Category Archives: Love & Relationships
This category is about my 3 year on and relationship I’ve had this one guy and a lot of other relationship issues. This category will also give advice on relationships.
What I Missed Out On When I Got Married
They say weddings last longer when you get straight to the point and cut out the wedding, the honeymoon etc. Well I’m starting to doubt that theory. There was no picking out a dress, no picking out colors, I don’t even have a 
ring. I skipped the entire “engagement” phase entirely. I simply signed the papers and that was it. I didn’t even get proposed to. I didn’t realize how much this affected me until I was reading about different and creative ways people get proposed to. That part of my life I didn’t get to experience and it feels like I missed out on it. I seriously want a do over and at the same time I don’t.
No way am I saying that a wedding makes a marriage but it never hurts to celebrate being with the person you love right?
People say getting the money and finding time to plan for a wedding and getting the bridesmaids and things like that are stressful and a waste of time. I didn’t even get to experience first-hand AT ALL what it would even feel like to go through that to make my definition of what stressful is when it came to planning for a wedding.
I feel like the only reason why I got married was because of my son and that both parents needed to be together for his sake. What if they don’t love each other any more? What then? Are they supposed to suffer for their son’s sake? Are two miserable people supposed to stay together because they want their son to grow up and take after the good examples his parents taught him? The answer is no.
I feel like this marriage was rushed, wasn’t thought out and I feel like I missed out probably a once in a lifetime feeling and that’s a wedding. Every woman wants to have a wedding, to wear a dress and go down the aisle; atheist or not. Weddings are no longer “sacred” and the way I handled my marriage, I’m starting to go back to what I originally thought:
GETTING MARRIED IS A WASTE OF MONEY, PAPER AND INK! What’s the difference between being married and just being together besides some legalized paper and a signature? Absolutely nothing. I could be lashing out at the idea of being married because I missed out on having a wedding but at this point, I feel like that would have really felt like I was getting married. My son is almost a year old and I still don’t have a ring. It just doesn’t feel official. I feel like this wedding was arraigned on my sons behalf.
This is not how I pictured how it would be when I got married. When I was child I thought about my dream wedding and my big poofy dress. I pictured my prince charming at the other end of the aisle smiling from ear to ear ready for me to be his wife. Boy was I wrong. I got my vows wed to me and that was it. My son being so close to his due date may have something to do with that but the wedding could have waited until I had him. I honestly don’t believe there was a rush to get married and now I regret ever getting married.
I was so down about this particular situation today, I couldn’t even do my school work. I just sat at my desk, staring at my discussion questions I was supposed to do for 10 minutes before I came to. 7 months into this marriage and it still doesn’t feel like I’m married. To say a wedding, rings and all that other stuff doesn’t matter is a damn lie and I refuse to believe otherwise. This is my first marriage and if it don’t work out, I’m done. This will be my last. The whole way it went about and what happened before I got married and what I went through emotionally with my husband, I’m totally turned off from being married. If I get divorced, I won’t be surprised if I start crying — not because of the concept of divorce but because I should have gotten a dress, a bouquet and my family smiling at me in the pews. I feel robbed. The way I feel about this whole thing may be wrong or off but that’s from someone on the outside looking in. You can’t possibly understand how I feel about all of this.
My grandmother was so ecstatic to hear that I was getting married. She immediately called up my Aunt Barbara. She was going to get my flowers and everything for me. I was happy, for once. I was going to pick out a dress and pick out my matron of honor but I didn’t get to do any of that. I feel robbed of that. Especially after the year I had. I got pregnant a couple of months after I lost my aunt and uncle. My grandmother lost her sister and son. I had to go to two funerals that year. I end up losing my play cousin at the beginning of 2011. Then I get a call from the doctor saying that my son could have down syndrome. It seems like my world was just crumbling apart and for that I ended up hating myself, my mom and taking it out on people that didn’t deserve it. I went through some emotional battles those two years and if I didn’t get pregnant, it was guaranteed I was going to kill myself and not give a damn about anyone crying.
