Category Archives: Me
Its all about me, not my life, just me. Want to know a little something about me? Well just read the shit that’s in this category.
This Doesn’t Even Feel Like Fallin’…
I’m hard to understand. I know this. I get so confused when it comes to what I want, and whenever something is wrong. I can never set my mind straight. Most of the time my mind is blank. Being a confusing person can lead to so many problems. I’m hard to understand, hard to handle and sometimes very hard to deal with. That’s because I’m not perfect.
There are days I want to just bash my head against my keyboard in the morning when I sit down at my desk to start on my school work. I end up questioning why I would do such a thing, it wouldn’t make me understand my purpose on this planet any better. There’s a part of me that will always want to put a gun in my mouth and decorate the wall behind me with my brain matter; it’s just who I am. Everyone has problems; their vices, sometimes I wonder if I have too many of them. I can be an unbearable person to be around without saying or doing anything, which is the part of the problem. I let people walk all over me and the way I retaliate is by bottling up and then letting it out — when I do I’m the one wrong, the one that needs to feel bad about being mad.
I feel like there’s a part of me missing — like it left me when I decided to settle for less than what I’m worth. I’m sad on a good day and stressed out on my worst. One minute I’m winter the next, summer.
People see this strong, reasonable, caring, responsible person when they look at me. All I see is damaged goods that need to sit behind the returns counter at Wal-mart. I’m lying to myself and to others about who I really am. It’s probably because I’m afraid if I show my true self people would run away.
I like rock music, I find death and serial killers fascinating. I’m obsessed with zombies and in love with technology. When I own something, I try my best to take care of it. I love inanimate objects more than I love myself — I love my son more than I love anyone else on this planet. I’m not passionate or affectionate at all. I can tell you how I feel when I’m mad at you but I can’t do the same when I love you. I guess that has something to do with how I was raised. My family is part of the reason I’m the person I am today.
When people drink around me I get scared and want to run away. It makes me uneasy. The moment I get a notion of someone drinking, all I can think of is my estranged mother and her abuse. All I can do is hold the tears back and hope I don’t have to be around this person more than I need to be. I immediately turn into a scared and uncomfortable 9-year-old wishing I had someone to protect me from these scary feelings I feel. Why this is so, I don’t have a clue but it is what it is. When I drink, I drink to get drunk because I’m trying to figure out why my mom used to drink till she were talking to walls and announcing to the cobwebs that she hates me.
I want to be happy but I don’t wouldn’t what happy was if it came up to me and punched me in the brain stem. I don’t ask for much but maybe I should start, then maybe I can get the little things I want. I want to feel loved, be happy, feel wanted, needed; special, protected. I want things that my family failed to give me and I’m still searching for those things. I still ask myself how can I want these things when I don’t know how to give them? What gives me the right to ask for those things?
I’m sick of waking up from a 3 hour sleep wishing I was super woman or a person without emotions. I’m sick of feeling like crap. I’m tired of being a robot and having to smile and choose my battles when the other person is wrong and they too arrogant to know it. This marriage is going to kill me. They’re miserable and I’m more miserable. I want to be able to express my feelings without feeling bad for doing so. I want to be able to feel a certain way without someone saying I’m wrong. I don’t want to debate how I feel, I want to be able feel without it turning into “well you cheated on me so how can you be upset? I should be upset!” You know what I’m going to say to that? BE UPSET! Don’t sit there and say you aren’t mad and then demand a DNA test for our son and tell me out of spite that the only reason you were sticking around and telling that you want to give this one more try is so you can get your check and leave. The things you did to me and said to me far surpasses what I’ve done to you and I’m sick of the victimizing bullshit. Okay…I need to move on with this blog.
Maybe I should spend more time thinking about the things I do have. I have a beautiful son that makes me glad to be his mom. I used to have friends but I were barred from talking to them. I feel controlled and used and I don’t know how I got myself into this and it’s going to feel like forever to get out of it. That’s pretty much it, just my son. Being happy to be alive isn’t worth establishing — it would also be a lie.
I will do anything for my son but what would my son think of me if he grow up seeing his mom unhappy and a walking mat? My therapist keeps telling me that the part of being a parent and taking care of my son is taking care of myself. I’m at a point of no return and at the moment I couldn’t care less. I need to get out of this unhappy ass marriage and focus on raising my son. Take him to the museums, parks, and zoos. Treat him like the prince that he is. He’s the true love of my life and I have to get better for him if not for myself.
Like this:
25 Things I’d Rather Do Than Listen to Nicki Minaj
You know what sparked my outrage on this woman? Her latest video: ‘Stupid Hoe’.
- Have a pitocin induced vaginal delivery without an epidural. That’s a bit extreme yes but it’s better than listening to someone who sounds like they suffer from a multiple personality disorder. If cookie monster had a girlfriend, she would be the voice behind the puppet.
- Have my period for the rest of my life with chronic menstrual cramps. Let’s just say the Hype Williams curse is still in full swing and shows no signs of stopping. First Xtina and now this mess.
- Watch a video documentary on Justin Bieber. Spewing pop culture references in rapid, staccato fashion, backed by chimp-simple electronic beats and swearing is not singing, music, or talent. Is the public that starved for entertainment?
- Play Vampire Rain a million times over, and then proceed to play Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. Her niche is being a freak show, and the brainless flash mobs eat it up like fried chicken and waffles.
- Pass 10 to 15 kidney stones. Someone press the reset button on this woman. Who in their right minds decided that she was worthy of a Grammy? Award shows are over-rated to begin with but what’s wrong with you people?
- Watch a SyFy monster movie marathon. It’s like feeding a stray cat, once you do they never go away. This applies to people who listens to her music and have the audacity to say she’s a god. I wish Hercules would come rip me in two.
- Listen to a Rebecca Black and Nyan Cat mash-up. I don’t get Nicky Minaj period. Does she even write the drivel that she sings herself, or are her ‘talents’ strictly limited to chanting nonsense and dressing like a slattern?
- Vacation to Cambodia. This woman is in her 30′s she’s too damn old to be making diss tracks about someone who was before her time. If this is her way of trying to get her album to sale, she’s doing a poor job.
- Be force-fed snail slime while being forced to watch M. Night Shyamalan‘s rendition of Avatar: The Last Airbender. The sophomoric insults are getting really old. Does this really qualify for lyricism these days?
- Watch two absurdly large women jump up and down on a trampoline while eating Twinkies. I have to say the first time I watched the ‘Stupid Hoe’ video it was very difficult for me to get through, and then I just didn’t have any words. Seeing it a second time on mute out of courtesy for my brain cells I’ve come to a not-so-shocking conclusion: she’s an idiot.
- Find hay in a needle stack. After 60 seconds of watching this video, it becomes redundant and makes me not want to live on this planet anymore.
- Have a Vuvuzela Quartet follow me around; even to the bathroom. From what I’m understanding, her fans find her to be fun and original. I find her to be an item used to torture hostages.
- Eat my own hair follicles. Her style and rapping is ridiculous and so is her thirsty obsession with Lil Kim.
- Skip my face across molten lava. Yo Gotti compared her to Lauren Hill. Someone kill me now.
