Monthly Archives: October 2008
RTA HealthLine [Cleveland, Ohio]
A project that began nearly 50 years ago as a vision for stimulating economic growth and improving the quality of life in Northeast Ohio is now a reality.
The ribbon was officially cut today on the HealthLine, the nation’s first federally funded Bus Rapid Transit system. Cleveland sports legends Lenny Barker, Kevin Mack, and Campy Russell joined area youth athletes in the official ribbon-cutting duties. Local, state, and national officials joined the public in sending the hybrid vehicle on its maiden voyage with the Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority (RTA)
The celebration continues all the weekend. On Saturday, Oct. 25, there will be a Community Open House & Scavenger Hunt along the HealthLine route. At 6 p.m., a free family concert downtown on Mall B features entertainment from the Disney Channel, and American Idol winner Jordin Sparks. A fireworks show choreographed to rock classics concludes the evening.
Service on all RTA trains and buses routes is free Saturday and Sunday. Weekend details.
Local foundations, the business community, non-profit organizations, the cities of Cleveland and East Cleveland, the Cleveland Clinic, University Hospitals, and RTA all played a role in the planning of the event. The unveiling of the line presents an opportunity to bring Clevelanders together – drawing attention to our city’s many cultural and intellectual assets, celebrating what has been accomplished and what the future holds – pumping new life and energy into our town.
RTA General Manager Joe Calabrese is thankful for the community support.
From businesses and foundations, to our cultural institutions and civic leaders, we were all in agreement that the city needed to celebrate the current and anticipated $4.3 billion in new development along the route,” says Calabrese. “Donations, both cash and in-kind, took this idea and turn it into reality. We believe the events planned for this weekend should attract folks from throughout the region.
The HealthLine connects the region’s two largest employment centers – downtown and University Circle. Beyond this, it’s the connection to the region’s new economy. Industrialists — like Rockefeller and Severance — made Euclid Avenue a showplace for the city. Along the route, one will find world-class health care, and a world-renowned orchestra, inspiring art and architecture, and nationally respected centers for learning and entertainment. The once-famous avenue is also becoming a place for tech firms, empty nesters and Iron Chefs. And soon, it will be a place to display advancements in medical technology, with the creation of the Medical Mart.
Creating a fast link between downtown and University Circle will address a logistic issue that has hindered the city’s development for a number of years – the separation of hotels, major employers and venues in Cleveland’s central business district from cultural institutions, hospital systems and research centers. The short 20-minute commute will change the definition of what is perceived to be the city’s “center.” It will also change the direction in which people are commuting – with Warehouse residents boarding the HealthLine in the morning for a day of work in University Circle and Case students catching a ride at night for a game at Progressive Field.
Like Silicon Valley in California and the Quadrangle in the Carolinas, the HealthLine route is Northeast Ohio’s center for job creation and research. It’s also a catalyst for redevelopment. More than $4.3 billion in development has occurred or has been committed along the route. This includes rehabilitation of old buildings into housing and retail centers, new locations for business startups, and major expansions at universities, museums and hospitals. Signs of this investment can already be seen in downtown, midtown, University Circle and East Cleveland.
The HealthLine will be the first federally funded Bus Rapid Transit line – putting Cleveland in the national spotlight. The transit system offers the benefits of rail without the tracks. This includes a faster commute through dedicated transit lanes and rail stations, off-board fare payment, and traffic signal prioritization.
Green thinking is an integral part of the HealthLine. The 21 hybrid-electric vehicles used on the line are powered by clean diesel engines and electric transmissions with 100 kW motors and 600-volt nickel hydride battery packs. This unique power train reduces particulate emissions while dramatically improving fuel efficiency. Along Euclid Avenue, the planting of 1,500 trees has greened up the streetscape, and dedicated bike lanes provide commuters another green alternative to driving.
About RTA:
RTA is the nation’s 13th-largest public-transit system, serving more than 45 percent of all public-transit riders in Ohio. Its 2,753 employees operate 108 rail cars on 34 miles of track and 624 buses on 1,606 route miles.
Jaywalkers and nonworking fare machines were among minor glitches on the RTA HeathLine’s first day of operation Monday.
The bus/rapid transit system runs on Euclid Avenue from Public Square to the Stokes/Windermere station in East Cleveland.
The Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority had touted the fare vending machines in each station as a major factor in speeding up the route since people would prepay and board quickly at the front or back doors.
But the machines weren’t working Monday morning and likely won’t until next week, said RTA spokesman Jerry Masek. He said testing of the machines is incomplete, and, for now, drivers will collect the fares.
Jaywalkers, however, are likely to be a recurring problem, officials said.
Transit police were busy Monday issuing warnings to people who exited the vehicle, hopped off the station’s platform located in the center of Euclid Avenue, then crossed the street and traffic, Masek said. Riders existing the HealthLine need to walk to the end of the station and use the cross walk at the traffic light.
Riders will be given a grace period before RTA starts issuing tickets, he said.
Also Monday, many people appeared to be unaware that they were supposed to board the new vehicle instead of the popular No. 6 bus it replaces, Masek said. The transit authority may post temporary signs about the HealthLine.
