Goodbye 2010

As I mentally and emotionally wave goodbye to last year, I can’t help but think about how crazy 2010 was. A lot of crazy things as well as good things happened last year. That’s probably why 2010 felt so long for me because of what I’ve been through. At the beginning of 2010 my last car accident that had the right side of my body messed was still fresh in mind from 2009. Besides that I went through a crazy break-up that left me walled and closed up; I pretty much lashed out at anyone who got close. The miscarriage of November of 2009 didn’t do much for how I felt about life either. Which makes my pregnancy now so very emotional.

It just seems things are always going to go wrong for me. I got a scare last month. One of my Midwives called and told me that there were “abnormalities” in my blood work and that I should call the genetics department to get a ultrasound for Down Syndrome before I get the amniocentesis. Well that was on the 21 my appointment for that was on the 29th. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with my son on the ultrasound. I had 3 doctors in the room and they all suggested that I come back in 3 weeks when I’m further along to get another ultrasound; that’s going to last another hour. I feel that my baby is going to be fine and I won’t get any necessary poking of needles unless they find something wrong with him.

I didn’t make any new year’s resolution; never have never will. I believe that resolutions are for people who think they need to make one. They could had made a resolution all that year. They could have gotten pissy drunk at the last day of every month as well. Why wait til the end of the year to do something you could have been done? Excuses, that’s why.

I must say that I happy and surprised I have so many people supporting me with this pregnancy. The only person that I probably shouldn’t care less about is my mom. She came over today because it’s her birthday. She wanted to be gassed up that it was her birthday. She then gone get upset that I or no one else wished her a happy birthday. She didn’t wish me a happy birthday and she sure as hell haven’t asked how her grandchild is doing. I caught wind that she only shows up when she wants something. I also think she was expecting money in her birthday card like she was 17 or something. It’s sad that all she can do is think about herself. That shouldn’t even be new to me or bother me but I can’t help but be shocked at how little change she has made with her life. She thought going to school was going to make me see her in a different light. She’s still drinking and she hates me even more. I don’t understand why she does but she do. Probably because I’m succeeding at everything she failed at and she only has herself to blame for that. She always want ME to call her and for ME to contact her. Why can’t she call ME and contact ME? She knows my cellphone number as well as my Facebook page. She’s not even trying to reach out to her first daughter. Instead of being a mother, she’s being the bitch that had 5 children and didn’t give a damn about. Well it seems like the only one she don’t give a damn about is me now. I guess that’s cool. I don’t need her, I never asked her for anything and never will. I’m not even gone ask her to be at the hospital come June 9th. She’s not about to be tanked; smelling like a brewery, making everyone around her sick.

Anyway, enough of her. I’m 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant as of the date of this blog. I’ve gained some weight but I feel I should have gained more weight. I don’t like how I lost an inch of my height though; I was 5’8 and 3/4 now I’m 5’7″ and 3/4. That sucks. Although, when I think about it, I don’t care. As long as my baby is healthy, I can lose 3 more inches off my height. As far as the first trimester, I just got bigger and swollen breast and some nausea. I got the up-side to morning sickness. I just couldn’t smell anything or watch food commercials. Now, I’m craving pizza and pasta all the time but I’m trying to eat healthier because I know I can’t just eat that. It’s just so hard when everything else I try to eat I have to force myself to eat it because I don’t have a taste for it. Wait, I love scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, and orange juice. I’ve never been a breakfast eater but for some reason now, I believe I can eat that around the clock. That and salad.

Guess I’ll see Adam tomorrow. I have to stop thinking he’s going to show up when he say he is and he don’t. I’m the one left feeling and looking like a dumb ass when he don’t show up. Eh, it could be worse I guess. I could have a baby father who don’t give a damn.

Last year was rough for me besides the things mentioned. I was in college but had to drop out for reasons I won’t mention here. At the end of last year my grandmother lost her sister and son in a week. I lost an Aunt and my favorite Uncle. That still bothered me for a while, that changed how I looked at life just a little. It made me realize how strong my grandmother is as well. So when she’s skeptical about being around long enough to see her great-grandson born I don’t even entertain that thought. Of course life’s a mother and it’s no guess that people can drop when you least expect it. I just got that feeling that my grandmother is going to be here to see her great-grandson.

I lost a cousin last year as well. We were close but not close enough to shed a tear for. He wasn’t blood related either, he was just someone I called my cousin. He looked like one of my cousins from Cali now that I think about it. Well he wasn’t up here when he passed away, he moved down South a couple of years ago and we lost contact. I’m kind of sorry that we did. I’ve lost so much last year and the year before that sometimes I still dwell on that and neglect the things I’ve gained. Maybe that will change as time passes.

All in all, I felt defeated, depressed, tired, emotionally battered mostly all throughout 2010 and I’m just glad that year is over and hopefully this year will be different.

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