- You know those bathroom pictures women make with their faces distorted to look like a fish out of water? Yea, I’d rather look like that for the rest of my life. She has all the misguided teens and women believing that they’re a Barbie. I’m all for idolizing your idols but that’s borderline brainwashing.
- Read ‘The Sound And The Fury’. Her real name is ‘Onika Tanya Maraj’ and it shocks me that her “fans” doesn’t know this.
- Go to a Cleveland Cavaliers game wearing a Lebron James Miami Heat jersey; although wearing his old Cavaliers jersey may have the same outcome. “When I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly,” she says. “The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot… and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing,” Remember when I said she was smart with a good head on her shoulders and that she could be a good influence to the youth? Yea, me neither.
- Have a sit down interview with the Kartrashians (Kardashians) about their book ‘Dollhouse’. It’s not just ‘Stupid Hoe’ that needs to go back to the drawing board. Her version of ‘Bedrock’ needs to as well. That song alone may be the worst song in rap history — the song already sucked her version made it worse.
- Become a Pokemon Master. She claims she’s bisexual just so her albums can sell. Lowest of the low.
- Host a party and have Renaldo Lapuz sing ‘I am Your Brother’ the entire time. Her music may sell on iTunes, she may get awards but it’s not because she’s good. It’s because people don’t have standards these days and with that, you have a catastrophe.
- Attempt to have an in-depth conversation with Gucci Mane about habitat for humanity. What does her being rich have to do with anything? Ever think maybe that’s why her music sucks and why people who actually use all five of their senses wish they couldn’t like most of her fans don’t? I didn’t know being rich automatically defined character.
- Walk on a mound of Lego’s. People get mad at the truth and are so quick to call you a hater — she sucks. It’s my opinion so build a bridge and get over it.
- Super glue myself to Rosie O’Donell’s backside. Don’t worry, this didn’t take long to type up. I didn’t lose any sleep over this blog and after I click Publish, I’ll probably forget I even blogged about her until one of the usual imbeciles come along and drag ‘hater’ and ‘bitch’ through the mud like nobody’s business.
- Kiss Lil’ Wayne in the mouth. Does it matter who outsells who? Please don’t set them up just for me to knock them down. Banana’s outsell Apples, beef stroganoff outsells Swedish meatballs. Big whoop. That doesn’t make who outsells who good.
- Have Drake’s eyebrows. I’m starting to see who the real ‘Stupid Hoe’ is in the video.
Like this:
Dear Winton Manor…
May I make a few suggestions? You need surveillance camera‘s. Why you ask? Here’s why:
- When someone on my floor pulls the fire alarm consecutive nights in a row and then run down the hallway and exit up or down the steps, you’ll be able to catch who did it. So I won’t have to regret moving in here while I rock my son back to sleep from being startled by the women on the intercom.
- When someone floods the laundry room and fail (or doesn’t care) to tell maintenance which forces people who wanted to wash their clothes go and track down maintenance to let them know.
- To catch the trifling people who find pleasure in urinating in the hallways and stairways.
- A lot of buildings have hidden cameras on their elevators, for good reason. People get mugged, harassed; killed on elevators. Other people like to vandalize the elevators or hold the elevator open long enough for it to stop working (the person who stays in 209 does this all the time or she rides the elevators all day).
- To catch the even more trifling people who leave their garbage in the stairway instead of walking their nasty behinds down the hall and throwing it down the garbage chute.
- To catch drug activity in the hallways and outside of the accused apartments.
- So when someone leaves a cart full of garbage and just leaves it there, you will know who did it.
- To catch when maintenance does something incriminating because they’re just as crooked as most of the people in this building. They half-ass do their jobs and some of them have this smug attitude that I don’t particularly care for.
Mind you, if they know the camera’s are there then putting them there defeats the purpose. People act like animals in this building and it needs to stop.
Update: I just got an invoice under my door. It states:
Dear Residents,
In the past few weeks there has been an increasing amount of vandalism to The Winton Manor, your home. The Winton Manor Management will continue to maintain a quiet and peaceful living experience for its residents. We are looking for those responsible for the vandalism to The Winton Manor. Your cooperation in exposing the person or persons is greatly appreciated.
A reward is available to any one who has information that would lead to the identity of those responsible. Your identity will remain confidential. For more information please contact Mr. John D’Altorio, Operations Manager at (216)377-1315 or Mrs. Davis, Property Manage at (216) 241- 2850.
Thank You
Let me just say, the black community hold strong onto the ‘no snitching’ rule; which I find to be idiotic. They want the police when someone robs their home but if it ain’t got nothing to do with them, they’re not opening their mouths. They may have seen something but if it’s not causing any pain or discomfort to them then they turn the other way. Ok, I’m going off on a tangent here — back to the matter at hand. It’s sickening that to find the people to come forward, they have to be given something. Things like this shouldn’t be in this building. It’s in downtown Cleveland, Ohio for Pete’s sake! You would think there will be a discrimination when it comes to that. No crack-heads or meth-heads that ride up and down on the elevator or hold/block the elevator so it stays on one floor.
When was the last time the stairways were actually scrubbed and disinfected? You’re worried about LEAD! Hmph! There are more other things that can make a child sick. You can’t make this place a peaceful and quiet experience until you get rid of the problems that’s keeping this place from being quiet and peaceful.
This summer was the worst leaving to and fro from this building. Me and my son were harassed and criticized every time I walked past the loiters that were out front or next to the building. You put up signs that reads “no loitering” but do they read and abide? No they do not. What’s the point? They feel they run the place, what makes you think they’re going to follow rules? They smoked, they made noise, they made 9th and Prospect look like 79th and Cedar. All I could do was shake my head and keep it moving.
The fire alarm is always, always going off. It goes off for 10-15 20-25 minutes every time before someone at the desk comes on and say “false alarm”. One day it’s going to be a catastrophe of a fire in this building, no one is going to take it seriously until they see smoke coming under their door or they have lack of oxygen in their lungs.
I finally saw what I think someone finally working on the freight elevator. That thing have been broken since before I moved in (which was in August). What took you guys so long to fix that? What cheap mechanic did you find this time?
Don’t feel bad, it’s not just here, the apartments out in Euclid, Ohio and probably plenty of other places are like this. I’m not living there though, I’m living here.
Why oh why does the woman who comes on the intercom tell people to not use the elevator when there are people in here who uses wheelchairs? There isn’t a ramp so if there was a fire what you expect them to do? Burn to death? Wait on the firemen to come to their aid and carry all them downstairs on their backs? If I were in a wheelchair and I was looking for affordable place to live, no ramp or other safety precautions available for me to make it downstairs when need be would have made me roll in the other direction.
I know there is a slew of people running around vandalizing the building like little children but there are more pressing matters here. The garbage chute should never be packed…never. It’s contradicting and wastes the person’s time when they come out and spray for roaches. Speaking of that, you seriously need to stop wasting your money. That stuff doesn’t work. COMBAT GEL does. Send out a letter to all the residents in the building to get some combat gel. I know some are hip already. Combat gel cleans them out pretty fast. Put that money you’re wasting on sending out someone to spray on getting a better chute system. It’s ridiculous and disgusting!