A number of RTA officials were in and around the HealthLine before 6 a.m. Monday to help riders, Masek said. They also passed out cards listing new fares on all RTA bus and rail systems that went into effect Monday. Most riders were aware of the fare increases, Masek said.
That above may all sound nice and everything but, I think its retarded. You got this big ass pole sticking right in the middle of the aisle on these buses. So if a driver is going fast and then slam on his breaks and they’re walking to find a seat at the same time all the other shit is going on, they’re going to smack dead into the pole.
The far has gone up once again. Mind you this is not cause of gas; far from it. They built this big dumb ass pointless Heathline in the dead center of the street and it the vehicles alone where 1 million bucks a piece and I believe there is 10-15 of them. Yes its cause of that. There was nothing wrong with the old regular buses and bus stops we had. They went and wasted money on shit we didn’t even need. Knowing damn well the coaches is going to be vandalized within the next week or so.
No telling when the prices to ride the bus is going to drop. Which I doubt will be any time soon. I’m better off paying for a car note and gas than riding the bus. People were riding the bus to get a relief from driving with the gas prices rising well they mind as well dust off their keys and hop right back in their cars cause riding a bus and paying for gas is no different.
Update:
Riding the ‘HealthLine’, I’ve noticed a few things. First the pay boxes are outside in the bus stops, not on the bus. They do it this way because they think it’ll be faster that way and so they can fine you when you don’t have your tickets when the Transit Authority make random checks. Second these random checks the transit authority make don’t really solve anything. There’s days they don’t check at all and there are days they’ll check once. When they do make these checks, the people with no tickets just watch out for them and get off at that stop they’re standing at and the transit police don’t even check them.
The transit police just hops right on the bus and check those who is still on and not those who is getting off. Thirdly, the fines are from $80 to $250 and if you have a certain amount, they’ll put you in jail. Some people tend to get away with getting these fines because when they see that the transit police is about to get on the bus, they’ll run like a bat out of hell off the bus [most of the time these multiple offenders are of course black]. Now the bus has to sit here while the transit police make a report so in case there’s a transit officer patrolling in that area, they can catch him/her. I honestly believe they did it this way so they can get all that money back they wasted making the HealthLine a reality. It’s a pain in the ass and it’s pretty stupid. The bus drivers drive so slow up the street and often times there are 3 of them going one way at once and there’s usually two of them with little to no people on them. Then when someone is in their ‘lane’ they don’t even give the person a chance to move out-of-the-way, they prefer blowing the person ear-drums out with their loud and obnoxious horn. I can see if they were late but half the time – most of the time they’re on time and doing below the speed limit, so what’s the fucking hurry?
For one way, it’s $2.25; for an all day pass it’s $5.00. The fare is supposedly supposed to go up yet again at the end of the year. It wouldn’t have to go up any higher if they didn’t make this waste of space in the middle of the damn street. Ohio’s tax is $7.25 in some places and $10.00 in others. People are leaving by the boat loads and they want to constantly raise every damn thing. In a minute all you’re going to see is tumbleweed and crack heads on every single corner; they’ll be the only one who can’t afford to leave.
Fast link my ass, I can get out and run faster than the damn buses that crawl up the street like they could be doing something else. If my knees would let me, I would. The HealthLine has been in fruition for a good solid 3-4 years now. Where the hell are the jobs they’re supposedly talking about huh? Who got the jobs? RTA’s Transit Police?
They need to get bus drivers with better attitude. I remember on one occurrence when the fare boxes weren’t working and I got on the bus to pay. The old bag got mad and asked me did I do it right. Bitch I fix and build computers for a living, I think I can work a punk ass fare box! She acted as if me paying my fare on the bus was a huge disturbance. I so wanted to tell her if she didn’t like her job she should quit, if she can’t quit she should learn to deal with her misfortune and be grateful her old wrinkly ass still have a job. Oh but don’t be on the regular buses and they’re driving slow. Not because they’re early but because they’re talking to someone who should be sitting their asses down in a seat and not distracting the driver. You think my language is bad? Well this woman who was driving a 2241 bus; I remember the number for some odd reason, I would have remembered her name but she didn’t have a name plate any where. She was cursing so bad she could make a sailor blush. Cursing loud in front of elders and children. I wanted to so badly to kick that man who was blocking the walkway just to talk to the driver in the back of his damn head. They’re smoking on the buses, talking on their cell phones, yelling off the bus; conversing with people on the side-walk, waving hi to people they know. Do that shit when you’re in your car…alone. Not when there are other people lives in danger here.They have no regard for anyone else, they’re nasty and disrespectful. I should put not all in here some where huh? Well yea not all of em are but the majority are. Especially the women drivers. Picking their nails, texting, eating, keeping up with the drama amongst the people who supposed to be seated but standing in the aisle crowding the bus up and slowing down the flow of things.
