Why even bother?
Here’s the story…
Its not like I don’t try and communicate with my boyfriend, its not like I don’t try numerous times. I’ve tried so much to the point that I’ve lost all hope. I don’t know whats keeping me around but my gut is just telling me to be patient and wait. I have no clue to what I’m waiting on but I hope its good for once. Honestly, talking to him is like talking to someone who knows EVERYTHING! I know that isn’t possible but that’s what it feels like. It makes me feel dumb; and the way he ask me what I said its like he making sure I know what I said. Like I’m not sure I said what I said correctly. Why is it that way? Why do I feel that all I am to him is something to have around til his “best friend” come back into his life? Why do it feel like I have to compete with her?
She has all the glory while I gets none. He too busy gawking over her and he’s neglecting me. He has her pictures up but when I say something about it, it goes down and some random picture goes up. Why don’t he want people to know he’s with someone? Am I really that naive? Its like “well as long as I know and you know that we’re together, that’s all who needs to know.” Why does it have to be that way? I see people all the time post pictures of their “girl friend” every where and they love them but when it comes to me, its like “I’m too ashamed to broadcast her”. Am I some plague or something? Why do I have to be second best? How can someone sit and say they love me and treat me the way they do?
When he tries to do what he do besides, poking me, threatening me, calling me names or whatever people do to annoy them, I don’t know how to respond. I’m so used to telling him to shut up or get away from me or stop touching me cause its like he don’t realize I’m not some play thing. I’m hurting all the fucking time, yea I can wrestle or play around but that’s on my good days, I barely have any of those. Why can’t I get the hugs and all the other shit? Why can’t it be like that? Why do it has to be where he has to joke around and mess with me all the time to show his affectionate side? This is why I tell him to go away or leave me alone cause he don’t know how to fucking be affectionate for once.
I can’t talk to him or anything its like it turns into an argument cause he always try to correct me. I can’t express shit around him unless I’m about to explode. I don’t know if this what they call “abuse” but this is doing me no good. He make it feel like coming to him is like telling red to stop being red and be yellow or something. Its like “you know I don’t care or even bother to care cause you know once you calm down, I’m going to go back to the way I were before you tried to bite my head off.” He don’t understand why I’m not coming to him cause he don’t care. I just lost my best friend and right then it felt like he didn’t care.
I never been in a relationship where I had to constantly tell my boyfriend about himself or argue with him about shit he suppose to know already. I didn’t have to go through this shit. I never in my life have felt like this and I’ve gone through SO MUCH shit. I wish I can walk away but I have nothing to walk away to.
Again I feel like I’m the one wrong, and its not fair. I feel trapped in my own skin like no one loves me or care for me and that they all out to hurt me. Its sad cause I have to turn to friends to make me feel special or to post my picture up so I can feel like I’m someone who is loved for once. I seriously feel that I’m just something to fill the void until his “best friend” comes back from where ever the fuck she’s at.
I just wish I was that special person in someones life for once. I don’t ask for much from anyone, this nice shit isn’t getting me very far at all. People keep telling me to not change who I am; well if being who I am results in me being used, neglected, hurt, lost, second best then fuck being me. I feel like a dunce all the fucking time around him. I don’t even like opening my mouth for the sake of feeling stupid after wards. I swear I don’t understand him. I cannot what so ever be my true self around him cause he have this arrogance where what ever the fuck I do isn’t acceptable in his eyes. He don’t realize that what he do even when I tell him.
Posted on November 30, 2008, in Relationshipss and tagged boyfriend, neglect, relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.
Communication is important for any relationship, but if the other person does not want to listen,then its just a waste of time. If he really love you he listens,because he cares about what you saying but if he doesnt listen he does give a damn about you. And may be its time for you move on.
wow I didnt mean to take over your page , lol , oh and you dont know me as Lewis but you do know me as Lewis , but you definitely can call me Lewis and we can still make beautiful graphiqz together if he doesnt get his act together , your pretty deep and got dammm I’m a sucker for a talented women that has alot of love in her and really wants to be love , shiiid I want the samething . UMM did I just put my bid in , ummm not really , lol , but I think that It’s important for you to know that alot of guys would love to have a women with all that love in her and your very pretty , judging from the 1 or 2 black n whit pictures I’ve seen of you
anyway ummm the world aint ready for you to leave I myself bairly know you but I would be deeply effected if anything was to happen to you . So cheer up do I like have to come there and like give you a hug cause I will . I will cut your picture out in the shape of a heart and like tape it to my chest 
You are right Lewis, I would love to have a woman like Lee or to even meet Lee would be nice. Communication is the most important in any relationship, especially a deep relationship between lovers.
I’m always amazed every time I read anything that you have written . You always write with such emotion . Well since I’m a guy I will first give you some insight as to some of the difference in male and female . Yes were from the same planet but were so different in the way we think at different times in our life . First off we take many more years to grow and mature compared to women , shiid like we really dont grow up till about mid 30′s therefore since we take so long to figure out what we want and who we want we dont really know how to care or love like some women might need us to . I had a girlfriend who i met when she was like 19 i was 25 . I was married when I met her but I have to say I knew that I wanted her the first 15 minutes we were together . We were togethe 7 years . But during those 7years I learn alot about women and watching them grow . I may have learn more about myself durring that time periond also . Even though I love the hell out of her and did alot of the big things and little things in a relationship . I could have paid more attention to her emotional needs . She didn’t have the ruffest childhood but her father leaving the family and not ever speaking to her , had a very big impact on her state of emotion . She would have a friend of the family track down his wareabouts from various states periodicly and he would not only not talk to her but he would move again to a different state to avoid her and her brothers , but anyway it had a big impact on her . My point is that she would feel like when she talk to me she would feel like I was always correcting her and that I thought I new everything . I would listen to her and no matter how I put it , it always came out as if i knew it all . I love her I would only be tring to help . when I look back at it and when we talk now about our past relationship she has to admit that I was very caring , loving , everyday but emotionally we were in two different state of mind . Let me say this to clearify . Wome are goverened by there emotion early in life and maybe thereafter . Men are goverened by sex , we are very visual . Everything we do it is mostly to obtain sex or hell just have beautiful women around us , also we want what we cant have . When I think about my past relationships there are a few that I say damm why didnt I keep her she really loved me . We live and we learn . I could go on for hours on the subject of men and women and relationships . I dont know if this helps exspecially since I feel that I would have to really go deeper and do alot of typing to exspress my opion that I’m tring to convey . I didnt really want to go on and on for fear that you would not even read it , lol , . Oh and yeah I’m mister nice guy so I know exactly what you mean when you say this nice shit dont get you anywhere . I too thought that if i just continue to be me that it will work it’s self out . Ummm in this world the real world you just get worked over being the nice guy and played , but its kinda hard to complain because god does give you a couple nice people that come your way and we never want them as much as the one that treats you bad . We want what we cant have .
Communication is important in any relationship. Why talk if he’s not going to understand? In my experienced, I talked to be understand. He may not understand what you said in the time you were talking. But for sure he gonna think of what you said after you talked or after a few days.
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