There are people in this building that want the same things I want. They want order and they want the vandalism to stop, they want the ignorance to end. I know this will probably never make it to any of you who run or live in this building and I don’t care. I won’t be here no longer than I need to be. Before I leave though, I will be taking photos and posting them here so people don’t think I’m making this crap up.
Sincerely, Asilee
Like this:
Console Gamers are so Judgmental
Sometimes I wonder if people think before they speak. It’s okay to be a console only gamer but to be judgmental towards PC gamers with no prior knowledge is pretty insulting to me. It’s always the ones that never 
owned a gaming PC a day in their lives — never saw one either that always have something to say. “PC gaming is dying”, I rather use a controller than a mouse and keyboard”, blah, blah, blah! One, PC gaming isn’t dying, and two, you can use a controller on any and every game; you can even use a controller to browse your computer. I didn’t want to end this year blogging about this subject again but enough is enough. Yea, I know I’m wasting my time but ‘my time’ are the operative words. I would like to see beautiful graphics and processing speeds on a console of 2012 on a 2005-2006 consoles — without upgrading that is. People think you have to upgrade your computer specs every time something new comes out. That’s not true, if you do it right the first time, you shouldn’t have to upgrade your computer for the next 3-4 years. The money people wasted on a Blu-ray player that just so happens to play video games I can buy the parts to make a cheaper gaming rig. I’d prefer to sit down and relax to play video games than flailing my arms, risking punching someone else or myself in the throat with my hand. Let’s not get on the accidents people have caused from playing the Wii. Low and played out blows to consoles I know but they are very valid. After awhile there’s only so much kicking someone in the shins or watching over-priced DVD‘s you can do before you’re no better than playing them on a PC.
I believe “PC gaming is dying” is a cop-out; scapegoat for those who are naïve on the subject. The foolishness needs to stop. Knowledge is power and once you get in the know, then you can have an opinion on PC gaming. A lot of games which at first were PC exclusives were influenced for consoles, yes that’s where most gamers are at the moment, that because people think you have to use a mouse and keyboard (which is in fact the worst way to play a video game besides Minecraft) for all the games, or the fact that what’s on the console is more enticing than what’s on the PC.
If it wasn’t for PC’s, you wouldn’t have console games. Which brings me to my next part of my rant. These console ported pieces of crap these developers is doing; let me just say, I’m not happy about that. Make the damn PC game first and THEN the console game, why do things ass-backwards?
Anyway, if you’re going to be a PC gamer bashing console fan-boy/fan-girl, at least be educated and bring the facts to the table and not some biased opinion because you’re too lazy to think outside of the box for once in your life. Give PC gaming a try before bash PC gaming, otherwise, you’ll look stupid.
Also, before I close…Alieware and the like does not count as far as “expensive gaming” goes. Only a dummy would buy them pieces of over-priced crap — especially now that Dell took over.
Related articles
Like this:
My Husband Doesn’t Know How to Make Brownies
With an award-winning baker for a mom, my husband cannot make brownies. Tragic. He says, “they’ll taste better if you make them”. He says that for everything I cook. Well I don’t think that’s true. They’ll taste the same if he were to make them. Reading the directions off the back of the box isn’t that hard. Trades and skills don’t often rub off on the off-spring but my husband lived with his mom and he saw her make wedding cakes, pies and pastries. He know how to make brownies. I’m going to make him make some one day. I won’t believe he can’t make brownies until I see it. If they come out bad, he’s banned from the kitchen and I’ll never doubt his non-baking skills ever again.
Its just sad that I’ll never get breakfast in bed because, “your breakfast will taste better if you make it”. I hope he doesn’t say that to our son when he gets older and he want rocket ship pancakes for breakfast. I can see it now, “ask your mom, they’ll taste better if she make them, I’ll just burn down the kitchen son.”
Like this:
Dear WordPress, can I have my old dashboard back?
I know change is inevitable at times but this is not one of those times. There was nothing with how things were before you changed them. Now when I click under ‘My Blogs’ I have to click on stats, then click on ‘dashboard’. I’m used to going straight to my blogs dashboard from ‘My Blogs’ You also taken out the option to quickly transition from one blog to another. That was one great key feature. Now, I have to go back out to the WordPress Dashboard, click under ‘My Blogs’ and select a blog I would like to go to. Before I could just go to the top of the page and go to the drop down menu, hover over said blog and select, ‘new post’ etc. Why are you making things more difficult? Leave fixing things that aren’t broken to Mark Zuckerberg.
Thanks,
Lee
Related articles
You Know What Grinds My Gears?
People have their vices and most of the time they cannot be helped but when someone tries and take their vices and turn them into excuses on why they begin to grind my gears, then things get ugly.
- Don’t pour you a glass of juice and you get down to a drop and decide at that moment that someone else might want some and put the rest back in the fridge. Finish the rest! I’d be less pissed off if you finished it and didn’t leave a corner of juice left in the fridge you’re doing me a service.
- If I say, this is for everyone, not just you. Don’t go and take it upon yourself and drink/eat it all because I left the house to take care of some business like I’m never coming back. I know you’re not death, you heard me when I said “WE’RE SHARING THIS!”
- I don’t care how long that Ice cream is sitting in the damn freezer it’s mine, don’t touch it without asking. Just because I haven’t touched it in 2 days doesn’t mean it’s automatically yours. There will be a lot less arguing if you respect my wishes.
- All I ask is to clean up after yourself, that don’t mean rinse off most of the crumbs in your bowl or plate and then sit the dish in the sink for me to finish. How long is it going to take you to clean up after yourself huh? It’s not like I’m asking you to run across Cleveland to run an errand.
- Don’t tell me to smile or that “it ain’t that bad”. How do you know it “ain’t that bad”? Did you see the reason behind why I’m frowning to make that assumption? Did I stop you on the street and tell you why I was frowning? You want to take a walk in my shoes and then tell me, “it ain’t that bad”? No? Okay then don’t tell me “it ain’t that bad” when you don’t know if “it ain’t that bad” or not.
- People who feel the need to take a step back into the 1930′s and call me a racial slur. Then get upset when I’m not upset. Right when you get upset because I’m not upset, you’re going to be that much more upset when I laugh in your face.
- The PC vs Console debate. There is no comparison. If you don’t know the system stats of said console or said PC, just shut your trap and open up a book. Reading the features and comparing them between other consoles and PC’s doesn’t make you aware of anything.
Don’t mind me, I’m just mad at the world because I’m out of orange juice and soda.
Dha = The; Yew = You: Utter Foolishness
Sometimes I have to vent and this is one of those times. Recently it seems my patience has gotten shorter. Let me be the first to say that my English isn’t great and I’m fine with that, but when people deliberately make themselves look more dumber than they are then I must speak up.
What’s killing me is this new word forming style and sadly the people who type that way find it cute. I’m not talking about teenagers and children doing it, they get a pass; I’m talking about people in their mid 20′s to 30′s.
Why substitute one letter just to replace it with another? The examples I’ve seen are as follows:
- You – Yhu, Yuh, Yew
- The – Dha, Tha, Dah
Why? Why can’t you just type ‘you’; ‘the’? It’s the same amount of letters and takes the same amount of keystrokes. No, you’re not making a long word shorter [ie: 'da' 'n' 'u'] you’re adding equal amount of letters I guess to look different. I know you’re probably not aware, but typing like I’m typing is whats in at the moment; it’ll forever be in style.