Another thing, people with wheelchairs, they don’t care. They just let the person roll on the bus; get in the wheelchair area of the bus and then they’re about their business. They don’t tie the person down, use restraints or anything. With these crazy ass drivers literally stomping down on the breaks, the person could fly out of their chair, then who can spell ‘lawsuit’? Yep, you got it; hopefully they can as dumb as these Clevelanders are. RTA has had a lot of accidents due to dumb ass drivers in the past few years, you would think they would be more cautious. They only thing they did was pretty much put a loud-speaker on the outside of the bus that says that “the bus is turning” and to “look both ways”. After that last incident where the bus driver turned her bus right into someone who was in the cross walk crossing the street. The poor man had the right away of course. Here people can turn on a red light and things like that. The woman that hit him was on her cellphone; she was suspended. I think she’s in jail now. Shit she better be; vehicle manslaughter. The way they cut people off, they cause a lot of accidents that way. They think because they’re riding a bigger vehicle they can do what they want. One day they should hop in their car and forget they’re in a car and cut someone off. Or be behind a bus that cut them off and see if they like it. I mean that’s if they’re driving; I’m seeing more bus drivers catching the bus to their job than anyone else.
If I had a choice I would ride a bike or simply walk but I’m pretty much disabled and at the moment sadly, RTA is my only option.
Like this:
About You
Well, since you basically hung up on me I guess since I’m through blogging the shit out and actually verbally speaking to you would be like talking to a brick wall. I mind as well just sit here and type it being the fact the Internet isn’t working.
You really know how to piss someone off. Besides, coming over entertaining you with a damn 360 or helping you buy groceries what else am I good for? What kind of shit is “you wouldn’t understand”? How the fuck do you know that? Sometimes I wonder why do I even waste my damn time, why the fuck do I even bother?
You swear up and down your life is worse than mines when you don’t even know half the shit I’m even going through besides excruciating back pains that happens 24/7. Besides watching my grandmother watch her son die, she’s dying herself. Its 3 really sick individuals that live in one house, 9/10 my mother or grandmother is going to have to bury their daughter/granddaughter. Being the fact that you didn’t know but when I am here most of the time, I have to be in a wheel chair, sometimes I wake up and can’t move my legs cause of the car accidents. It really happens when I wake up and it looks like that shit only happens when I’m HERE in hell. I’m bi-polar, I refused to believe it at first but now I can’t deny it. This surgery I’m suppose to have next month, there’s a possibility I could DIE. I’m supposed to be in school and out by now, I should be having a career, I’m supposed to have my shit together but I don’t. I have a mother who sits in her room around the clock and drinks and only comes out to bark orders. She doesn’t even look me in the face let alone speak to me. I have siblings who don’t give a damn about the person who raised them their whole lives and I have to deal with that shit every time I’m here. I’m a prisoner here cause I don’t want to leave my grandmother here. I’m unhealthy cause of it. I have emotions I can’t control and others I can’t express. I have alcohol fetal syndrome and it only get worse as I get older. I’ve had two miscarriages. I’ve been raped before; I’ve been jumped more than I can remember. I’ve even had an abortion. I have thoughts about all these things on a daily basis. Besides totally losing it and nearly killing people…I’m sane as ever. All cause I’m more cold-hearted than you think. I can never worry about someone else problems cause they’ll never be mine. So what if someone has it worse, I can’t worry about that shit. I have to worry about if the shit that’s going on in my life doesn’t get worse. Yea you stay somewhere you don’t want to be; yea, you don’t have a job. I don’t have a job; I can basically never work unless I get a degree or some kind. There isn’t shit here in Cleveland. I don’t even care that I don’t know what you’re going through cause it can never amount to what I’m going through so to tell me that I wouldn’t understand is an insult.
You don’t know me at all. Not one bit. Majority of the shit that’s being said in this little I guess you can call “blog”, I’ve never told another soul. Since you feel I “wouldn’t understand”. You sir, really are a cruel person at heart and you can truly be an asshole. I have yet to wake up and answer the question I always ask the following night. What the hell do I see in you? I’m not the “yella” type…the niggas I fuck with is way past your complexion and is at least 5’9-6’10. I don’t know what it is. One day I’ll know. I mean that whole fucking time I was with that sorry ass excuse for a human being, I wanted to be with you; don’t know why but I did but the shit you did just pushed me away and you didn’t understand that. Its either what you want and not what someone else wants. I’m not the type to give someone my last or go through the things I did with you. The hell I look like paying someone else bills? I’m not that kind-hearted to NO ONE. But you I don’t know. It just felt like when I was doing those things that I had to prove something to you, just don’t really know what it is at the moment. I’ll never understand the things I’ve done.
I know one thing, before you; I didn’t care about the attention but its like now I need the attention. 3 years ago I could of cared less. Its just now I don’t get it as much, only when someone want something from me. You think you give me enough attention but you don’t. You can’t give me the excuse to why that I’m always sleep…I usually go to sleep cause you’re too busy on the computer. I sit and wait patiently and end up going to sleep.
That’s another thing, I don’t like conflicts, and I rather deal with shit than open my mouth, just to avoid arguments or shit that leads to one. I don’t like that at all. You have seen what happened when you screamed so imagine if I raised my own damn voice. I’m not gone make you change just for me. I try to keep you happy by letting you do what you want to do. I don’t like being the nagging broad or the person that no one wants to be around. I try my damnedest not to be someone that someone can’t stand so what do I do? I either keep myself occupied or take my ass to sleep. Yea there’s suppose to be communication throughout the relationship but when you know what’s going to happen when you try to communicate, you try avoiding it as much as possible. You either say, “no I don’t” or “why didn’t you say something” which you only say when I do say something and then you’ll say “no I don’t”. I’ll just be going in a big circle with you.