I didn’t get a “Happy Valentines Day” or a “Happy Mother’s Day” last year. It’s crazy I remember that — well not really, when all you have is bad shit happening in your life, it’s not hard to remember the bad things that happen. For once in my life, can I feel appreciated? Can I feel happy? Can I feel special? I was deprived of love and attention as a child and it looks like it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. All I want is a little, not a lot. My family took me for granted so many times. Always wanting me to come to their aid, wanting me to help them but I never gotten so much as a damn thank you. Now that I’m 24 they’re trying to make it up to me for that and letting my brother molest me. I’m mentally battling so many things these days, it’s a wonder why I down all my Trazadone and just pray that I took enough to end my life.
One day my chance to feel happy and appreciated will eventually come, I’ll be getting buried or being put in an urn.
Like this:
25 Things Women Wish They Could Tell Men
1. Every woman could use one compliment a day.
2. We’d rather you didn’t say, “I’ll call you” if you really mean “goodbye.” Just don’t say anything — we won’t think you’re a jerk as we part ways for the night. And you know the saying that goes, “It’s better to under-promise and over-deliver”? How about, just don’t promise anything and don’t deliver anything.
3. Most of us are not crazy or psycho. We can be emotional and hormonal.
4. If we catch you glancing at our chest when you’re a foot away, we’ll think you’re rude and have no willpower. You can look, but from a distance.
5. Even the most confident among us can act needy and insecure at times. It happens when you start pulling away and we’re not aware that that’s what you’re doing, only that you’re acting funny. But oh, you should see how cool and independent most of us are when we’re not dating someone.
6. Feminine hygiene commercials are silly, but don’t complain about having to watch them. Try having to use them — for several days each month, I mean — for most of your life. When you complain, it makes you look insensitive. And weak. We have no sympathy.
7. Please don’t yell when you think we’re driving poorly, especially if we’re from the west coast and we’ve never seen a rotary before. Just give us advice, help, or moral support. (P.S. If you stomp your foot on the ground because you think we should brake, well, it’s just funny. We will brake if/when we need to.)
8. If you text, “Hows ur week goin?” we can either reply “good” and risk sounding curt (see #16) or we can send you a 400-word document. Don’t put us in this position. Just don’t text open-ended questions.
9. Texting a girl twice a week does not count as staying in contact. It’s meaningless and a waste of everyone’s time. Let her go.
10. Booty texts: weak.
11. If you’re a mama’s boy and you’re looking for a wife, think about it: what woman wants to be #2? Consider setting boundaries and work on establishing some independence. You and your mom can have a loving relationship without being co-dependent.
12. After you do something bad, it would be so much better if you called us right away to apologize. You think it’s best to wait a few days while we cool off, but what’s cooling off is our feelings for you. Man up. The sooner the better.
13. The reason we’re up in your grill about what time you’re coming over, and the reason we’re so good at communicating our own whereabouts, is that since the beginning of time our parents were making us report back to them about where we were and when we’d be home.
14. High heels really hurt.
15. Teasing won’t bait us. Attempting to wear us down is annoying.
16. 5-word emails seem cranky. Efficient, yes. Loving, no. Greet. Ask questions. Elaborate where possible.
17. If we say we’re babysitting for a friend, we did not say we want to have a baby now and that we want you to be the dad. “I’m babysitting” simply means, “I’m busy being a good friend.” You are paranoid and it’s embarrassing.
18. Stop talking about marrying us until you actually give one of us a ring.
19. Please be aware of how serious and in love you sound. Just say, “I like you,” not, “Let’s fly to Miami next month.” (I thought guys were supposed to be direct.) Sure, it sounds cooler (and less vulnerable) to talk a big game about Miami, but come next month, you won’t remember saying anything about Miami.
20. If a girl has pretty eyes, she has probably heard men tell her that five thousand times. It’s fine to repeat the compliment, but you’ll make a much bigger impression if you find something else to compliment.