Either way just stop it. Those years where you could actually get away with acting naïve and unaware are over. You’re 25-35 years old trying to converse with someone about politics using ‘dha’, and ‘yew’. I know people are lazy but how hard is it to press the letters y.o.u on your keyboard?
How do you aim towards looking like a fool? How can you promote your music, art, – hell anything when you type that way? When you type like that, that’s all people will focus on. It probably lead people in the other direction. I’m trying to help you out here, you’re not doing any favors typing that way.
The only places where that foolishness is acceptable:
- Relatives.
- Public forums filled will the same people who type the way you do.
- Youtube videos about rap music [ie Gucci Mane, Lil' Wayne].
- Texting.
- [Can't think of any more - it was hard thinking of those].
Even then it’s not acceptable. You’re striving and excelling in the wrong areas. Do you type like that on your résumé? Do you write like that on applications? I truly hope not.
It’s no longer “unique” if everyone is doing it. I only made this PSA because someone got mad at me because I asked them why they type the way they do. They simply said, “becuz itz dha intenet n i can type how i wanna”. Well since it’s “dha intenet”, don’t ask me to listen to your music or critique your designs.
Also whats with people replacing their g’s with q’s? Really? Does doinq this make you feel special or somethinq? I know your brain wants to type it the correct way but you somehow mange to force your fingers to type like you’re missing keys on your keyboard. I know this because my brain just did.
Okay, I’m done.
Another Year Older; Another Year Wiser
Yep, it’s that time again. To celebrate getting old and to make it to see another year. The only thing about it this time, I didn’t expect to be married, have a child and to have my place. Things weren’t really looking up for me last year.
It’s 5:00 in the morning; the same time I was born 24 years ago and I’m up when I should be sleeping. I still have my cold, I’m sore, tired, and restless and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep. Last year, I could do that, well not any more. Taking care of a family doesn’t take a day off because it’s my birthday. I’m not really too enthused about it really. It’s just a plain old day just like yesterday was. Hopefully my husband can give me a break today though so I can catch up on my sleeping but if not, all isn’t lost.
Well here’s to today…Happy Birthday.
You’re Not a Mother
Life isn’t perfect and this is part of the example of that statement. Those who read this, be grateful of what you got. Especially if you have a mother. It’s too many people already taking oxygen for granted, don’t take people who take care of you and love you for granted. When you read this, it may give you an understanding about life, it may disturb you and you may ask why I put this out for all to see. I want people to see what other life on this planted have to deal with. It’s not me, it’s not just people on Steve Wilkos or in magazines. This is real, this is life.
Dear Mom,
The best day of my life!
I often found calling you ‘mom’ to be quite offensive to real mothers. Even as a child I simply wanted to call you by your first name. Now I see ‘mom’ as being a nickname for you more than a title; a right. Motherhood is considered in society to be a sacred institute and isn’t supposed to be spoken about in a negative light. Typing these words however is so liberating.
I’ve taken countless actions to undo the negativity you put in me I will forever have to battle it. I have emptiness where my mother should have been. One I thankfully didn’t fill with drugs and alcohol. It’s a void nonetheless. It’s an essential part of me that I’m missing and as an adult have tried to piece it together through the positive people in my life. That’s really hard to do when I’m with my friends. They talk about how good their mom is and how good of a relationship they have with their mothers. I officially dread Mother’s Day because of you. Oh and let’s not get me started about Father’s Day…
The safe part about writing this letter is that I can finally say all that I feel about you. You can’t argue with me. You can’t blame me for your shortcomings and failures. You can’t scare me. You can’t hurt me. I don’t have to watch you drink yourself into a stupor either.
I simply don’t understand you. You say you love me and your other kids but you don’t show an ounce of this love that you speak of [well I can’t speak for your other children. As far as I’m concerned ‘love’ doesn’t visit anymore]. Please don’t tell me you love me anymore, I know it’s a lie. If it isn’t a lie then the definition for love must have changed over the past 24 years.
You know what pisses me off so much about you? You got so mad at your mom for taking care of your kids. Saying she turned us against you when it was you who turned us against you. Although there was a court order saying you were not allowed to even be near us, my grandmother risked it on many occasions and allowed you to be near us. We weren’t even in your custody and you still didn’t give a rat’s ass about us. Your obligations to be a mom was now left to your mom and you weren’t appreciative of that. Instead, you gave her grief every chance you got. I hated when you moved in, I didn’t even want to be in your presence.
All the birthday’s, all the holiday’s granny gave us to fill the void of not having a mother or a father for that matter and all you could do was show up or find a quiet spot in the house and get tanked up; eyes going east and west. What was the point in trying to sneak it in the house? We weren’t stupid, we knew you were drinking even before you went and bought it. To this day I’m not exactly sure when you’re sober and when you aren’t. Do you realize how frustrating that is?
I used to hate coming to you as a child to get my hair done for school. Granny would send me downstairs to wake you up in the morning when your bedroom was in the dining room so you can do my hair. You would get so upset that you would unnecessarily yank my hair and mumble under your breath. Every time you opened your mouth, every time you motioned to comb my hair, I could smell the hangover on your breath; through your pores. I hated that and the smell will forever be tattooed on my brain. You make me so uncomfortable I cannot fathom how you can stand yourself. Every time I think about how messed up you are, all I want to do is hold my son and tell him I love him.
I guess since you won’t put in the effort of knowing your daughter, I guess I’ll put forth the effort. My name is Asilee Marie Barnes, born September 7th 1987. At the ripe age of 10 months old; I was taken from you to be with my grandmother. Oh wait, you know that much, sorry. Anyway, my hobbies are drawing, writing, crocheting, knitting, video games, blogging, surfing the net. I’m into computer technology and graphic design; I’m pretty good at both. I also build and fix computers. My favorite color is black, favorite animal is the giraffe, favorite shape is the heart. I love going to the zoo, to museums and art galleries. I also love operas, and plays. My favorite genre of music is R&B/Soul and Rock. My favorite foods are pasta, pizza and salad. I don’t drink or smoke. I’m a loner and introverted. I love to read and to sew. Large crowds of people make me uncomfortable. I’m allergic to shellfish and nickel. I have very mild eczema. I’m the type of person who’d prefer not to smile. I’m not an angry person; it’s just that happiness don’t come easy for me. I’ve been so depressed for so long it feels natural to feel that way. Um, what else? Oh, I didn’t graduate high school with my class; I graduated a year later. Oh before I forget, I’m also an Atheist, but that’s slowly changing. I don’t celebrate Holidays of any form. I have a major depression disorder. I’ve written at least two books. I’m very honest and a very loyal person to those who deserve it. It’s not easy for me to trust people and I lack in the communication department; probably because I’m so anti-social.
There was so many times during my childhood that I wished you aborted me; I hated living. When I was a kid I always wished I was a boy. To this day I still find it more comfortable to wear men’s clothing than women’s. I’ve attempted suicide at least 4 times, got caught every single time [I got impeccable timing when it comes to things like that]. When I’m not thinking about my son, I’m thinking about death in every aspect. I’ve had that problem since I was a child. I’m very punctual; I despise being late for anything. I’m also OCD, things around me have to be organized and clean or I’ll lose my mind. I don’t have an affectionate bone in my body. Probably because affection wasn’t in the household I grew up in. It’s a crying shame; I didn’t even have a favorite relative. By default I have a negative outlook on life.