It’s sad that I have to do this through a word document on a computer. All cause I can communicate better this way. I’m a homebody; my grandmother shielded me from the world all the way up till I was 18. Things I’m supposed to know I don’t know. Feelings and emotions I supposed to have, I don’t have. Its not like I’m not trying to change that but I’ll have to undo all 18 years. That’s why I’m not a people person and yes they really do make me itch. I can’t be around too many people or I’ll get upset or mad. I’m not used to that shit. I’m not used to being around a large amount of people without constantly looking around me cause my grandmother put in my head ever since that I was little that someone is out to hurt and or kill me. It may not sound like her but you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Things always aren’t, as they seem. She’s my grandmother and I’ll personally kill someone for her or if someone hurt her cause yes she is the one who basically was my mother and father. She tried and now I’m trying. I’m trying to get on my own two feet.
Anyway, about you, you DO always have a lot of negative shit to say about me. Or concerning me, I don’t know why you do it but YOU DO. Again, I don’t waste my time lying on someone or to someone when the truth does more damage. I mean but damn, you seriously need to catch yourself. Some of the shit you say hurt even though I haven’t heard it all before. But someone who “supposedly” “loves” me doesn’t say hit like that. They’re supposed to be more supportive. Yea when I’m in pain you’ll help and all and I’m appreciative of that but that doesn’t dismiss the other hurtful shit you’ve done and I tend to put up with it. “How I’m supposed to know if you don’t say nothing”. Please keep that cause in a relationship its some things I’m not supposed to tell you, it’s supposed to be just that. You suppose to know certain things. If you’ve read this far and actually read it and not skimmed through it then; I’m amazed. Cause I have a lot to get off my chest about you.
I know in my heart that I love you with every part of my being and I don’t know why. It’s pissing me off and it frustrates me. I never asked anything of you, I don’t blame you for the situations you’re in, I don’t judge you cause of the fact that you’re in that part of your life that you’re in. Which is a slump. I don’t care about all of that cause that’s a part of life; everything isn’t going to go right. Look at me…nothing ever goes right for me. Here I am dying and I’m sitting here worrying about an overdue bill that was actually paid for.
Seven accidents? Who the hell survives 7 accidents, Superman? Not only do I ask what do I see in you before I go to sleep, I ask what the hell am I still here for? What is my sole purpose, to be God’s crash dummy? I know that was mean but, I’m dead serious. I’m losing all faith in this “God”. I’ve been praying for both of us since basically day one. I’ve lost faith in a lot of things but for some reason, every time I try and want to leave you cause of the relationship shit isn’t working out; I can’t. I don’t really want to. But what fool am I to keep putting up with bullshit here and there? Something HAS to shake.
I’m in pain majority of the day with the pain being from 5-10 not 1-10. It could be my legs hurting, my back hurting, my chest hurting, or all of it at once. I’ve been in so much pain and in so many types of pain, it’s so easy to ignore now. I’m basically used to it now. But when it’s a 10 and above then that’s where I gets mad and frustrated and cry. Cause I’m so sick of this pain and I’m sick of the tests and X-Rays and all of that other bullshit. I’m sick of taking walks and these Vitamin D consumptions. I’m sick of the pills. I want to be a normal 20 yr old. I want to be happy with life; I want to be able to walk places without worrying about if my legs are going to give way.
You are my escape from most horrible things that I deal with on a daily basis when I DO have your attention. Believe it or not, you don’t do much to make me happy. I may be a mean ass person sometimes but so what. It don’t take much to make me smile or laugh or keep me happy. If I’m around the right people, I’m happy. I’m a quiet person, who likes staying out of drama. I like keeping to myself and read. I’m a loner. I only have 3 GOOD friends. Even that is too much. I never had to worry about my “best friend” stealing my boyfriend. I never had to worry about my boyfriend sleeping with my sister. I never had to deal with most shit people with a lot of unnecessary friends have to deal with. & I like it being that way.
I don’t want you to change who you are if you know who you are; even if you don’t cause then I wouldn’t love you as much. Just don’t wait till last minute and look up and I’m gone …for good. I know for a fact though that’ll never happen cause I already told you that’ll I’ll always be there for you even if you don’t have anyone else if that means anything to you anyway. I seriously don’t know who you are, its hard figuring you out Ced. It truly is hard getting to know someone who can’t even come to me and just talk. I do want to talk and when I do try to talk you got your head so far up in the computer, I don’t know where you start and where the computer ends. Lately, you’ve been just light way ignoring me, you’ve probably been doing it all along, and I’m just now realizing it. I mean, I came to see you cause you missed me and I missed you even though I wasn’t feeling all that good and shit and you’re playing pool with some chick on Y! What was the point in me coming over then?
What’s the point in me even being with you when you got other females you openly respect more than me? Again please don’t tell me that I’m wrong, these are my feelings here so I cannot be wrong. I’m going by observations. It feels you only do things when your conscience feel guilty of something concerning of me. I may be way off but those are the feelings I’m feeling and those are the vibes I’m getting from you. I can read vibes really good, I can look at someone or be in a room with someone and in under 3 minutes I can know if I like them or not. I don’t have to know the person I just know that some people in my heart aren’t good or their vibes suck badly.
