My “Mommy”

Well since people are very comfortable with judging people. I feel comfortable with blogging this.  So before you comment this saying that no one is perfect and that you should be happy that you have a mom and someones mom could be worse. Let me just say this, I can’t worry about no one else mom but mine. I’m not concerned about anyone else mom but mine. So fuck everyone’s mom right now but mine.

Okay anyway, my mom is only a woman with a title. I don’t know who she is except that she dropped out of college when she first got refund check and used it for alcohol and a VCR. She was a crack addict, started with my first youngest sister and ended with my youngest sister. Gave me and my brother alcohol fetal syndrome. I can’t remember numbers worth shit. He can’t read. I can read my ass off, he’s like a damn calculator. Even though my mom did all this to us, we’re still able to smart as fuck. The youngest out the 5 has graduated from high school or is going to graduate from high school with impressive ass grades. Anyway, my mom isn’t perfect and I seriously don’t believe she deserves that title. Anyone can mistakenly get pregnant and have kids. But it takes a woman like my grandmother to be a mom. I didn’t have the luxury of being the type that didn’t have to want for nothing. Yea, I was abused A LOT and have the scars as a reminder. Through all of that and even the fact my mom screwed my head over. I’m still me and people still seem to love me or like me. Not only is my name unique but people say I am too.

Out of 21 birthdays and Christmas‘s my mom has ruined 17 of them. I just don’t get her. She’s been to rehab over 250 times. Get out, wait a week and go back to drinking. Even when we even told her we didn’t like her drinking, she’ll sneak the shit in the house and do it anyway. Then in the same ass funky ass breath she’ll say she love us. Yea the fuck right…I’m with no faith as of right now. I don’t know if the abuse I’ve gotten as a child and all up til I was 18 has caused me to be more hostile than normal. Its a lot of things wrong with me but its only a problem when its provoked. I’m over emotional too. I just can’t seem to cry unless I’m truly pissed. When I’m sad its like I ignore that emotion. I’m aggressive. I’m not one of those type that’ll rub and hold you and shit or try to soothe you and shit. I rather just tell you to get the fuck over it and suck the shit up. But that shit is showing me that what they’ve done to me I’m doing to others and only cause of that is cause that’s all I knew.

Then I get these men in my life that lie to my face or half try and shit. Then on top of that half hear me. Swear up and down that I didn’t say or tell them half the shit I knew I told them. When I’m hurt or in pain, I remember that especially if I’m arguing with someone or if I’m upset and I tell someone something. But sometimes when it comes to remembering the good things; its a got damned blur. I can remember getting jumped clear as day faster than I can remember a wonderful day at the park. Its seems like I rather deal with abuse in a relationship too. Its not them abusing me in a sense, its me sticking around and letting shit I don’t like slip by all because I prefer giving people more than 3 chances. I used to hate when my mom tried to tell me things about a man. Like yea you was a prostitute and that’s how all 5 of us got here cause you needed a way to pay for your habit and all but don’t try to school me on shit when you couldn’t even help my grandmother take care of your own kids. You sat and watch your mother struggle with us. When all the hell you did was drink and get high. I still have that damn burn mark where your ass sat a cigarette on my leg. That shits still there. I’m only 9 months, in a raggedy ass apartment in the middle of the winter, I’m next to a open window in a crib while your ass is under a pile of blankets sleep. If it wasn’t for that man to take me from that building, no telling how more unstable I would be. I sometimes hate my mom but it don’t last long cause I’m not the type to hate folks. I don’t like using that word either. I seldom use it. But recently being in this relationship I’m in has caused me to use it a lot and it makes me wince every time I say it. Unlike how my family treat me…I started off as a piece of coal and as they kept fucking with me…I turned into a diamond with a lot of flaws. I can’t catch a break period. My mom is the root too all my agony. I look at her and look at me, only thing we got in common is we both have eczema and like salad. Everything else I wouldn’t even know, I don’t talk to her she don’t talk to me.

Affectionate was the word I was looking for earlier. I don’t know how to be that. I try but I feel weird like I shouldn’t be doing it.  Unlike my boyfriend, I do try and do make progress. Its just this affectionate shit, its a damn struggle cause I don’t know what to do about that.