How much hatred do you have for yourself to allow you to destroy every chance of having 5 healthy babies? You mind as well had went and got a damn abortion 5 times. You prostituted yourself to support your filthy little habits. In result you ended up with 5 emotionally scarred children. One lies too much; one cries too much, the other lashes out at everyone but the one really involved, the other one keep to themselves because they hate 3 out the 4 people they live with. Deep down although we’ve forgiven you, there are things that have yet to be said. Which is why my psychiatrist is making me type out this letter to you. I didn’t really want to because I really hate wasting my time but hell what do I have to lose by trying? I already don’t have a mom.
I’m going to flat-out ask you [knowing I’ll never get a straight answer]. Who is my dad? What is his name? What did he look like? I need to know damn it. I never got an answer from you. All you could tell me was that he was dead. Even that came into question when a complete stranger came up to me and told me that he saw him at church that previous Sunday. Granny called you and asked you [with me on 3-way] and you said ever so frankly, “you mean to tell me that I’ve been lied to all these years?” you’re supposed to know these things like they were tattooed on the back of your hand. Life isn’t fair I know but you didn’t help mine much.
You were so damn selfish and so damn addicted to what the hell you were doing, you didn’t give a shit about the life you had growing inside of you. You sure as hell didn’t give a shit about the consequences that would arise afterwards. Your first child got taken from you, why would you do the same thing 4 more times? You knew your mom would take us and keep us together. You make me sick sometimes.
I take a look at my son and he looks so innocent. He loves his mom and all he wants is his mom, dad, his diaper changed, something to eat and to be held. How could you not take care of your kids? Being a mom is a little frustrating at times but it’s fun. When my son smiles at me and grab my finger I feel like the world is an ok place to live. You are my benchmark of what NOT to be as a mom. I take one minute out of my day and think about you. I think about all the stress you caused and all the grief and I tell myself I could never be like you. I’m already succeeding at things you failed at. I can understand not being ready to be a mom for like 5 minutes or so but thirty damn years?
1 Christmas and 23 botched birthday’s later and it looks to me you haven’t learned a god damned thing. Handing your child money on their birthdays and thinking that’ll make them love you more because at least your conscience is guilt free for the rest of the day doesn’t make you a mother. Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother. The moment you stuck that pipe to your lips; that bottle to your mouth, your parental rights were revoked; way before you conceived your first child.
How many times does one have to go to rehab just to come out and do the same damn thing over again just to go back? Only you have the answer to that. Ever notice how I never looked up to you? You never once heard me say ‘I love you mom’ or ‘I want to be my mom when I grow up’ because at a very young age I knew better. I knew and grew up to not expect anything but what you’re used to from you. Crumpled up dollar bills on birthdays, and potato salad on the Holidays. You’ve gotten off Scott-free for 31 damn years “mom”.
Husband and I
Hmm, what do I know about dear old “mom”? Let’s see… Uh, you love Garfield the cat. You enjoy reading erotica. [You can’t believe how many of your books are still in the basement]. You’re a loner. You have eczema. You can cook and clean. & I guess you love salad, I’m not sure any more. Besides that and you being an alcoholic, I don’t know anything else about you. That’s pathetic isn’t it? I don’t even know how old you are. Well, that doesn’t matter to me; I don’t really care.
I shouldn’t have this much animosity towards someone who gave me life but I do. Because that’s all you did, you didn’t do anything else. Grandma raised 7 kids. Both of her children sadly FAILED her. She fed your kids, took your kids to their doctor’s appointments, clothed your kids, put a roof over your kid’s heads, and gave them birthday parties, bought your kids Christmas presents. She did everything she could to make us happy because she felt bad. We didn’t ask to be here so the least you could have done was raise your own kids. Here she is 75 years old and still trying to do for them daughters of yours. You know what? I think I hate you. The more I think about my motherless childhood the more pissed I get. I used to blame myself as to why you hate me so much and why there was no father in my life. That was before I realized that it wasn’t my fault that you fucked your life up.
There are so many things I hate about you. I hate how when granny would cook and you didn’t do anything but walk through the door and grab some food and leave without even a damn thank you. How you would take pots, pans, silverware, canned goods, whatever you can get your grubby hands on and act like you don’t know a damn thing when granny confronts you on it. How you used to piss in very same pots we cook and eat out of. What really pissed me off about you were your excuses as to why you couldn’t make it to my middle school graduation. What was it about the house that you so desperately had to watch from your couch in the hallway? When we got back from my graduation, you were gone. So the house pretty much watched itself.
My son will never know anything about you just so you know. I was truly contemplating on even sending you a damn picture. [But granny said you would hit the roof if I didn’t. I honestly believed the only reason you would be is because everyone got one but you. Never mind the person in the picture but the simple fact you didn’t get one.] I felt you didn’t even deserve to get one. You’re not his grandmother, that’s an insult to MY grandmother. You don’t call and see how he’s doing, but I guess not. We don’t have what you want. You’re not going to get beer and/or cigarette money out of me so why would you call? I honestly don’t care if we ever talk again. We don’t have a damn thing in common. The only thing I know about you is all the negativity and that depresses me. I’m depressed enough; I don’t need you to be one of the reasons why.
When we are in a room together, I get this feeling that I need to protect myself from you. You’re like this stranger that everyone but me know. I feel like you’re intruding on a life you didn’t earn to be a part of. For a while I wished you would just disappear and never come back. Now I just feel like you’re a nuisance that I have no choice but to deal with.
Granny, Aunt Barbara, Aunt Pearl, David & Louie; hell even Mignon has asked about me. Granny has not yet told me that you’ve asked about me. You know what? My expectations of you are far greater than they should be. I need to stop expecting you to wise up and be a mother. All I’m doing is wasting energy I could be using on other things. Like being the best mom I can be.
When you leave this earth, I’m not sure how I’ll feel honestly. There’s nothing about you that I’ll miss. I’ll think about all the walls you talked to and cursed out in the house. I’ll remember the crack pipe I found in the living room on the floor. I’ll remember all the half empty 40oz bottles I used to find stashed in the house. I’ll remember the only time you’ll talk to Aunt Barbara was to get some beer/change from her. I’ll remember all the arguments you and granny had. I’ll remember the hatred that I have for someone I’m supposed to love.
I wonder what it would have been like if you stepped up and been a mom to your kids. I wonder how much better your life would have been. I really wonder how your life would have been if whatever or whoever turned you into the person that you are never existed.
You drown your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle because you hate yourself; you can’t stay sober for too long because it hurts too much. That’s a sad way to live. Whoever did this to you, I hate them more than I’ll ever hate you. But if this is all your doing, then you’re the person I hate the most. Hate; a word I don’t use loosely. I hate that I hate you. There’s no pleasure in it. You know what? Now that I think about it, you’ve been to at least ONE of your other children’s events; you’ve been to NONE of mine. Listen if you hate the man you laid down to have me that’s fine but don’t take your hatred out on me. I didn’t ask for a deadbeat mom. I didn’t ask for any of this. I honestly don’t believe my father is dead, I think you hate him so much you wish he was dead. Well we’ll never know now will we?