But like I said in my blog on myspace though, only but so much a person can put up with. If you appreciate them broads you’ll never meet more than me and they got more to offer than I do. Then go fuck them; let them put up with you, let them be there for you, over the net, let them love you. I’m sick of competing. Yes it feels I have to compete with them cause those broads are the world to you. You put off this vibe like they are, so right now to me they are. I’m not the type who like losing but I’m not a sore loser so if I lose to some CS/Myspace broad, then so be it. I’ll just be a friend whose just keeping a promise that I made to myself. If at the end all I can be is your friend then that’s what it’s going to be.
Wow four pages. By now you’ve probably closed the window and went back to COD4 or GHIII or Y! Pooling. Or I can do one better, browsing CS. Sometimes I wonder if that’s more important. It looks like it is. In a few months or less, I’m going to delete my CS. I’m not going to be on there for the rest of my life. I’m 20 and that’s old enough. As the Earth grows even older, more and more young kids are joining CS so why am I still on there? Don’t know. I’m hoping to have my own family before I’m 25 and I cannot have some site like Myspace or CS come in between that. I know how to let go and I know my limits. I just wish you knew yours.
This is pissing me off cause I really, really, really, really love you. My heart is hurting cause I cannot understand why. I would travel barefoot and on foot all over the world and back for you but I don’t understand why I feel that way. See that’s that bullshit. Anyway…
You’re my heart and I love you, and one day I’ll be able to tell you why. Until then, this is just something for you to think about, if you care enough about what was said or if you even read it and tried to understand where I’m coming from to even think about it. Just remember, you have to change yourself before your life will change and its not like you don’t have me cause I have changes to go through myself.
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The Relationship; The Issues…
Besides their being a fight on the floor my “boyfriend” lives on. Its been fairly quiet. I never had time to myself; it gave me a lot to think about. Though, with me and this “relationship” I’m in, my heart is telling me to throw in the towel; call it quits. Its no coming to an agreement with someone who has problems. Its not like I don’t know what I like in person, I do and that’s the problem. He does a lot of shit you aren’t supposed to do in a relationship cause he has problems. Well it feels as if I should just be friends with him without benefits cause this is totally getting out of hand. Yea he tries to change but that lasts a week or so. He’s kicking on 30′s door and hopefully down the line, he’ll find someone who wouldn’t mind walking in on him watching someone else on cam or asking for nudes or better yet taking advantage of you by pretending you don’t exist. Then maybe when she get tired she can tell him about himself and then maybe just maybe she’ll get over him saying “I don’t do that”. & still love him anyway.
This relationship is more painful and stressful than its worth. Saying nothing makes me miserable but saying something makes it worse. Well I can’t help if I don’t like confrontations or if being that I don’t like being a burden on someones life cause they’re so used to the same ole daily routine to even notice that there’s someone here who cares about them. What would he need from someone else that I’m not offering or giving? Its a lot of things unanswered cause he isn’t the type to talk to me like a human being. He’s comfortable to talking to everyone else but when it comes to me; its like if its nothing negative he won’t bother fucking with the subject.
I have to get upset or to get tired for him to want to ask me what he’s doing wrong. You know people who even asks that feel that they aren’t doing ANYTHING wrong to begin with. Reason why I don’t even bother half of the time cause it’ll be a lost cause.
Most of the things I explain to him isn’t really worth him going out of his way to him. I can tell by the way he treats me. He really don’t realize that he does the shit that he do. If I’m only here to fill the void then what the hell? I can always vacate the premises and he’ll can never hear or see from me again. Cause that’s what I feel like. Like I’m some toy or computer he messes with when he feels is the right opportunity to do so. Or when there isn’t no messages for him on Myspace, better yet when they’re aren’t much to respond to on CS or if people on his Y! List isn’t available for his bullshit.
He’s a bully too. I’ve never been in a relationship like this, he doesn’t intentionally, physically hurt me but he does it other ways besides disregarding what I say. I feel even typing my thoughts out is a waste of damn time and space for a more intellectual blog.
Okay, okay any human in they right mind know in a relationship its not okay to:
-Flirt/Cake. Some may not see it has being something wrong but when I see the shit? Maybe I’m being too possessive or not enough but he don’t give a fuck. Well eventually I’m NOT gone give a fuck and just leave and not say why. Or give him a heads up.
-Ask for nudes constantly. Its too many people asking me do I know that he’s still asking for nudes and shit and even got a caught a few times.
-Watch other females on Cam. I walked right in on one of his sessions. Be as it may, it could of been harmless but shit I’m in the next god damned room!
-Have numerous files of nudes/fan signs of himself and other females on a computer that is used by the girlfriend. If you’re going to have them make them disappear, that kind of shit destroys relationships.
-Treating other females better than your own girlfriend. & I’m not talking about the ones he know personally, talking about the ones he mess with that live across the globe.
-Spending more time on the computer than actually trying to make the relationship grow. I mean if he was around mentally more often and actually listened to me I wouldn’t have to pick up a damn game controller or go to a damn computer to keep from getting pissed.
