Asilee.com

Yes, my name is Asilee. & This specific blog is about me. Take it how you want but I could care less about that. Judge me according to how you take it, I could care less about that too. Be entertained, ashamed, bored, that too I could care less about. Yea, it seems as if I’m a careless person; nah I just don’t care about things that’s not in my control. Some that is in my control I can/could careless about too. Anyway, the reason for this blog is to make a rough draft of myself. I don’t know if that’s understandable but I’m trying to really know who I am; and if I just sit here and type it all out and read it back to myself, I can get a better understanding of myself. Any who onto blogging!

My Emotions

Are most of the time not there or bottled up until I catch myself getting angry. I only know two or three emotions; anger, mad, and maybe happiness. Happiness only comes to me when I’m not having a bi-polar problem. See, I don’t take medicine for my bi-polarness and only a select few know about it. My family doesn’t know about it cause I could care less about them [more about them later]. Any way, the emotions that come along with my body & soul aren’t there. I have reasons why but that will make look bitter to society right? Right.

The Family

If its legal to call them that. My family are brutal, hurtful, evil, conniving beings. They treated me like the outcast more so because I liked when things were quiet and didn’t like drama. I spoke what I felt and I didn’t bite my tongue. I’m honest and they hate that. As I grew older and the abuse was less often but still present; I realized, that’s all I knew was anger, evilness, hatred, distrust. I didn’t trust anyone, I didn’t want to be around folks, I couldn’t stand my family. Even though my mom couldn’t let go of the 40 for 9 months and decided Alcohol Fetal Syndrome doesn’t exist, I’m still smart and shit [I'll speak more of that later]. Besides them stealing from me, lying to me, hurting me, using me; I decided to be there for them. I even sacrificed my own place, job and privacy just so I can take care of the family that hate me so much.

My Personality

I don’t think I have a stable one. I have a anger issue, plus bi-polar, I’m a loner and large amount of folks around me causes me to be paranoid and itchy [My grandmother has put in my head for 21 yrs that someone is out to kill me]. I rather bottle my feelings up inside and let them sit. I don’t like conflicts and I try to avoid them. I’m the “don’t fuck with me and I won’t fuck with you” type person. I don’t like being around loud, obnoxious, gutter-rat individuals. I don’t think I have a jealousy issue but I do have an affectionate issue. I don’t know what that is or how to express it. I never knew what it was til my first relationship. Now its like, if they gone talk down on me and pick on me and still call me their “girlfriend”. I guess I can do the same. I can be blunt as hell and very mean cause of the way people treat me/have treated me. I have this I don’t care attitude on top of that I have this i don’t care what you think about “MY” attitude, attitude. Anyway, enough about my personality, I come back and finish that later.

My Relationship(s)

I’ve never been the type for attention. But recently, these last few yrs with these relationships makes me want it more. When it isn’t negative I enjoy it. It just seems as if now people just use me and treat me like shit just cause they have “best friends” its like I’m not an equal to their “best friends”. I wouldn’t treat them that way but they seem to do it to me. Why can I be the person you miss or would do anything for? Why I have to be second best? Just cause the broad is your best friend doesn’t mean you treat me like yr old tennis shoes. Throwing me on the back burner like some greens. I was in one great relationship but he passed. I miss him so much, he showed he loved me and told me so, he cared about me and tried his best. He excepted me for who I was and he spent time with me. He didn’t run to a computer just because I was busying myself with games or some shit. He would sit there and keep me company. There was never a dull moment. Now its like, i feel like a lame or nagging bitch because I’m being  treated like shit. Literally, I’m not over exaggerating this boyfriend of mine, he says he don’t know how to make me happy; but he sure in the hell do know how to make feel like an idiot, worthless, or second best. Well if that’s the case like I said before, go date that best friend broad if you’re gone treat her like a queen and I’m the maid. I feel like I’m just something to have around until his best friend comes back or whatever. Well I can’t wait til I get on my two feet and I’m out of here.