That’s what hurt the most. I don’t even have a name. I mean, you gave me a half-assed name when I was about 8 or 9. You said his name was David. I didn’t believe you then and if you were to tell me that same shit today, I still wouldn’t believe you. Just face it, you didn’t care who you laid down with that day, you just wanted what came with it; a good time and the sound of what’s to come. Listening to yourself blow all of your earnings out of your mouth into a puff of smoke, or whatever the hell you did with it.
You waited a hell of a long time to finally attempt at being a person with a career [well as far as appearances go]. Notice how you’re only thinking of yourself? You know that saying granny always said to us? The sun doesn’t rise or set on your ass.
I hear that every time you move into an apartment building, there are people always messing with you or talking about you. You should know what I’m about to say but since you don’t know your own daughter..
Honestly, you’re doing something to give them reason to mess with you. How loud are you talking to your four walls? When you’re thinking to yourself, are you mistaking it for talking out loud? You can’t keep moving from place to place doing the same damn thing expecting different results. People are going to talk regardless but you need to stop making it so easy for them. Well that’s all I have to say about that.
A daughter needs their mom but I can sadly say that I don’t need you. You’re going to need your children before we ever need you.
I’m not sorry for this letter. These are my feelings and this has been heavy on my mind for years and years. I started to say to hell with the idea of typing up this letter and just go to my grave with my emotions. That’s not a healthy way to live the rest of my life. Your mistakes have already pained my life enough. I need this off my chest once and for all.
You should be proud of your daughter. She didn’t make the same mistakes you made and she made something of herself. She became her own person. She married a wonderful man and had a beautiful son. Besides all my personal flaws and all, the first thing you shouldn’t think of your daughter is hate like you did when I went out the door to go to the store. You hated me so much in that one moment you voiced it and my younger siblings heard you. They told me the next day at the dinner table. You must have known they were going to say something to me and you must have known I was going to face you on that. I wish I could have heard you say it. I’m sure it sounded less rehearsed and there was more passion behind those 3 words than the other 3 you so loosely use.
Asilee @ 30 weeks.
I’m not perfect and I’ve done some messed up things in my life so if I’m coming off as Mrs. Perfect those are not my intentions. This letter is about you and the lack of relationship between us. It’s causing a lot of issues mentally. I never officially got to say what I truly felt on my heart these years.
I cried many a night as a child for many reasons; some I care not to discuss any more and I’m sure if you think about it hard enough, you’ll get the gist.
It’s painful to know that I’ll always feel awkward around you and that we’ll never have a mother-daughter relationship. If you’ve tried in the past, I’ve must have been oblivious to it.
My son is going to grow up and he’s going to ask about my life and his relatives. I won’t have anything nice to say about you except that you were a smart woman who made really dumb ass decisions. That will sum up the life I know about you. Then again, I won’t even tell him THAT much.
One day hopefully before it’s too late, you’ll thank your mom for taking care of your kids. If it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t even know where we were [you probably wouldn’t have cared] and we wouldn’t know if we had siblings or not. The only thing you love about all your children is the fact you didn’t have to raise them. We got in the way of all the drinking and hanging with random men. That’s cool I learned all I needed to learn about being a woman from grandma.
I know one thing, don’t you EVER in your life EVER talk down to me about my marriage. You got married at 21 and granny was the last person to know. You let her know about the wedding a day before and you asked her to walk you down the aisle. My wedding is going to be in September of this year and she was the first person to know about it. You owe me and the rest of this family an apology just so you know. & what the hell is this “she must not like being a Barnes anymore” bullshit you told granny when you saw my name on Facebook? You were married for a ½ a second before; you should know the process in the name change. & keep my husband and son’s business out of your mouth if all you got is negative shit to say. His last name, hell his whole name is his dad’s name. You don’t have any room to talk about anyone. You shouldn’t have any opinions about anything I do. You don’t have the right to object to anything I do or say.
I know one thing, I honestly believe we are going to have a problem if you call up grandma one more time tanked up; mad about something you have no business being mad about. Be miserable all by your damn self. Leave my grandma out of your bullshit. You’re a grown ass woman and yet you’re still acting childish. What you thought going to college would make you look like you’ve matured? Nah, I hope that’s not what you were aiming for when you decided to take up Child Services [at least that’s what granny told me you were taking up]. OH THE IRONY!
You feel left out? Always feeling like you’re the last to know things? Whose fault is that? I feel more comfortable telling a stranger on the street about my day than I do telling you. You can’t be offended in one instance and not care in another. What I’m saying is, you didn’t want to be a mom so you shouldn’t be upset when you get treated like the very thing you are, a woman who had 5 babies and walked away. You don’t have the right to be upset with me at all. But continue, jump out the pan into the fire. Keep distancing yourself from your daughter. Keep naïvely contradicting yourself. Keep being YOU. See how far that gets ya’.
The big day!
Unlike you, I don’t need liquid courage to say what I have to say. I’ve always been that way. You can add this letter to the list of excuses as to why you hate me/scared to talk to me.
You can hate me until you turn blue in the face. I know deep down I’m your least favorite. Do you hate me because I’ve became everything you’re not? Do I really look that much like my father or something? How could you let me get this old and not tell me who my father is? You must know that it will affect me in some way. Unless you’re the ‘Virgin Mary’ you have no excuse about why I don’t at least have a description about who my father was; or is. Guess it depends on if he’s dead or not. You’ve bottled up your past but it’s time you opened up. I am owed that much and if you can’t give me that much then you really disgust me.
I will lose all respect for you. You lowered yourself to that point where you don’t even know who my father is? What he looks like? What his name is? Was all of that really worth it? You have to look at the results of your selfishness for the rest of your miserable life.
It’s messed up that at 10 months young, I didn’t even have any of my shots. You know what? Thank you for being a deadbeat. I would have been worse off with you. Being burned with a cigarette and left in the cold while you’re under the covers was worth it. Leaving me in the apartment alone while you’re downstairs in a bar and someone came and took me to granny was what you would call a blessing in disguise.
Again, I look at my son and just think, how could a mother be so neglectful to an innocent baby? How could a mother be so uncaring and irresponsible? If she didn’t want kids, she would have taken the necessary precautions. Good thing my son was planned or that would make me look like a hypocrite right about now huh? 5 unplanned, unwanted pregnancies and now all you can do is block all of that out with alcohol and I don’t want to know what else.
If I keep going I may actually cry because I let the anger build up so much over the years. Then again, you aren’t worth crying over, let alone the ink I’ll be wasting when I print this, nor the stamp and envelope I’ll be using to send this to you.
-Lee.
Related articles
Like this:
My Mom Hates Me…
I said I was going to take a break from blogging but I had to get this off of my chest…
You would think, if a mother hate their child that she’s done some really foul and cruel things to their mother. This is not one of those cases. My mom hates me [even said it out her mouth] because I was born with a mind of my own.