21. As far as having children goes, you have the luxury of time. Appreciate it.
22. Taking us for granted is probably the worst thing you could do after cheating and lying. Since women are very good at appreciating each other, your behavior looks kinda selfish to us.
23. The word is “cherish.” Do you cherish her?
24. Not all of us enjoy sitting around watching soap operas all day with a container of Rocky Road ice cream. Some of us enjoy video games – like me; as much as guys.
25. Open up to us. We may be emotional 40% of the time but we’re – well some of us are really good listeners. If you can’t vent to us, then why are we together? We’re best friends first – then lovers.
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To Ced
This is the last blog I’ll ever make about you Ced. I don’t know if you’ve read any of what has been said under this category but this will be the last, and this is all I have to say…
Loving you is easy, but not being with you isn’t. Thinking about you hurts, but not thinking about you hurts a lot more. The dreams I had with us were fun, but waking up knowing that it was just a dream made me feel alone. I still love you and miss everything we had but its time that we move on. I’ll always remember us and everything we been through. I won’t hold anything that caused us to go down this path against you. I hope you find everything in life that you’re looking for.
It hurts to walk away from you; from us but you’ve left me with no choice. All I can do is keep moving forward and I hope you do the same. Even if you didn’t realize this but I appreciated everything you did do for me and the trying that you did. I’m going to always love you no matter what.
-Asilee
When It’s Time to Just Give Up…
There is a man who was dating a woman for a good 4-5 years. This woman though for a while was in love with this man and was always there for him, waiting on him to realize she would never leave him. He ignores her and treats her like shit, viewing women web-cams, online flirting with them and anything else sexual you can do online. This woman tells him time and time again that what he’s doing is wrong and its hurting her. He tries for a while but goes right back to doing what he was doing. She gets pissed for the very last time and he finally wakes up. She’s done being someone to just walk all over and she finally for the last time leaves him for good. He begs and pleads, cries even to get her to see that he was always there for her but she was the one ignoring him. It goes on for weeks and is still going on although she has moved on and found another boyfriend, although he doesn’t know she has a boyfriend. He sends her notes via Yahoo Messenger telling her that he’s never going to give up on them. She tries her damnedest with her approach to get him to realize that she no longer wants him without having to bruise his heart even further by just telling him that she has a boyfriend.
The time to give up was way before she decided to get with her new love; her soul mate but she don’t want to string her ex along thinking he has a chance when he don’t. She picked the wrong time to grow a conscience and awareness for what he might feel after hearing such terrible news. She tried telling herself that he did this to himself, he pushed her away by taking her for granted and using her. She refused to ask a zebra to change its stripes for her. She tried to deal with his annoying qualities and tried focusing on the reasons why she loved him. That technique soon failed. She tried sending him letters, notes in the past explaining thoroughly how his lifestyle was effecting her emotionally and mentally but he never listened. He always had this personality where anything that didn’t benefit him meant squat to him. She regrets ever meeting him and should of left him where she found him but she still loves him and she promised she would no matter what.
Now that this man finally realizes what and who she really was to him, he wants to be apologetic and plead to her to give them one more chance at love, but its too late. She will always love him and I’m sure he would never forget her but its time to throw in the towel, walk away, give up.
Why does he watch me sleep?
Its been occasions when I would wake up with this sense of someone watching me and low and behold, this fool [ex boyfriend] be at the end of the bed [never in the bed] staring at me. He doesn’t notice I’m laying there watching him watching me because its dark in the room. So he’s standing there staring at me; watching me for 2-3 minutes until he walks out of the room and 3-5 minutes later he comes back in and does it again. This has been going on for the past 5 months or so. I’ve even told him I know he watches me sleep and he tells me, I “sleep funny”. How in the hell does one sleep ‘funny’? Other times when I’m tossing and turning in my sleep and he’s up and about moving around in the apartment, he’ll walk in and start talking to me like I’m wide awake and giving him my undivided attention. I don’t know what’s going on with him but I seriously need to get the hell out of here. Living with an ex boyfriend is awkward as it is.