-Inconsiderate of ones feelings. He does it so much and he sometimes don’t care. Like the other day when he came back from some where this nigga KEPT calling me “doggy”. What in the hell? I told him to quit but he didn’t. I’ve gone through enough verbal abuse for a lifetime and I’m not gone take that shit from him. I’ll kill him first and that’s on everything I love. I mean that’s from the bottom of my heart. I would go to jail over some small shit like name calling. I should only have to ask him once. I had to use profane language for him to realize I was fucking serious. He got one more time and I won’t resist. It WILL and that’s a promise be more than just a finger broken.
Anyway, he needs some growing up to do. A LOT of growing up to do not just SOME. Its getting really annoying typing this shit out and not telling him. What would be the point? I’m trying my damnedest for this to work and he not trying to make it work. I hope if this don’t work that he be alone for the rest of his fucking life with just his computer, some K.Y. Jelly, web cam and his video game controller.
The Single Life
I always hear people saying that they’re tired of the single life and that they want a boyfriend/girlfriend or what not. Well sometimes being single is the best thing for some. Like me, I’m not single but lately I’ve been wondering would I be going through these life changes, insecurities and this lack of trust I have with someone if I was? I highly doubt that I would. As I sit, think, wonder, observe, and put things together. I’m finding out more from my significant other without me opening my mouth. Most of it is negative but there’s no point in me even discussing that. Okay yesterday he leaves, doesn’t call, message nothing. Don’t let me know he’s okay, nothing. I got a call from my grandmother that evening and she needed someone to watch the house while she go to the hospital with the Uncle sense everyone else in the house was out. I couldn’t even go cause it was late but if It wasn’t I could of walked. He has my bus pass and he couldn’t even have the common courtesy to call and tell me anything.
He’s getting a little too damned comfortable in this relationship. Meaning his true form is showing. Its not like it was that much covered but shit I didn’t notice before; I’m catching on to. He got one more time to whatever me and I’m going to snap. He contradicts the fuck out of himself. He ask a question then when he gets an answer he didn’t/don’t want to hear he says whatever like he shouldn’t of asked or didn’t want to know in the first damned place. I’ve never been angry at any of my significant others every other damned day. Like I said in my other blog, this relationship is more stress than its worth. Day after day I’m finding less and less things that’s keeping me around. I’m just waiting on that last leaf to make its way to the ground. That last straw, that last drop; that last breath. I don’t know if I would snap or just leave. Its coming down to the point it wouldn’t even be a point in me even getting angry or even saying anything when it doesn’t mean squat TO him.
In a minute all he is going to have is his basketball friends, his best friend, his myspace friends, his CS friends and Y! friends but the girlfriend; is going to be gone. She might go back on her promise and not even be his friend. She might go back on her word and leave him. She just damn well might go back on everything she vowed not to do for the sake of her blood pressure.
Its like he think cause he has the title “boyfriend” he gets special treatments and shit. I mean yea the little shit but some shit he just makes me want to release all my anger out and clothesline the shit out of him. He don’t realize I can get angry enough to toss his ass. I don’t never remember much or know where the strength come from but someone usually gets hurt when I’m that angry. I hate bottling shit up, I hate repeating myself, I hate going through this shit over and over, I’m almost hate caring cause all it looks like to me is him getting a free ride. Well since he like living in filth; he like the way his home looked before I came around. Well that’s how its gone be. I’m not gone pick up after him at all. I’m going to let him be on his daily scheduled routine; like I’m not around or something. I’m going to act invisible most of the time. This living arrangement is only temporary.
SOON as I get me a damn job and a damned good one I WILL be looking for me a place ASAP. & No he can’t move in or come dirty up my place either. MAN it ain’t even about his capabilities of cleaning or the fact his house if I wasn’t there wouldn’t get/be cleaned. Its the fact he takes advantage of shit.
You know, I’m very random with my blogs, I jump from one topic to another but still is understood. Anyway, this medicine that I’m taking; causes mood swings. But this is NO mood swing. These are bottled feelings that can’t but want to escape, want to be heard, want to be seen, want to be acknowledged. But the man that is the main reason to all the madness is so blind, to the fact that he doesn’t realize he’s blind. He think its easy talking to him, he think its easy discussing shit to him. Everything is one sided cause he got this facade that he has all the answers. I hate that about him. He don’t have all the answers. He don’t know half of which he speak. When I cook, he has a problem with that. That irks the FUCK out of me when someone tell me what to do in the damned kitchen. I’m not kitchen illiterate. I know my way around. Let me move around that bitch to the best of my abilities. Don’t tell me what to put in a pan. Let me do this. You wasn’t in the kitchen when I started don’t try to be in there when I damned there finished. When I do eat, he has a problem with that. He says I play around with my food; I’ve never done that a day in my life. He says I never eat. No you aren’t around me every single moment. The 3-day weekend he was gone, I ate at least 50-60 times. I kept going back and back and forth to the store and to the fridge. I couldn’t stop eating and I haven’t taken my medicine yet. So he thinks he knows me, he thinks he knows my habits. When he only knows what he see’s. Nothing that happens repeatedly, just that one time and he knows right away I do it all the time. Get that bullshit out of here Ced. We have NOT ONCE sat down and told each other our dreams, or even told where and how we grew up face to face.
