What to do when your heart wants to stand up and scream but your mind won’t let you?

I have this feeling inside of me at times that makes me want to scream. There is a good 21 years worth of things bottled up inside and I have yet to find that one to actually tell them to. I haven’t cried in years. I think I was 15 or 16 the last time  I cried. I mean really cry like just let it all out, real big crocodile tears but now, it feels like I need to scream and I don’t understand why. I mean, why now? I’ve been holding it in all of this time and I’ve been fine with that, now I have this urge to want to scream and cry about things I didn’t shed a tear for not once. It isn’t anything I’m guilty of or regret is just that, really bad things has happened to me in so many ways and I don’t know where to begin.

I keep picturing myself in the middle of a crowded room screaming until I can no longer care that people are staring. I want to cry so bad it makes me sick sometimes, the thing with that is I don’t know how to cry any more. Its been so long, I don’t have a clue to how to cry or to shed one tear. I don’t have a family at all, its just me and my boyfriend. My best friend is dead, he died on his way to come pick me up last year and someone hit him. When that happened it took a good 72 hours for it to sink in, I didn’t know what to do with myself, I cried a little that day but I stopped and after that day I didn’t shed not one tear, I got over it so fast its like I never had a best friend that died. Its been like that since I can remember. When something tragic happens its only tragic for 24 hours or so and then I’m over it. Some call me heartless because of that, others call me pathetic, a lot of people call me cruel but that isn’t my fault I don’t know how to react or handle pain.

I got so many things on my chest I want to let go but I’m so scared to because it’ll feel like I’m betraying myself; I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t open up to anyone being that they wouldn’t understand also because I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I have this barrier up and I fear it will never come down for as long as I shall live, I don’t think I want it to. A lot would argue that this crap I’m going through isn’t healthy but I believe holding all of this pain in is keeping me sane, keeping me from going into a screaming rage. I know if I ever get that chance to truly scream or cry like I want, I won’t be able to stop.

Everyday I wake up and every night before I go to sleep I want to scream and cry, cry and scream. I just want someone to listen to me for once without a single judgmental thing to say to me. I’m so sick of psychiatrists just sitting there nodding their heads and handing me anti-depressants, I don’t want that any more, I want my best friend back, I want to be able to sit and talk it out without someone trying to butt in telling me my emotions are wrong.

I’ve always believed strongly in my heart that crying was a sign of weakness being that I was raised by people who used abuse to keep me from having my own mind. Not once have I’ve fallen and cried was there someone to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay. Not once have I lost someone and it hurt me so much that I wanted to stay in my room and cry till I died was there someone there to hug me and tell me It’ll will get better. Not once did ever I know what affectionate was. As a child and well into my teens I was forced to suck it up and get over it, I was made to act as if crying was a sign of me being a weakling. They would make fun of me when I cried, laugh, mock, pry at me me for being someone with feelings. Now that I’m older I can still hear them make fun of me when they laughed and mocked me, I cannot even think about crying and I can hear them standing around me pointing at me laughing. Now, I’m always on the defensive, I don’t let anyone try and be affectionate towards me. I don’t like hugging because I feel that I’m weak if I show someone I care about them.

I know how to get mad easier than anything else, I know how to just have my guard up and be on the defensive all of the time. I keep trying to put in my head that my family doesn’t control me any more, they can’t make me feel bad for showing emotions but it doesn’t work. I feel trapped within my own emotions and I feel like I have no way of getting away from them. I want to be able to say I love you to someone without feeling awkward, I want to be able to hug someone without hearing my family scream at me, “stop being weak you fool, we don’t hug people around here”, I want to break out of what my family has done to me but before all of that I want to just scream and cry and I don’t even care If I don’t have a reason to do so, I just want to be free of what my family has done to me and I feel the only way I can do that is to just scream and cry.