I honestly don’t think he does this because he loves me or to see me at peace and or that I look, calm and beautiful when I’m sleep. I’ve heard all of that before. Plus its dark as hell in the room, honestly what can he see in a pitch black ass room? Besides me seeing that awful bright white ass t-shirt he wears, not a damn thing.
I am so not flattered that he’s doing this; I’m pretty much creeped out. His posture and the way he tilt his head to one side and just stands there and watch…-shivers. I’m beginning to believe he does this to make sure I’m not waking up so he can sneak and do shit on my computer without my knowledge. My computer is in the living room and the bed is loud as hell so when I’m moving, I’m sure the next door neighbors can hear the bed. If I were to move to get up, what ever he is doing in the next room would and could be gone before I sit up to put on my house shoes.
If I were to ask why he watches me sleep, I won’t get an answer. I’ve known this man for 6 years; asking him anything would be a lost cause. My gut is telling me he’s out to get me [that was a joke...I think].
I have the perfect picture I took of when one of my Sims in The Sims 3 was watching someone sleep. This is exactly what he be looking like. Never knew this picture would come in handy:
In the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make
I was reading an article recently about reasons why men would dump their significant other and I will have to say that he appear to be the most self-important,egocentric person that I’ve had the displeasure of coming across in a long time. I would hate to assume that he will be the one who is going to be a bachelor until he’s oh say 55 when he starts having a few physical problems and then start thinking of someone who could take care of him and/or be there for him when he’s sick. It’s all about his needs.
My biggest fear is if science can figure out how women can give birth all on their own. You would think Science can do the same for finding out the way the male species acts sometimes. There still are a few who know how to treat a lady, be somewhat sophisticated and have manners, actually think for themselves, and realize a relationship is 50-50. That includes cleaning up after your sorry ass; cook once in awhile; and pitch in and do the laundry. Now a days these ‘men’ are guys who can’t even fix a fucking hinge on a kitchen cabinet, or vacuum for that matter. Self-centered, egotistical, “Sweet-honey iced tea, I just broke a nail” men who lives revolve 24-7 around the head of their dick.
The world needs women who can give men all the rope they need to hang themselves while simply positioning a mirror so they could get a good look at themselves and see how foolish they can be.
Yes, men are physically stronger [most of the time] but when I hear debates between the sexes about who’s the stronger species; I will have to say that the woman takes the cake; and not because I’m a woman. I know of no man who can work a twelve hour shift; go home and take care of two kids; run a house and still come back the next day and keep up with everyone else. If men would stifle their vain pride and listen sometimes to their ‘other half’, they might save themselves some serious consequences; same goes for women. We each have strengths and if you combine the two, a relationship is a formidable force.
Its also pretty pathetic how men have high expectancies of their girlfriends as far as their body mass is concerned when they look like Fat Albert. If a guy requires his girlfriend to look good and stay in shape, he best reciprocate likewise. It kills me when a woman looks tight and the dude is a 42oz, remote control; video game zombie couch potato. The last song the Beatles sung together pretty much sums it up, “In the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make.”
The Boyfriend with NO Complaints
Should I be concerned that the boyfriend I’ve known for 4-5 years now have no complaints about me and our relationship? He told me in a myspace message [it was a while back like way before I moved in and I barely got to see him] that he has a hard time expressing himself, mostly about his life. He basically said he don’t want to make his problems mine so he tries to avoid that as much as possible. Anyway, I’m just curious as to why I don’t get feedback on how a good or bad of a girlfriend I am. He can’t even tell me what he likes about me or why he loves me. [He don't even say those 3 words any more].
I’m starting to believe that moving in was a bad idea. There’s no time to miss each other being that me and him are both unemployed at the moment. So we’re always seeing each other. We eat, sleep, play and everything else together. But no matter how many arguments we get into or opportunities he have to tell me about me he don’t. Yes, I’ve tried asking him but he just changes the subject so I leave it alone. Maybe its just me.