My Talents

I’m very multi-talented, and here I am limited to “work experience” pricks whose picky about the little bullshit. I am capable of doing so many things. My grandmother kept me imprisoned in that jail of a home for 19 yrs I was only able to get 2 jobs. She made me stop one because she was basically mad that I was making money and not giving her anything. If she wouldn’t of taken everything from me, or had me going to school looking like a bum; I wouldn’t feel like I never had anything. Here I am 21 and I still don’t have anything. Not even the feeling of trust for my significant other. I could care less about that though; he don’t give a fuck enough about me to care if I trust him or not.

Self-esteem

I have none. My family took that privilege away from me at a VERY young age. I was 7 yrs old blaming everyone cause they made me this damn ugly. I manage to get a little as I’ve grown older but being around this sex, nude, ass, titty, female, fiend it all diminished cause again I feel like the person he only deals with when he see fit. I feel so damn retarded, like I need to go blow my brains out. I’ve tried suicide so many times but people always seem to catch me. I hated that. I just gave up, I figured I guess living isn’t all that bad, watching and see the looks on people faces before I even kill myself are priceless. [My sense of humor is "evil".]

Sex

Sex, I could live without it. Very seldom I get the urge to have sex. I don’t even masturbate. I at first never wanted kids and I kind of still feel that way. Kids are a waste of time, money, effort, space. I feel that the population is big enough, I have two other sisters who can keep the family going. I could care less if I die alone, let alone have kids. I don’t even care anymore if the dude I’m with in the future want kids. My response is going to be, “so what?” They get mad oh well, its more men where he came from.

Materialism

Is pointless, I’ve gone through so much shit that its ridiculous. Its cause I could care less about material things. I could care less about jewelry, cars, expensive gifts, designer labels. Like I’m going to appreciate a name of a pair of clothes because it cost so much. I could care less about shit like that. Its a waste of brain space. I have to save that room for other meaning shit.

Holidays

Honestly, I don’t celebrate them. I could care less about a Christmas, a Easter, a MLK Day, Presidents Day, etc etc. Those days are just like any other day just like my lame ass birthday [which there has been 20 lames ones]. I don’t buy gifts and I don’t bother asking folks what they want cause I know damn well I’m not going out my way to get it. So forget the Holidays. Its just one more reason for the death rate to go up and so people can get drunk and forget their actions or don’t remember them the next day.

Me Pt 2

I enjoy being who I am. I prefer those to who converse or spend time with me be themselves. I don’t like fake,  phony humans. Save that bullshit for Hollywood. I’m not judgmental and I haven’t judged a soul since the 4th grade. That too is waste-less brain space. That shit is pointless sitting there worrying and thinking about someone else lifestyle cause they’re insecure about theirs. Judgmental folks can kick rocks and kiss my ass too for a bonus.

My Health

My health varies. It used to be constant aches and pains and all types of other sickness when I was living with my family. Every other day or shit everyday there was always something wrong. I could/would go right outside and feel like a million bucks. Well anyway, I’ve been in 7 car accidents that only a few people know about and only 3 was brutal. They’ve almost cause me to be paralyzed, even though I’m still at risk I don’t really care. I’ve been diagnosed for Cancer twice, after my blood work come back it might be for the third time. Doctors can never get shit right sometimes. Again I can’t control that so I don’t care. There are a lot of other things wrong with me but its little shit. Like Chronic Insomnia, Bi-Polar, Eczema, Memory Loss, Alcohol Fetal Syndrome etc, etc.

My Bad Luck

It never seems to have a damn limit. Right when I think things are going to get better, that bitch Bad Luck come out the crevices just to fuck me over once more. Well fuck that bitch. I can’t find a job, my computer is about to die, my xbox 360 is toast but that’s material shit. Though it seems all this shit is  happening cause the real shit can’t get worse. Besides me getting kicked out cause my grandmother is money hungry; I got kicked out escorted by the police, why aren’t I special. That’s family for you, there when you need a kick in the ass. If that’s a family, than I rather have enemies. Which is another thing. Its people that don’t know my name but they know my sisters and they fucking hate my guts. I’ve even got jumped before cause they didn’t like who I was. Well, that’s life I guess.

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