My mom suffers from a serious alcohol problem. She calls her mother; my grandma who in fact is my mom and curse her out because of my marriage to my husband. Saying “she must hate our last name now” and “why she name her son with the last name McLain?” None of your damn business that’s why. This is a “mom” who I should be calling by her first name because no way in hell is she a mother. She has shown no effort in trying to get to know her second eldest, even when I was growing up. She preferred to get drunk and talk to walls. Didn’t make it to any of my graduations, and the only reason why she was at any of my birthday parties was because she just so happened to be living in the home [even though she wasn't supposed to be]. This mom of mine made my grandmother’s life a living hell. She laid down and had 5 children and she don’t give a shit about any of them.
Me and my mom are pretty much strangers, she’s always tanked up so why would I want to come to her and say anything? She is the epitome of ‘truth serum‘ because she’ll tell it like it is when she’s drunk but when there isn’t a bottle near by she stay quiet. There is no communication between us and it sucks yea but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried for years to reach out to my mom. I wanted her to be proud of me, I wanted her to love me and although she says she do; she don’t. She has an odd way in showing it if she does.
She’s voice the hatred of my marriage to my grandma because she wasn’t informed. She don’t reach out to me, so why would I find it to be second nature to reach out to her. She curses me out on Facebook; mad at me like we were best friends or something and I suddenly decide to give her the cold shoulder. No my second nature is to tell the people who care about me first then get to her later. If it make it to her through the grapevine then so be it.
All the mistakes my mom has made with all of her children, I’ve forgiven her for those mistakes and that’s all I can do. Just can’t believe the audacity of her to curse me out like she did like I did her wrong. I didn’t even have the ceremony yet, I just signed the license.
She never showed any interest in her grandson either, didn’t even ask me how he was doing, nothing. We stay in the same city and we’ve run into each other at granny’s house. She just completely ignored the baby growing inside of me. All she could say is that it look like I swallowed a basketball and she got the nerve to be mad at me when I don’t feel the need to tell her anything? Who’s to say she’s even going to remember the following day? She’s always tanked up. I’m surprised she can make it through her classes at college without wanting to leave an hour early so she can go home and drink. She’s so full of excuses it’s disrespectful to me as a mom to call her a mom. I’ve taken that word too lightly until now.
So yea, my mom hates me because, I got married at 23 to the father of my child/the love of my life and gave my child the fathers last name.
Happy Father’s Day Adam
I know I said I wasn’t making any more posts for a while but I had to do this one.
We’ve been through a lot in just a year and some months that we’ve been together. A lot was said and unsaid, a lot was done and not done. We’ve argued gotten physical, pushed each other away but for some reason we’ve gotten through it. No we’re married and have a son together. I can tell you love him a lot, as much as I do. I’m still working on some things in my life. Still trying to be more aware of feelings and emotions. Trying my best to look at the brighter side of things. You’ve helped me with that, more than you realize.
No matter what we’ve gone through and all the mistakes that we’ve made you were there when we needed you; your son and I. That’s all that matters and I’m grateful for that. I just wanted to say, happy father’s day.
The End
Even when it’s not my fault it’s my fault. When I don’t settle for things others would sit back and watch themselves get mentally beaten over, I speak up. Seems that speaking up and voicing out my emotions is a recipe for things to go downhill. I’m pretty much getting ridiculed and scrutinized for being Asilee. I can’t change overnight but people expect me to. I get hung-up on, I get the back-turns and the luxury to watch people pack their things without saying a word and leave.
Reminds me of my ex, his name was Markiss. He decided that talking things out whether the results of it turned out good or bad was not something he could do. So without a word, he packs his things up; even takes a few of my things and leaves. This was February 23rd 2007. I vowed at first to never get into another relationship then realized that’s a feat even Superman couldn’t commit to. I blamed myself for that for the next few months, I cried, contemplated suicide on many occasions. Then one day, I woke up and I didn’t even know why I was balled up in my bed with tissues strewn all over my room. I felt like I was dreaming and what happened was all in my brain. Or so I thought. Ever since then I’ve had trust issues beyond anyone’s understanding.
I siked myself up for a while after that; trying to become this woman who didn’t let something like that affect her. I had this façade that I was a strong black woman who knew how to jump back from heartache. Who knew that it wasn’t the end of the world and she can trust again. Sadly, all it did was get worse from there. I didn’t realize how much pain I was in until I sat and thought about what I put into the relationship. I did something in that relationship I never thought I could. I bent over backwards for him, bought him gifts, kissed and hugged him goodbye before work. I made compromises; I felt I would die for him if need be. I stayed up with him when he couldn’t sleep. We would lay in the bed and talk about our past relationships, our fears, our goals, our future. I gave everything I could in that relationship. I was hellbent on making a change in how I did things. He could have asked for the skin off my back and I would have said “how big of a piece?” After that relationship I naïvely became this person that was the total opposite of what I was before. I tried my best to erase that person and I did a good job at it sadly.
Then someone comes along one day in a bus stop and over a short period of time falls in love with me. He disappears for a while because of some little lie I supposedly made. Which is cruel irony in fact because with that he had no room to get mad at me for getting mad at him about lying to me about something little [I'll get to that in a minute]. Anyway, he shows up again March of 2010. He wants me back but I know what I’ve become. I know I’m still a mentally battered and bruised woman who can’t even remember what love is or was. The whole time I’m trying to convince this man in every way possible that he’s making a mistake. He doesn’t listen of course and we do a little dance for a while. By March 23rd we’re back together and he’s so much in love with me all over again; just like that.
Things have been rocky from the beginning. I’m the asshole and unapologetic. I’ve said things but didn’t care about no ones feelings. I’ve even tried toning that down but when you have someone who hasn’t had so much as a little anger management in 14-15 years. It’s really hard to take into consideration someone else feelings. I look at it like “you know how I am, so you did this to yourself”. I don’t make anyone stay with or around me, how could I?
I see this person who could have had anyone he wanted but he wanted me. He wanted to be with someone who obviously have so many things going wrong with her. It’s not like I didn’t try to get him to see that.
I feel trapped and ready to snap. What I’ve been doing these past months is trying to keep my feelings from being too open to anyone. So when I feel like I’ve got in too close, I push away.
Well anyway, about my situation that I said I was going to mention later. Yesterday I wanted to spend time with him because he was on the computer all day doing nothing while I’m a ft away from him. So I suggested we watch a movie. He put on a movie we both liked a lot. He knows I hate when people sit there and word every part of the movie. So I ask him to stop, he said he can’t help it, it’s his favorite movie. I got annoyed and let it go for a while then tell him again, but he does it again. I get up and say, “forget it, we’ll just have to watch a movie we both haven’t seen”. Mind you when I got up he grabs my arm and say ok, I promise I won’t do it.
Why do I have to get upset for people to listen to me? I’ll never get the answer to that question. Why do I have to be an ass for people to respond the way I want them to? It’s always been like that for me, even when I was a kid.
Okay, today it may have been petty but a lie is a lie. & I felt he was taking advantage of me. It was over him and my Xbox 360. He said he was downloading 4 games, on my 120GB HDD but it turned out to be 9 then 4 more then 4 more after that. I get upset because I felt like he took advantage of me and lied to me. I don’t care how little the lie is, don’t lie to me. I have really bad trust issues and so does he. But he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. So he begins to pack his stuff up after 30 minutes. He obviously either text someone when he was still sitting on the couch or he called someone when he went downstairs. I’m sitting there looking like this is Deja Vu all over again. He doesn’t speak or anything. Never mind telling me that he’s going home. Just let me sit there and watch you pack your stuff and put 2 and 2 together.