Lovers Spat
The Refrigerator – Long story.
My Xbox 360 - He don’t like anything by Microsoft but yet he’s always playing my Xbox 360 and saying how the Sony PS3 is better. So I have to ask him all the time, “if you hate it so much why are you constantly playing it?” He can never give me a straight answer, just that he’s bored. I mean dude you have a friend downstairs that you always go and play computer games with until 1-200 in the A.M. So you have no excuse.
Web Cams – My boyfriend has a web cam that he uses often. He has bitches he get online for and I think its cheating but he doesn’t. So I go and buy me a web cam and its a problem. I mean if he can get on his web cam for bitches why can’t I get on my web cam for my male friends? So what if two wrongs don’t make a right I could care-less. Its not fair that he gets to have all of the say-so in the relationship well…after 4 years of being with him I think its time to say “to hell with your say-so”.
Video Games – This is an ongoing argument and its not going any where, he’s always talking about the competition between to game companies with the same type of game. For Instance Grand Theft Auto IV and Saints Row II. He swears up and down that people buy Saints Row cause they know what’s better. How would they know if this is their first time getting the game and that they haven’t played it yet so they can’t know whats better? I for one just think people don’t know any better so they are going to buy video games regardless of the name or how its played.
Apple Juice – We both love apple juice so I always buy both of us the same amount so he doesn’t drink mine. Yet though he finds a way to drink all of his and go after mine which leads to an argument about sharing. I did share, I shared my money to buy it.
Kool-Aid – I don’t like Kool-Aid and he knows I don’t like it but yet he tries to tell me that his Kool-Aid is better and that it doesn’t taste all syrupy. He haves me try it and it taste like Gatorade. So I told him I’m not drinking that shit any more and he has been arguing since then that he has made it better and that I should try it. It gets highly annoying at times because he can’t fail to realize that all blacks don’t like Kool-Aid, so he calls me white just because I’m mixed and that my father is white. He can be racist at times but I guess it comes with his personality. If I didn’t know any better I could of sworn whites like Kool-Aid too.
Dish Washing – He feels that he did them 6 days ago that he don’t have to do them no more for that month. So thats bullshit in my book so I call him on it. Why does he feel that he can be a pig? He knows I cannot tolerate nastiness or dirtiness but yet he cannot help me out with simple chores. I don’t ask him often to wash the dishes cause they won’t get done until I have to get up and wash them. So he asks me what is wrong with me when I’m launching plates across the room.
Money – He tries to tell me what to do with my money all of the time. Like soon once I get paid he’ll be telling me to, “start buying the parts for your computer that you are suppose to build.” Well see that’s why I haven’t done it yet cause if I do it when he say do it, he’ll notice that and feel he has the upper hand on me and my money. So I’m going to do it when I damn well feel like it. My computer that I’m using now is doing good and I’ve had it for 4 years now. I’ll manage with this one until I’m ready to build my gaming computer. That’s the only reason why he’s stressing me cause he knows its going to be a gaming computer.
Cable – He swears he got the cable so that I can watch Spongebob Squarepants and Adult Swim when he’s always watching House MD and The Food Network channel. Half the time when USA has a House MD marathon going on it lasts all day and I don’t get to watch TV at all. Sometimes I have to wrestle the remote from him cause he’s been hogging the TV all day but he swears I’ve been watching more TV when its clear I have an Xbox. I have no need for TV when I have an Xbox 360.
Social Networking Sites – He spends most of his time on them chatting it up and caking bitches. Very rarely he comes out of his room and sit with me and enjoy my company. He stays in his room all day everyday. Its that and Monopoly now. He says that he do come out of his room. Yea he’s right, to eat and take a shit. When the internet is off that’s a whole different story, he’s out in the living room area with me like its going out of style. When I speak up about this he swears he think I’m going crazy. No he’s going crazy, I’m the most sane person he’ll ever meet.