Haven’t even told you how I got so talented besides looking at shit and being stuck in the house when I was younger. Yea the shit I wrote you but the things you say and do to be is very obvious that you read it with your mind and eyes closed. Maybe you read it but shit you didn’t remember half the shit that was said cause you didn’t read it. I hate wasting my time thinking I’m going to get through to that person only to be let down in the end. I give my all and that isn’t enough. Some no MOST of y’all men of today that sit and chat with face-less people on the net day in day out is forgetting that it’s going to be a day where someone is going to care and be there for you, but y’all just gone push them away cause you let that e-life rub off on you and that’s all the hell you know. Half the time the e-life you’re living is fake and you just so happened to start believing the shit and start acting it out in real life. Whether its calling females bitches or just not being themselves all together.
Another thing, I’ve talked to my ex about all the nudity on this computer. That’s disgusting and rude as fuck to even have that shit right in your face and its also a sign of cheating and worse things to come/happen. Either that person got a problem or he just don’t give a damn about you and think them bitches he’ll never fuck is more worthwhile than the one that’s actually putting up with his bullshit and being there for him. He told me to let him keep e-fucking them face-less bitches miles and miles away. He gone look up and that’s all the hell he gone have.
He is great to be around don’t get me wrong there are some good qualities about him. Or I wouldn’t be sticking around. I’m a sucker for love but I ain’t no damn fool. Its not even about the sex; its pretty obvious I don’t need it in my life. I mean I get the occasional horny-ness but who doesn’t? Anyway, if it were more good qualities to out-weigh the bad qualities, I would be back in love with him but sadly, I’m out of it. I just love him. I’m not in love with him no more. That flame was a year ago. Its sad its going to be 3 yrs and I know less about him than I did 2 yrs ago. People say if you fall out of love, you were never in love to begin with. People fall out of love like a chronic depressed person stops doing things they loved the most.
Also its like he hiding something. My gut is always right and my heart. Every time I think about it; my heart beating fast. So yea he’s hiding something and its bad but he says he not hiding anything but I’m rarely paranoid. I’m rarely not on the money. & If he don’t just come out with it, this relationship won’t make it to this November and maybe not even that long. My heart is already telling me to throw in the towel on this relationship. Its not anything major that he’s doing that’s causing me to want to break up. Its the same little shit that keeps getting to me.
I know what I like in a man when it comes to a relationship. Just not with him, I don’t know whats keeping me around, I don’t know why I’m bothering myself with him. Not only does my heart tells me about the bad but it has a good side too. I think about down the road I guess. I guess that keeps the relationship going. Plus I can just sit and think about certain things he does or say and I just burst out laughing; damn there in tears.
Its very simple in fact; keeping me happy that is. Just make me laugh and do things with me. The attention my boyfriend gives me half the time isn’t something I want. Usually I end up bruised and or in a choke hold from him wrestling with my ass. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll get the attention anyway I can I guess.
If I had a dollar for all of the times I thought I’d found the right one
I’d be a billionaire
I could probably ride out and go and buy me one
I wouldn’t mind a dude
That could take my attitude
And take the time to listen
Someone that understands when I need a little space
And when I need attention. All you got to do is come around.
Too Through With You
I’m at home on my computer cause even the thought of using that despicable computer of my “boyfriends” makes my stomach hurt. Yea, this is another thread about him. Its not going to many more of these.
This man‘s actions speak so much louder than words. Its not like he don’t know shit. Its not like I keep him in the dark about shit. He don’t care. He’ll get all gussied up to go to some funky ass comedy show but when we go out he just wash under his arms and put on something that he had on that following day or just say he ready. I mean even though we are just going to the movies. At least care enough about your appearance. I mean shit when I leave from here it look like I’m going some where important and all I’m doing is to go see him and to just sit in the apartment the whole day playing video games.
I was sitting at the bus stop thinking about so much shit it almost brought tears to my eyes. I’m sick of blogging this shit out. If he didn’t make it feel like telling him would be a waste of his time listening maybe I would tell him. If he didn’t make me feel like my feelings are something not worth getting so worked up over then maybe I would have enough courage to tell him about himself.
He makes me so damned angry. I never gotten this angry over anyone I’ve ever been with. This relationship is truly not meant to be. I pictured me telling him to his face that I can’t do it any more and that I’m not in love with him any more and just breaking into tears. I never almost cried or gotten this angry over any relationship. EVER.
Being there more often and around him made me see the person for who he really is. Yea yea he tries and what not but it don’t last. It only last when I say something and if I keep saying something. But no he don’t do it cause it hurts me, he only do it to fill the void. Yea he don’t got shit to call his own, no money, nothing to show for what he went to school for but I loved him anyway for the personality I thought I knew but I don’t any more. I don’t know who the fuck he is at all. I thought I didn’t know him before; well its beyond that. I never felt so much anger when I look at him.
He don’t compliment me or nothing, we don’t converse like adults. We don’t connect. Only on a lets call each other names and bash each other level. Not on an serious level, that shit don’t exist. If I was to say that to him, he would say either I would get mad or why don’t I say these things? It wouldn’t matter because he already got it set in his mind that he know me. Actually telling him the reasons why would fly right over his short ass. I don’t get angry all the time.
