Asilee.com

I’m at home on my computer cause even the thought of using that despicable computer of my “boyfriends” makes my stomach hurt. Yea, this is another thread about him. Its not going to many more of these.

This man‘s actions speak so much louder than words. Its not like he don’t know shit. Its not like I keep him in the dark about shit. He don’t care. He’ll get all gussied up to go to some funky ass comedy show but when we go out he just wash under his arms and put on something that he had on that following day or just say he ready. I mean even though we are just going to the movies. At least care enough about your appearance. I mean shit when I leave from here it look like I’m going some where important and all I’m doing is to go see him and to just sit in the apartment the whole day playing video games.

I was sitting at the bus stop thinking about so much shit it almost brought tears to my eyes. I’m sick of blogging this shit out. If he didn’t make it feel like telling him would be a waste of his time listening maybe I would tell him. If he didn’t make me feel like my feelings are something not worth getting so worked up over then maybe I would have enough courage to tell him about himself.

He makes me so damned angry. I never gotten this angry over anyone I’ve ever been with. This relationship is truly not meant to be. I pictured me telling him to his face that I can’t do it any more and that I’m not in love with him any more and just breaking into tears. I never almost cried or gotten this angry over any relationship. EVER.

Being there more often and around him made me see the person for who he really is. Yea yea he tries and what not but it don’t last. It only last when I say something and if I keep saying something. But no he don’t do it cause it hurts me, he only do it to fill the void. Yea he don’t got shit to call his own, no money, nothing to show for what he went to school for but I loved him anyway for the personality I thought I knew but I don’t any more. I don’t know who the fuck he is at all. I thought I didn’t know him before; well its beyond that. I never felt so much anger when I look at him.

He don’t compliment me or nothing, we don’t converse like adults. We don’t connect. Only on a lets call each other names and bash each other level. Not on an serious level, that shit don’t exist. If I was to say that to him, he would say either I would get mad or why don’t I say these things? It wouldn’t matter because he already got it set in his mind that he know me. Actually telling him the reasons why would fly right over his short ass. I don’t get angry all the time.

Lately though, he hasn’t been considering me. This feeling of neglect has a strong hold on me and yes he has been neglecting me this past week and this week.  I only see him so often now. Whats fucked up, I’M THERE! Not over here, but there. He’ll stay in the same room with me for five damned seconds but his love of his life, that sad, abuse, poor excuse for a computer beckons him every single minute that he’s around. I try to think of things to keep my mind occupied and what not, I try to do things to keep me from getting angry. I try so hard but I can’t deny the fact that this relationship is for the birds.

I put my all in the relationships I get in. Even when I have my doubts. I try helping out the best way I can. I try. He don’t realize what he has in front of him. He don’t care, he only trying to get in where he fit in. With his small ass, that’s every where. I can’t win, at all. Its either say something and get told you’re wrong in all types of ways but one. Or not say anything and feel worse than if you opened your mouth. I’m not the one to give up on things like this. Like he say I give up too easily. No the hell I don’t, I’m just sick of fighting for affection, attention, love. Cause he say it but I seriously don’t believe it. When I hear it, I hear, I hate you, I hurt you, I don’t love you. When I read it, its as blank as my face right now. The spark that once was in love with him is gone. I don’t even know if I just love him now.

He never even told me why he loves me or even want me around. I shake my head cause I’m realizing so much shit its sickening. I’m tired, the more I think about it, the more I’m so ready to give up & now that I’ve thought about it for the last two weeks or so. Its time to completely forget about him.