Cake – Every time I bake a cake, Cedric is on me about eating the whole thing. Its not my fault if I have a sweet tooth and its around that time of the month. Having a large appetite doesn’t help it either. I always end up having to tell his ass that I can eat all of my cake if I want to. He always end up saying, “not at once”. Well why the hell not? You can sit there and eat all of my things at once, why cannot I eat all of my cake at once? Oh its probably cause he can’t get any.
Well its been fun, I’ll add more onto this list when I can think of it.
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Ced
Ced, he’s my boyfriend of 4 going on 5 years. I love this man to death. There are days where I want to just bear hug his small short ass and there’s other days where I want to slap the arrogant words out of his mouth. Standing at 5’5″ while I’m 5’9″, you would think I would just smack him around and make him my bitch. Lol, just joking. We are different in so many ways but alike at the same time. This relationship has always been rocky but it has kept me around because I seriously think I’m the only one that can put up with his bullshit these days. See I’m bi-polar and it doesn’t help that sometimes the things he says triggers my short temper. I have high blood pressure amongst a lot of other things; Ced seems to cope with it very well. He doesn’t have a problem though telling me things that I can’t do. I never believed in the word “can’t” So it kind of hurts that he does.
Sometimes, it feels he doesn’t even know me. I don’t really know him like I truly want to. We barely talk like normal human beings. Its hard to explain but we don’t talk about things that normal relationships talk about. We have an understanding though, its an understanding no one else but us would understand but its very well understood.
We sleep in different rooms; why? Because he likes to be up late on the computer and the clicking and laughing he does drives me nuts so I sleep on the couch. I don’t think it bothers him much, he don’t have to share a bed with me. I don’t snore or anything, its just that I like to go to sleep immediately, like as soon as I get tired. Sleep for me is hard to come by. I have Chronic Insomnia so I want every wink when I lay my head down. For a minute I think it was bothering him that I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed with him any more. For a minute I really didn’t care, I kind of still don’t. Actually I really don’t. I need my sleep dammit.
I’ve left this guy and came back to him over 6 times. He’s “trying to change” I guess but he still find ways to hurt me without thinking he’s hurting me. See if he sat down and talked or at least listened to me then maybe he wouldn’t have to get cursed out when I snap at him. See he says he don’t know how to be in a relationship. So Why should I leave him because of that? If I leave him and he starts a relationship with someone else they not gone have the patience I have or understand him. That’s not obligating me to stay, I’m staying with him because I love him. He has flaws and I have flaws. I have to work this out wit him cause he’s all I have. I don’t have a family, I just him. Really that’s all I really need, I don’t need the privilege of having a bunch of friends, all that is gone do for me is a bunch of trouble.
Sometimes I have to ask myself, “why do he love me, why does he put up with me?” I have yet to find an answer. I haven’t heard the words “I love you” in a while. I haven’t said it lately either. When we first met I do believe we were in love and we just told each other that every chance we got. Now that we’re living together its like it isn’t an option to say it or not. We already know.
I have bent over backwards for Ced. They say love make you do crazy things. Well I haven’t done anything crazy yet. Probably cause I’ve always been crazy so I’ve probably done crazy shit but its a normalcy to me. I’m not your average person. I’m a rare find to a lot of men these days. I have logic, brains, talents, looks. Its a shame that Ced don’t realize what he have until its half way out the damn door.
Ced, is some what a pig. He’s gotten lazy and I’m going to break him of that. He’s talking about bringing children into this world. Well I cannot have my children thinking its okay to live in filth or don’t take the responsibility in cleaning after themselves. That’s a hell no in my book. I refuse to let my kids see that shit. See he’s 27 and I’m 21 and he acts younger than I do at times. He’s witty and very smart. The things he say will probably have you in tears cause he’s so hilarious at times. He do though know how to push my buttons, he’s not really passionate or affectionate and that bugs me too. Only time he’s like that is during sex, or if we’re watching a movie. Other times he’s poking me and just doing shit you would do to your little brother if you had one. I feel like a sibling to him at times. Is it because I play video games? Nah, I hope not.
