I didn’t see it ending like this…

Living out here in Euclid, Ohio is very depressing. I’m living with someone who leaves and comes back smelling like the smoking section in a restaurant. I look out the windows and all I see is water and parked cars. I’m trapped here. I can’t catch the bus, don’t have an outlet and if I do leave, there’s a chance I won’t be able to get back in, so I just stay in this bedroom and watch House all damn day. I had appointment last week and you know what my Significant other did? He waited til the ride gets here to tell me he couldn’t go. I was in SO much pain that day. By the time my appointment was over and I managed to get back to the building I was crying. Then I got angry because this nonchalant ass of a SO I have had the nerve to ask me whats wrong. I WAS JUST IN THE DAMN HOSPITAL FOR THIS PAIN!!! The least you could of did was help me walk on the slippery sidewalks. You couldn’t even come downstairs and tell me you couldn’t come. Oh but when I come back upstairs in the apartment, it smells like weed. So, you mean to tell me the person that was supposedly dropping something off couldn’t had waited? I’m carrying your son, not some god damned XBOX!

That’s not even the kicker. I fell twice on my way to the grocery store today. I had to walk to the store to get milk and bread because it’s like “every man for himself:” in this apartment. My living conditions are no little difference if I was still staying where I was before. The ONLY difference is no one is threatening to choke me out because they’re frustrated. I’m even more depressed now than I was before my appointment. I have no support and soon no phone. The only thing that’s keeping me from jumping off this 17th floor balcony is my son. I wake up wanting to die, go to sleep wanting to die. When I eat, I want to die. When I look at him I want to FUCKING DIE! It is so true that you don’t know a person until you’ve actually lived with them. Well if he thinks I’m mean then he’s Dr. Jekyll; and Mr. Hyde.

I can just feel my life spiraling out of control and it’s just getting worse. To tell me to look at someone’s life and their problems is not going to make my situation any better. All that’s going to do is make me call you an ass. It’s so easier said than done to just let things go or to simply “keep the peace”. Nothing gets aired out, nothing gets talked out because 9/10 I’m the one with the problems and no one else. I’m at fault for all the tears shed and bouts of depression. People don’t realize that, I don’t have anything and when something of mine is stolen or broken, I’m going to be upset. I don’t care how little it is. My family left me with nothing on numerous occasions. They’ve stole, sold and given away everything that had value to me. So for someone to sit there and take advantage of me is like spitting in my face.

He always want me to make sacrifices and compromise. Why? You’re sitting on your ass smoking away every dime you make. The house need things and all you can think of is buying PS3 pieces so you can fix it, play it and MAYBE sell it. You’re gone right now, haven’t told me a damn thing like you normally don’t. You just up and leave and expect me to be okay with it. Now if the shoe was on the other foot you would want to know where I was going. Why can’t I get that same damn respect? Why do I HAVE to ask you where you’re going? Why do I have to scream to get you to get up? & You have the nerve to want to marry me? No, I don’t think so. You’re already married. You’re married to your weed, friends and broken computer parts of every sort. If this is how you treat “the love of your life” I would hate to see how you treat your enemies.

What a shame it is to be Asilee. All she has is her online friends and blog to vent things out. The only thing I don’t have to worry about is my blog will always be here. I won’t be able to get any back massages or foot rubs but hey you don’t give em either. It’s sad that I’m another black single mother now. Being with you isn’t making me happy. I don’t need you to make me happy. All you’re doing is showing me how you’re going to be if we were married. Before that train takes off, I’m going to make sure I’m on it.

You’ve made a lot of broken promises and told me you were going to do this that and the other for me. I just sit and wait. You never come through. I don’t hold that against you, you have other poor qualities that I can do that with. I’m not perfect, I sure as hell don’t try to be. I know my flaws and the emotional battles I go through. You don’t even come to me for anything besides “can I borrow your PSP?” or “Can I burn this disc?” oh and “Can I play Mass Effect 2?” Other than that, you couldn’t care less what I’m going through. Well today is the last straw. I will not allow you to keep stealing from me and taking advantage of me. You ask me “can we talk?” when I already know what that translates to “I’m going to take this advantage to get you all upset and walk away, and while I do so, I’ll be saying my signature line ‘whatever you say’; yea that should get you even more pissed”.

I don’t know, maybe I’m being too ‘emotional’ due to hormonal changes. Maybe I’m just tired of being walked all over or taken advantage of. I don’t know about anyone else but if someone takes things from me without  asking then wait till I find out about it and expects me to be okay about it is obviously crazy. I’ve always had trust issues; not allowing anyone get too close to me. I used to be the type that gave their last until I realized I was being taken advantage of. Now I have to pretty much put my things up or hide them altogether. I can’t have money, computer parts, consoles, hand-helds etc to myself and if I say no then I’m the ‘asshole’.

Call me all the names you can muster; until you turn blue in the face. I don’t care. The only thing that matters now is having a healthy pregnancy and I won’t have that some place where there isn’t any food or anyone who can help me get things from the store so I won’t fall on my ass walking 10 blocks to the nearest store.

I have a good friend who told me that things will get better. It seemed like every time he said that to me things just got worse. I don’t know what to do or to think right now. I just know that I’m tired, been so for 17 years. Looks to me, I’m going to have to be dead to get a piece of mind. Why I survived those 7 car accidents, cancer scares, being jumped, thrown across a room due to frustration by a enraged man that is my brother amongst various mental abuses on so many occasions I don’t have the foggiest. I do know that life isn’t always going to be like this for me. It’s going to be a month where I can bear to look at myself in the mirror and like what’s looking back at me. I’m going to get solitude if I have to leave Ohio and never look back.

I’m so close to just walking away from everything now. I’m almost pushed to my limit once again. I’m almost ready to give up on living once again. I’ll just have to look at my ultra-sound pictures and feel his kicks and jabs to keep from making a noose and sliding it around my neck hoping this time someone don’t walk in on me.

I didn’t walk and fall on my ass today for me, I didn’t risk getting sick again for me. I did it for my unborn son. The only thing that’s keeping me going. the only reason why I wake up in the morning. He needs food not me, he needs a stress-free environment, not me. Too bad you don’t see it that way and for that, you can kindly and swiftly find you a spot in whatever hell you believe in.

I apologize for my colorful language but I honestly don’t give a rats ass any more. Damn what anyone thinks of me too.

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