise that I made to myself. If at the end all I can be is your friend then that’s what it’s going to be.
Wow four pages. By now you’ve probably closed the window and went back to COD4 or GHIII or Y! Pooling. Or I can do one better, browsing CS. Sometimes I wonder if that’s more important. It looks like it is. In a few months or less, I’m going to delete my CS. I’m not going to be on there for the rest of my life. I’m 20 and that’s old enough. As the Earth grows even older, more and more young kids are joining CS so why am I still on there? Don’t know. I’m hoping to have my own family before I’m 25 and I cannot have some site like Myspace or CS come in between that. I know how to let go and I know my limits. I just wish you knew yours.
This is pissing me off cause I really, really, really, really love you. My heart is hurting cause I cannot understand why. I would travel barefoot and on foot all over the world and back for you but I don’t understand why I feel that way. See that’s that bullshit. Anyway…
You’re my heart and I love you, and one day I’ll be able to tell you why. Until then, this is just something for you to think about, if you care enough about what was said or if you even read it and tried to understand where I’m coming from to even think about it. Just remember, you have to change yourself before your life will change and its not like you don’t have me cause I have changes to go through myself.
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Too Through With You
I’m at home on my computer cause even the thought of using that despicable computer of my “boyfriends” makes my stomach hurt. Yea, this is another thread about him. Its not going to many more of these.
This man‘s actions speak so much louder than words. Its not like he don’t know shit. Its not like I keep him in the dark about shit. He don’t care. He’ll get all gussied up to go to some funky ass comedy show but when we go out he just wash under his arms and put on something that he had on that following day or just say he ready. I mean even though we are just going to the movies. At least care enough about your appearance. I mean shit when I leave from here it look like I’m going some where important and all I’m doing is to go see him and to just sit in the apartment the whole day playing video games.
I was sitting at the bus stop thinking about so much shit it almost brought tears to my eyes. I’m sick of blogging this shit out. If he didn’t make it feel like telling him would be a waste of his time listening maybe I would tell him. If he didn’t make me feel like my feelings are something not worth getting so worked up over then maybe I would have enough courage to tell him about himself.
He makes me so damned angry. I never gotten this angry over anyone I’ve ever been with. This relationship is truly not meant to be. I pictured me telling him to his face that I can’t do it any more and that I’m not in love with him any more and just breaking into tears. I never almost cried or gotten this angry over any relationship. EVER.
Being there more often and around him made me see the person for who he really is. Yea yea he tries and what not but it don’t last. It only last when I say something and if I keep saying something. But no he don’t do it cause it hurts me, he only do it to fill the void. Yea he don’t got shit to call his own, no money, nothing to show for what he went to school for but I loved him anyway for the personality I thought I knew but I don’t any more. I don’t know who the fuck he is at all. I thought I didn’t know him before; well its beyond that. I never felt so much anger when I look at him.
He don’t compliment me or nothing, we don’t converse like adults. We don’t connect. Only on a lets call each other names and bash each other level. Not on an serious level, that shit don’t exist. If I was to say that to him, he would say either I would get mad or why don’t I say these things? It wouldn’t matter because he already got it set in his mind that he know me. Actually telling him the reasons why would fly right over his short ass. I don’t get angry all the time.
Lately though, he hasn’t been considering me. This feeling of neglect has a strong hold on me and yes he has been neglecting me this past week and this week. I only see him so often now. Whats fucked up, I’M THERE! Not over here, but there. He’ll stay in the same room with me for five damned seconds but his love of his life, that sad, abuse, poor excuse for a computer beckons him every single minute that he’s around. I try to think of things to keep my mind occupied and what not, I try to do things to keep me from getting angry. I try so hard but I can’t deny the fact that this relationship is for the birds.
I put my all in the relationships I get in. Even when I have my doubts. I try helping out the best way I can. I try. He don’t realize what he has in front of him. He don’t care, he only trying to get in where he fit in. With his small ass, that’s every where. I can’t win, at all. Its either say something and get told you’re wrong in all types of ways but one. Or not say anything and feel worse than if you opened your mouth. I’m not the one to give up on things like this. Like he say I give up too easily. No the hell I don’t, I’m just sick of fighting for affection, attention, love. Cause he say it but I seriously don’t believe it. When I hear it, I hear, I hate you, I hurt you, I don’t love you. When I read it, its as blank as my face right now. The spark that once was in love with him is gone. I don’t even know if I just love him now.
He never even told me why he loves me or even want me around. I shake my head cause I’m realizing so much shit its sickening. I’m tired, the more I think about it, the more I’m so ready to give up & now that I’ve thought about it for the last two weeks or so. Its time to completely forget about him.