Basically, there are things I would like to see change concerning him but mostly I love him the way he is. Just like he love me and my over 200 scars and other flaws that come with me the way I am. I would go to hell and back for him as many times as I he wanted me too, I would die for him cause without him I wouldn’t have shit else to live for.
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The Single Life
I always hear people saying that they’re tired of the single life and that they want a boyfriend/girlfriend or what not. Well sometimes being single is the best thing for some. Like me, I’m not single but lately I’ve been wondering would I be going through these life changes, insecurities and this lack of trust I have with someone if I was? I highly doubt that I would. As I sit, think, wonder, observe, and put things together. I’m finding out more from my significant other without me opening my mouth. Most of it is negative but there’s no point in me even discussing that. Okay yesterday he leaves, doesn’t call, message nothing. Don’t let me know he’s okay, nothing. I got a call from my grandmother that evening and she needed someone to watch the house while she go to the hospital with the Uncle sense everyone else in the house was out. I couldn’t even go cause it was late but if It wasn’t I could of walked. He has my bus pass and he couldn’t even have the common courtesy to call and tell me anything.
He’s getting a little too damned comfortable in this relationship. Meaning his true form is showing. Its not like it was that much covered but shit I didn’t notice before; I’m catching on to. He got one more time to whatever me and I’m going to snap. He contradicts the fuck out of himself. He ask a question then when he gets an answer he didn’t/don’t want to hear he says whatever like he shouldn’t of asked or didn’t want to know in the first damned place. I’ve never been angry at any of my significant others every other damned day. Like I said in my other blog, this relationship is more stress than its worth. Day after day I’m finding less and less things that’s keeping me around. I’m just waiting on that last leaf to make its way to the ground. That last straw, that last drop; that last breath. I don’t know if I would snap or just leave. Its coming down to the point it wouldn’t even be a point in me even getting angry or even saying anything when it doesn’t mean squat TO him.
In a minute all he is going to have is his basketball friends, his best friend, his myspace friends, his CS friends and Y! friends but the girlfriend; is going to be gone. She might go back on her promise and not even be his friend. She might go back on her word and leave him. She just damn well might go back on everything she vowed not to do for the sake of her blood pressure.
Its like he think cause he has the title “boyfriend” he gets special treatments and shit. I mean yea the little shit but some shit he just makes me want to release all my anger out and clothesline the shit out of him. He don’t realize I can get angry enough to toss his ass. I don’t never remember much or know where the strength come from but someone usually gets hurt when I’m that angry. I hate bottling shit up, I hate repeating myself, I hate going through this shit over and over, I’m almost hate caring cause all it looks like to me is him getting a free ride. Well since he like living in filth; he like the way his home looked before I came around. Well that’s how its gone be. I’m not gone pick up after him at all. I’m going to let him be on his daily scheduled routine; like I’m not around or something. I’m going to act invisible most of the time. This living arrangement is only temporary.
SOON as I get me a damn job and a damned good one I WILL be looking for me a place ASAP. & No he can’t move in or come dirty up my place either. MAN it ain’t even about his capabilities of cleaning or the fact his house if I wasn’t there wouldn’t get/be cleaned. Its the fact he takes advantage of shit.
