A Relationship That Should of Never Been…

Where should I begin? The beginning is a bit too far but I guess I could start there. Before I do, I would just like to note that life, love, living is what you make it. Whether if its with a companion or alone, its your choice on how it ends.

I met Cedric on a social networking site, I had just moved back in at my grandmothers place because she needed help with her grand kids. I haven’t been on that site in 2 years before I had moved out so I decided to see if the site was still up and running, and it was. I was 19 at the time and being that he was 25 or 26 then he seemed younger than that. We talked online for a while, its a blur who started talking to who first, anyway we talked on the site for a while then migrated to Yahoo Messenger then gradually we started talking on the phone. We got up to the point to where we decided that we should finally meet up some where, at this time we weren’t together because I don’t believe in internet relationships. So, we set up a day and I met him downtown except I didn’t get to see him, I waited for a good hour or so and decided to get on the bus and go home. So an hour after I get home Ced messages me on Yahoo Messenger asking where was I, I told him I was in front of Tower City and I hopped on the #6 when I thought you weren’t coming. He then began asking me was that me who got on the bus when he was getting off? He mentioned the pink Nikes I had on and I then began to say yea, so we set up another day and this time he came and picked me up, I thought it was really cute at the time. So we’re on the #8 bus heading downtown and he’s looking at me asking all these questions on the bus like they couldn’t wait til we got to his place. Mind you, when I saw him in his pictures, he looked a lot taller but when he finally came to pick me up all of that changed. I thought he was one of my younger sisters friends coming to see them but it was him. I was light way embarrassed because of that.

Anyway, we get to his place and he grabs my bags and hooked up my Nintendo GameCube that he decided that we should play. We made it more interesting by making it a strip game, the rules were simple, for every race we did who ever lost had to strip off a piece of clothing. Well I was winning but Ced was making up all of these new rules the whole time so we dismissed that idea and decide to go in his room and watch the movie Life. I had a few drinks around this time so after me being intoxicated I don’t really remember what happened. That following morning I had a hangover and my stomach was upset I kept vomiting so he suggested I take a shower cause my pores were just reeking Aboslut Apeach Vodka so I hopped in the shower and he suggested I drink some water, well it was making me sick so I drink it anyway and decided it was time for me to head home, he wanted to walk me to the elevator but when we hit the corner right where the elevator was I said, “I think I got to throw up…” then I threw up and we headed back to his apartment. I was feeling great then, but I wanted to clean that mess up that I left in the hallway but Ced insisted that I just head home and that he will get the janitor to clean it up. So I finally leave and made it home with my GameCube and I decided to take a nap. At this point, I didn’t know what to think, my head was hurting so I couldn’t think too much but I don’t know what he thought of me, I mean that was my first time meeting someone off of a website like that and you know first impressions are everything. That whole time though I really wanted to remember the night before but never could, it kind of frustrated me that I would get that loose like that. Even though there was some things going on with at that time and I needed an excuse to get away from it all but I was expecting to do that in the comfort of my own home.

I thought Ced was adorable and really funny, even though I couldn’t remember most of the night after I got drunk, I had a pretty good time. Well as time progressed we became a thing and he made me happy and I guess I made him happy. I believe at one point we were in love, I mean it were times where I didn’t want to go home or there were times where I just wanted to be around him, I missed him a lot and we told each other we loved each other a lot. My life was okay at this time, it was the end of 2006 and I really thought I was going to bring in the new year on a good foot and I did for a minute.

After we got comfortable with each other, that’s when the arguing started. Its February of 2007 and I’m arguing with him and the fact that he’s still on that site. He would just say he on there for entertainment and such but I knew better, or maybe I was just paranoid. I mean the arguing would just make me unreasonable decisions and a few of them were me leaving him. Well I had gotten enough of him around Spring and decided to call it quits and I left him and started messing with someone else April and May but that didn’t last long and I was with someone else in June, that relationship lasted a good 7 months. To this day I still don’t understand what I saw in that fool but I’m glad he dumped me like he did. Shows me that there are cowardly, pitiful, sad men out there and that was just a lesson I needed to learn. I was hurt about that for a while but I got over it. Ced was in and out of the picture towards the end of the relationship I was having with someone else. Well when it was over we began talking again and I kept leaving him because it felt like I was wasting my time with him, It was like how it used to be.