Mind you, it’s been 30 minutes since the fiasco with the 360 went down. I’ve been calmed down and started watching CSI: Miami and my other shows. He doesn’t turn around and discuss anything with me. He just decides that I need space. No I feel that was just his excuse to get out of there to go smoke and drink.
He said he don’t like to ‘argue’ if I’m arguing with him then I’m arguing with a brick wall. How is things going to get out in the open air if we both don’t talk? All he says is “whatever you say” or “ok”. How would he like it if I dismissed him that way? Nothing will be solved. We would both be sitting there mad about the situation if we just shut up and just dismissed it. He constantly says I wait til I bottle it up to say something but when I do come forward the moment it happens, I’m the asshole. Believe it or not, I feel like its my fault.
Regardless of that fact, a relationship is not healthy is everything wrong with the relationship is pretty much disregarded just because one person doesn’t like confrontations or conflicts. Don’t get in a relationship if you can’t handle everything that comes with one.
What really got to me is he wait til he gets all the way back on the side of town to open up a can of worms. He calls me to ask me am I alright. I was alright 5 minutes after the mess went down but he took it upon himself to leave. He said he was going to be here for me and the baby. He doing all of this not realizing how selfish he’s looking now. He’s hurting himself in the long-run. He wants to marry me and we get our own place. What’s going to happen then? He’s going to leave every time I get flippant? Well wait, none of that is even going down any more to begin with. As far as I’m concerned, there is no relationship.
He’s depressed, I’m depressed. I’m actually trying to see someone about my issues but he doesn’t see that. He only see and hear what he wants to. It kills me when people don’t take the time to notice the little things and then assume they know the person. He was all I had and now I have no one but my son which in fact is enough. This the third and the last time I cry about him. I’m not letting it happen anymore. I tried looking at the brighter side like my case worker suggested but I couldn’t. All I see was his back and his arms moving to shove his things in a bag and walking out the door.
So here you go Adam, here is your first and last blog about you. I’m still waiting on you to find the other one I made about you; because I can’t seem to find it any where.
Goodbye 2010
As I mentally and emotionally wave goodbye to last year, I can’t help but think about how crazy 2010 was. A lot of crazy things as well as good things happened last year. That’s probably why 2010 felt so long for me because of what I’ve been through. At the beginning of 2010 my last car accident that had the right side of my body messed was still fresh in mind from 2009. Besides that I went through a crazy break-up that left me walled and closed up; I pretty much lashed out at anyone who got close. The miscarriage of November of 2009 didn’t do much for how I felt about life either. Which makes my pregnancy now so very emotional.
It just seems things are always going to go wrong for me. I got a scare last month. One of my Midwives called and told me that there were “abnormalities” in my blood work and that I should call the genetics department to get a ultrasound for Down Syndrome before I get the amniocentesis. Well that was on the 21 my appointment for that was on the 29th. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with my son on the ultrasound. I had 3 doctors in the room and they all suggested that I come back in 3 weeks when I’m further along to get another ultrasound; that’s going to last another hour. I feel that my baby is going to be fine and I won’t get any necessary poking of needles unless they find something wrong with him.
I didn’t make any new year’s resolution; never have never will. I believe that resolutions are for people who think they need to make one. They could had made a resolution all that year. They could have gotten pissy drunk at the last day of every month as well. Why wait til the end of the year to do something you could have been done? Excuses, that’s why.
I must say that I happy and surprised I have so many people supporting me with this pregnancy. The only person that I probably shouldn’t care less about is my mom. She came over today because it’s her birthday. She wanted to be gassed up that it was her birthday. She then gone get upset that I or no one else wished her a happy birthday. She didn’t wish me a happy birthday and she sure as hell haven’t asked how her grandchild is doing. I caught wind that she only shows up when she wants something. I also think she was expecting money in her birthday card like she was 17 or something. It’s sad that all she can do is think about herself. That shouldn’t even be new to me or bother me but I can’t help but be shocked at how little change she has made with her life. She thought going to school was going to make me see her in a different light. She’s still drinking and she hates me even more. I don’t understand why she does but she do. Probably because I’m succeeding at everything she failed at and she only has herself to blame for that. She always want ME to call her and for ME to contact her. Why can’t she call ME and contact ME? She knows my cellphone number as well as my Facebook page. She’s not even trying to reach out to her first daughter. Instead of being a mother, she’s being the bitch that had 5 children and didn’t give a damn about. Well it seems like the only one she don’t give a damn about is me now. I guess that’s cool. I don’t need her, I never asked her for anything and never will. I’m not even gone ask her to be at the hospital come June 9th. She’s not about to be tanked; smelling like a brewery, making everyone around her sick.
Anyway, enough of her. I’m 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant as of the date of this blog. I’ve gained some weight but I feel I should have gained more weight. I don’t like how I lost an inch of my height though; I was 5’8 and 3/4 now I’m 5’7″ and 3/4. That sucks. Although, when I think about it, I don’t care. As long as my baby is healthy, I can lose 3 more inches off my height. As far as the first trimester, I just got bigger and swollen breast and some nausea. I got the up-side to morning sickness. I just couldn’t smell anything or watch food commercials. Now, I’m craving pizza and pasta all the time but I’m trying to eat healthier because I know I can’t just eat that. It’s just so hard when everything else I try to eat I have to force myself to eat it because I don’t have a taste for it. Wait, I love scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, and orange juice. I’ve never been a breakfast eater but for some reason now, I believe I can eat that around the clock. That and salad.
Guess I’ll see Adam tomorrow. I have to stop thinking he’s going to show up when he say he is and he don’t. I’m the one left feeling and looking like a dumb ass when he don’t show up. Eh, it could be worse I guess. I could have a baby father who don’t give a damn.
Last year was rough for me besides the things mentioned. I was in college but had to drop out for reasons I won’t mention here. At the end of last year my grandmother lost her sister and son in a week. I lost an Aunt and my favorite Uncle. That still bothered me for a while, that changed how I looked at life just a little. It made me realize how strong my grandmother is as well. So when she’s skeptical about being around long enough to see her great-grandson born I don’t even entertain that thought. Of course life’s a mother and it’s no guess that people can drop when you least expect it. I just got that feeling that my grandmother is going to be here to see her great-grandson.
I lost a cousin last year as well. We were close but not close enough to shed a tear for. He wasn’t blood related either, he was just someone I called my cousin. He looked like one of my cousins from Cali now that I think about it. Well he wasn’t up here when he passed away, he moved down South a couple of years ago and we lost contact. I’m kind of sorry that we did. I’ve lost so much last year and the year before that sometimes I still dwell on that and neglect the things I’ve gained. Maybe that will change as time passes.
All in all, I felt defeated, depressed, tired, emotionally battered mostly all throughout 2010 and I’m just glad that year is over and hopefully this year will be different.
Related articles
- Pregnancy Screening – Down Syndrome Ultrasound vs. Invasive Tests
- Changes in Fetal Growth and Development During the Second Trimester of Pregnancy