You know, I’m very random with my blogs, I jump from one topic to another but still is understood. Anyway, this medicine that I’m taking; causes mood swings. But this is NO mood swing. These are bottled feelings that can’t but want to escape, want to be heard, want to be seen, want to be acknowledged. But the man that is the main reason to all the madness is so blind, to the fact that he doesn’t realize he’s blind. He think its easy talking to him, he think its easy discussing shit to him. Everything is one sided cause he got this facade that he has all the answers. I hate that about him. He don’t have all the answers. He don’t know half of which he speak. When I cook, he has a problem with that. That irks the FUCK out of me when someone tell me what to do in the damned kitchen. I’m not kitchen illiterate. I know my way around. Let me move around that bitch to the best of my abilities. Don’t tell me what to put in a pan. Let me do this. You wasn’t in the kitchen when I started don’t try to be in there when I damned there finished. When I do eat, he has a problem with that. He says I play around with my food; I’ve never done that a day in my life. He says I never eat. No you aren’t around me every single moment. The 3-day weekend he was gone, I ate at least 50-60 times. I kept going back and back and forth to the store and to the fridge. I couldn’t stop eating and I haven’t taken my medicine yet. So he thinks he knows me, he thinks he knows my habits. When he only knows what he see’s. Nothing that happens repeatedly, just that one time and he knows right away I do it all the time. Get that bullshit out of here Ced. We have NOT ONCE sat down and told each other our dreams, or even told where and how we grew up face to face.
Haven’t even told you how I got so talented besides looking at shit and being stuck in the house when I was younger. Yea the shit I wrote you but the things you say and do to be is very obvious that you read it with your mind and eyes closed. Maybe you read it but shit you didn’t remember half the shit that was said cause you didn’t read it. I hate wasting my time thinking I’m going to get through to that person only to be let down in the end. I give my all and that isn’t enough. Some no MOST of y’all men of today that sit and chat with face-less people on the net day in day out is forgetting that it’s going to be a day where someone is going to care and be there for you, but y’all just gone push them away cause you let that e-life rub off on you and that’s all the hell you know. Half the time the e-life you’re living is fake and you just so happened to start believing the shit and start acting it out in real life. Whether its calling females bitches or just not being themselves all together.
Another thing, I’ve talked to my ex about all the nudity on this computer. That’s disgusting and rude as fuck to even have that shit right in your face and its also a sign of cheating and worse things to come/happen. Either that person got a problem or he just don’t give a damn about you and think them bitches he’ll never fuck is more worthwhile than the one that’s actually putting up with his bullshit and being there for him. He told me to let him keep e-fucking them face-less bitches miles and miles away. He gone look up and that’s all the hell he gone have.
He is great to be around don’t get me wrong there are some good qualities about him. Or I wouldn’t be sticking around. I’m a sucker for love but I ain’t no damn fool. Its not even about the sex; its pretty obvious I don’t need it in my life. I mean I get the occasional horny-ness but who doesn’t? Anyway, if it were more good qualities to out-weigh the bad qualities, I would be back in love with him but sadly, I’m out of it. I just love him. I’m not in love with him no more. That flame was a year ago. Its sad its going to be 3 yrs and I know less about him than I did 2 yrs ago. People say if you fall out of love, you were never in love to begin with. People fall out of love like a chronic depressed person stops doing things they loved the most.
Also its like he hiding something. My gut is always right and my heart. Every time I think about it; my heart beating fast. So yea he’s hiding something and its bad but he says he not hiding anything but I’m rarely paranoid. I’m rarely not on the money. & If he don’t just come out with it, this relationship won’t make it to this November and maybe not even that long. My heart is already telling me to throw in the towel on this relationship. Its not anything major that he’s doing that’s causing me to want to break up. Its the same little shit that keeps getting to me.
I know what I like in a man when it comes to a relationship. Just not with him, I don’t know whats keeping me around, I don’t know why I’m bothering myself with him. Not only does my heart tells me about the bad but it has a good side too. I think about down the road I guess. I guess that keeps the relationship going. Plus I can just sit and think about certain things he does or say and I just burst out laughing; damn there in tears.
Its very simple in fact; keeping me happy that is. Just make me laugh and do things with me. The attention my boyfriend gives me half the time isn’t something I want. Usually I end up bruised and or in a choke hold from him wrestling with my ass. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll get the attention anyway I can I guess.
If I had a dollar for all of the times I thought I’d found the right one
I’d be a billionaire
I could probably ride out and go and buy me one
I wouldn’t mind a dude
That could take my attitude
And take the time to listen
Someone that understands when I need a little space
And when I need attention. All you got to do is come around.