Its 2008 at this time and things have gotten worse for me as far as family and my health was concerned. I was ready to commit suicide but I don’t know what kept me from doing it, I was so ready to just end it. Now that I think about it, I don’t recall why I wanted to end my life, I just hope I never feel like that ever again. I mean its been like that for 18-19 years, I thought I was over thinking about death. Anyway, my family as being a royal pain to me and was giving me such a problem I just wanted to get away from it all. I think at this time I was talking to Ced yet again and I was just being to myself and just hanging with a few of my male friends. Well, I cut them loose as soon as I got back with Ced. Anyway, I was bringing in 2009 on a sour foot but I had Ced there with me in my mind because yet again I broke up with him just to want him back. Around October or November of 2008 my grandmother decided to kick me out and to have the police do it as a bonus. I had just left Ced again and when I had moved back in with my grandmother it was like she didn’t want me to and I didn’t know why I didn’t keep entertaining that idea that she didn’t but I ignored it. Well after 2 weeks she had decided to kick me out so I had the police drop me off at Ced’s house, at this point I’m so angry with myself I just began crying. Ced was in the other room knocked out so I tried to keep it down. What is so interesting about Ced is that when I’m sad he have this vibe or body language as if he don’t know what to do, when my best friend died I could feel that he felt really awkward standing there rubbing my back. I just wanted to hug and just cry on his shoulder but then I just felt that would just make the awkward feeling a lot worse and I didn’t want to do that.

Well from that point on to now we’ve been together since. I haven’t broken up with him, we still argue but not a lot, I mean what relationship don’t have arguments? During this whole time, I just tried to focus on making him happy cause I pictured how he would be before he even met me and he seemed like he was alone with only his friends to come by and break his shit or have someone rob him. I seriously just wanted to be there for him and I still do, I honestly don’t want to lose him. When that shooting happened here in this building I didn’t know what to do, I was just thinking about the worse case scenario that afternoon and that made it worse, I was so scared and I just knew if he was killed or hurt I would never get over that. He may not realize it but I really love him more than he will ever know. We don’t tell each other we love each other any more but I think we need to. I’m not going any where and neither is he, I’m going to be there for him even if this relationship don’t work out. It just feels like, I’m the only one that would, could, will put him and his bullshit I guess. I don’t know how else to put it but its not bad bullshit its Ced bullshit…lol. I mean he’s him and and someone sane or some what sane wouldn’t be able to tolerate his behind. He don’t have to worry about being alone any more he has me to piss off and then five minutes later make me laugh. In all my years on this Earth, he is the only one that I can just get made for 2 minutes and just be okay after that. I can never stay mad at him, I never been the one to hold grudges but they usually last longer than 5-6 minutes, I just cannot stay mad at him. That’s probably why I kept coming back to him. Its not that I enjoyed what he was doing to make me leave even though I think it was just me being over emotional, it was because I could actually say I love him and meant it.

He always tried to make me happy but I guess I was used to not being happy I didn’t know what made me happy any more, I was too focused on trying to make him happy but he always told me to not worry about him and that he will be okay. If I would of listened to him, I wouldn’t be here right now. Even though I make fun of his height, I love all 5’5″ of him and I hope he knows that I adore his high-yellow behind. Even though he tried to kill my stuffed dog when I first met him…even my ex tried to kill him so I just gave it to my grandmother. I didn’t like red, neither does Ced, and neither did that horrid ex of mine so I guess that was a sign to get rid of it. Here’s a picture of him in the act…

For a minute I was convinced when he said that we were too alike for the relationship to work, well I beg to differ. We may have some things about us that are the same but we are totally different in so many ways.

Another thing, he’s a Christian, I’m an Atheist. I don’t have a problem at all with his religion and he don’t care about my anti-religion. That’s just one of the things we can agree on, a religion doesn’t make a relationship stronger. I’m living proof that it doesn’t, it doesn’t make it stronger or weaker. It depends on the person and what they believe or don’t believe in. Anyway, I’ve said some hateful and cruel things to him and about him over the years. I just hope he know I’m sorry and I didn’t mean any of that shit I said. He knows I say shit when I’m angry regardless of what people say about what people say when they’re angry. He pisses me off cause I love him, I wouldn’t get so angry with him if I didn’t love him. He’s crazy though to want me to give him 3 girls and 5 boys. I want all boys but he wants 3 girls, I mean I can understand why though but that’s something I’m not going to mention in this blog. All in all this relationship should of never been one but I’m glad it did and I’m happy/grateful that he’s in my life. He’s exactly what I need to have a reason to wake up in the morning.