The End

Even when it’s not my fault it’s my fault. When I don’t settle for things others would sit back and watch themselves get mentally beaten over, I speak up. Seems that speaking up and voicing out my emotions is a recipe for things to go downhill. I’m pretty much getting ridiculed and scrutinized for being Asilee. I can’t change overnight but people expect me to. I get hung-up on, I get the back-turns and the luxury to watch people pack their things without saying a word and leave.

Reminds me of my ex, his name was Markiss. He decided that talking things out whether the results of it turned out good or bad was not something he could do. So without a word, he packs his things up; even takes a few of my things and leaves. This was February 23rd 2007. I vowed at first to never get into another relationship then realized that’s a feat even Superman couldn’t commit to. I blamed myself for that for the next few months, I cried, contemplated suicide on many occasions. Then one day, I woke up and I didn’t even know why I was balled up in my bed with tissues strewn all over my room. I felt like I was dreaming and what happened was all in my brain. Or so I thought. Ever since then I’ve had trust issues beyond anyone’s understanding.

I siked myself up for a while after that; trying to become this woman who didn’t let something like that affect her. I had this façade that I was a strong black woman who knew how to jump back from heartache. Who knew that it wasn’t the end of the world and she can trust again. Sadly, all it did was get worse from there. I didn’t realize how much pain I was in until I sat and thought about what I put into the relationship. I did something in that relationship I never thought I could. I bent over backwards for him, bought him gifts, kissed and hugged him goodbye before work. I made compromises; I felt I would die for him if need be. I stayed up with him when he couldn’t sleep. We would lay in the bed and talk about our past relationships, our fears, our goals, our future. I gave everything I could in that relationship. I was hellbent on making a change in how I did things. He could have asked for the skin off my back and I would have said “how big of a piece?” After that relationship I naïvely became this person that was the total opposite of what I was before. I tried my best to erase that person and I did a good job at it sadly.

Then someone comes along one day in a bus stop and over a short period of time falls in love with me. He disappears for a while because of some little lie I supposedly made. Which is cruel irony in fact because with that he had no room to get mad at me for getting mad at him about lying to me about something little [I'll get to that in a minute]. Anyway, he shows up again March of 2010. He wants me back but I know what I’ve become. I know I’m still a mentally battered and bruised woman who can’t even remember what love is or was. The whole time I’m trying to convince this man in every way possible that he’s making a mistake. He doesn’t listen of course and we do a little dance for a while. By March 23rd we’re back together and he’s so much in love with me all over again; just like that.

Things have been rocky from the beginning. I’m the asshole and unapologetic. I’ve said things but didn’t care about no ones feelings. I’ve even tried toning that down but when you have someone who hasn’t had so much as a little anger management in 14-15 years. It’s really hard to take into consideration someone else feelings. I look at it like “you know how I am, so you did this to yourself”. I don’t make anyone stay with or around me, how could I?

I see this person who could have had anyone he wanted but he wanted me. He wanted to be with someone who obviously have so many things going wrong with her. It’s not like I didn’t try to get him to see that.

I feel trapped and ready to snap. What I’ve been doing these past months is trying to keep my feelings from being too open to anyone. So when I feel like I’ve got in too close, I push away.

Well anyway, about my situation that I said I was going to mention later. Yesterday I wanted to spend time with him because he was on the computer all day doing nothing while I’m a ft away from him. So I suggested we watch a movie. He put on a movie we both liked a lot. He knows I hate when people sit there and word every part of the movie. So I ask him to stop, he said he can’t help it, it’s his favorite movie. I got annoyed and let it go for a while then tell him again, but he does it again. I get up and say, “forget it, we’ll just have to watch a movie we both haven’t seen”. Mind you when I got up he grabs my arm and say ok, I promise I won’t do it.

Why do I have to get upset for people to listen to me? I’ll never get the answer to that question. Why do I have to be an ass for people to respond the way I want them to? It’s always been like that for me, even when I was a kid.

Okay, today it may have been petty but a lie is a lie. & I felt he was taking advantage of me. It was over him and my Xbox 360. He said he was downloading 4 games, on my 120GB HDD but it turned out to be 9 then 4 more then 4 more after that. I get upset because I felt like he took advantage of me and lied to me. I don’t care how little the lie is, don’t lie to me. I have really bad trust issues and so does he. But he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. So he begins to pack his stuff up after 30 minutes. He obviously either text someone when he was still sitting on the couch or he called someone when he went downstairs. I’m sitting there looking like this is Deja Vu all over again. He doesn’t speak or anything. Never mind telling me that he’s going home. Just let me sit there and watch you pack your stuff and put 2 and 2 together.

Mind you, it’s been 30 minutes since the fiasco with the 360 went down. I’ve been calmed down and started watching CSI: Miami and my other shows. He doesn’t turn around and discuss anything with me. He just decides that I need space. No I feel that was just his excuse to get out of there to go smoke and drink.

He said he don’t like to ‘argue’ if I’m arguing with him then I’m arguing with a brick wall. How is things going to get out in the open air if we both don’t talk? All he says is “whatever you say” or “ok”. How would he like it if I dismissed him that way? Nothing will be solved. We would both be sitting there mad about the situation if we just shut up and just dismissed it. He constantly says I wait til I bottle it up to say something but when I do come forward the moment it happens, I’m the asshole. Believe it or not, I feel like its my fault.

Regardless of that fact, a relationship is not healthy is everything wrong with the relationship is pretty much disregarded just because one person doesn’t like confrontations or conflicts. Don’t get in a relationship if you can’t handle everything that comes with one.

What really got to me is he wait til he gets all the way back on the side of town to open up a can of worms. He calls me to ask me am I alright. I was alright 5 minutes after the mess went down but he took it upon himself to leave. He said he was going to be here for me and the baby. He doing all of this not realizing how selfish he’s looking now. He’s hurting himself in the long-run. He wants to marry me and we get our own place. What’s going to happen then? He’s going to leave every time I get flippant? Well wait, none of that is even going down any more to begin with. As far as I’m concerned, there is no relationship.

He’s depressed, I’m depressed. I’m actually trying to see someone about my issues but he doesn’t see that. He only see and hear what he wants to. It kills me when people don’t take the time to notice the little things and then assume they know the person. He was all I had and now I have no one but my son which in fact is enough. This the third and the last time I cry about him. I’m not letting it happen anymore. I tried looking at the brighter side like my case worker suggested but I couldn’t. All I see was his back and his arms moving to shove his things in a bag and walking out the door.

So here you go Adam, here is your first and last blog about you. I’m still waiting on you to find the other one I made about you; because I can’t seem to find it any where.