Lately though, he hasn’t been considering me. This feeling of neglect has a strong hold on me and yes he has been neglecting me this past week and this week. I only see him so often now. Whats fucked up, I’M THERE! Not over here, but there. He’ll stay in the same room with me for five damned seconds but his love of his life, that sad, abuse, poor excuse for a computer beckons him every single minute that he’s around. I try to think of things to keep my mind occupied and what not, I try to do things to keep me from getting angry. I try so hard but I can’t deny the fact that this relationship is for the birds.
I put my all in the relationships I get in. Even when I have my doubts. I try helping out the best way I can. I try. He don’t realize what he has in front of him. He don’t care, he only trying to get in where he fit in. With his small ass, that’s every where. I can’t win, at all. Its either say something and get told you’re wrong in all types of ways but one. Or not say anything and feel worse than if you opened your mouth. I’m not the one to give up on things like this. Like he say I give up too easily. No the hell I don’t, I’m just sick of fighting for affection, attention, love. Cause he say it but I seriously don’t believe it. When I hear it, I hear, I hate you, I hurt you, I don’t love you. When I read it, its as blank as my face right now. The spark that once was in love with him is gone. I don’t even know if I just love him now.
He never even told me why he loves me or even want me around. I shake my head cause I’m realizing so much shit its sickening. I’m tired, the more I think about it, the more I’m so ready to give up & now that I’ve thought about it for the last two weeks or so. Its time to completely forget about him.
Conversation With A Hacker
This person hacked my boyfriend a few days ago and even though I was pissed that she hacked him. She made some points and ask me shit I couldn’t even answer. You might not be able to understand what was said cause she types like a damn an animal. But she types fast as hell. Anyway, regardless of the fact she invaded my privacy and was trying to show me something I’ve already seen. She didn’t have to hack me to see who I was.
||xhackzor.divax||: i hackd your bf
||xhackzor.divax||: i deletd hiz yah!
||xhackzor.divax||: i hackd u too wen u left 2 c yo friend cj i lukd @ all yo mssgs b4 i hackd yo bf.
||xhackzor.divax||: gav me mo of a reason 2 hack him
||xhackzor.divax||: hes hurtin u n he dont care.
Lee: So um, you deleted his Y!?
Lee: For what though?
||xhackzor.divax||: i dont lik hm…hes a whore.
||xhackzor.divax||: plus he dont like me.
Lee: You know what so fucked up about this?
Lee: I bet you one of them people off his list I told him about.
Lee: That came and told me that they didn’t like him.
Lee: You from CS?
||xhackzor.divax||: yah i hav a cs name
Lee: That’s what I thought.
Lee: So just cause you didn’t like him, you delete his Y!
||xhackzor.divax||: yes
Lee: What else you delete?
||xhackzor.divax||: hz pb
Lee: What?
||xhackzor.divax||: photobucket
Lee: You’re petty.
||xhackzor.divax||: i did u a fava he had all typz of nudez
Lee: I know this already, he has them shits all over his computer, so what else is new?
||xhackzor.divax||: but YEW HIZ GURL.
Lee: Well, he doesn’t see it that way.
Lee: So, you hacked me..you actually got around all my programs?
Lee: I applaud you, I haven’t been severly hacked in YEARS. Almost 8 yrs since that last happened by the way.
||xhackzor.divax||: ty
||xhackzor.divax||: i wnted 2 c who u were
Lee: Well?
||xhackzor.divax||: u can do betta than wat ure doin.
||xhackzor.divax||: he don luv u
Lee: -sigh-
||xhackzor.divax||: itz tru
||xhackzor.divax||: nudesz
||xhackzor.divax||: him negelctin u
||xhackzor.divax||: i c u talkin 2 every1 bout ur relationship but ur bf
Lee: So, you gone sit here and tell me what to do?
||xhackzor.divax||: nah
Lee: Why it seems everyone that have a problem with Ced can’t spell worth shit? Whats wrong with y’all keyboards? Or your pride too strong to type like a human? Which is ass backwards by the way.
||xhackzor.divax||: o im comfterable typin like disz.
Lee: What ever.
||xhackzor.divax||: wen u git sick of him AGAIN n leav him AGAIN hopefully u’ll learn AGAIN
||xhackzor.divax||: i can c he haz worried u for the past 2 weekz now
||xhackzor.divax||: havnt ben around
||xhackzor.divax||: jus takin off 2 do otha things
||xhackzor.divax||: look lik a bum when u guys wan 2 go out but gits all dressd wen he goes out to some comedy club wit hiz momma.
Lee: I really don’t have anything to say…
||xhackzor.divax||: u dont hav nothin 2 say cuz itz true.
Lee: But you invaded my privacy.
Lee: & You’re sitting here telling me things I’ve told other people.
Lee: Yes Ced has been neglecting me, he has been hurting me.
Lee: Why I’m sticking around I don’t know.
Lee: I don’t think I’m even in love with him any more.
Lee: Why I’m talking to the person who hacked him, I don’t know.
||xhackzor.divax||: itz cuz u wantd 2 hack him ur self
||xhackzor.divax||: delete hiz whole nudez folderz
||xhackzor.divax||: but dat waz it.
||xhackzor.divax||: u aint think of the phbkt
Lee: He’s a man.
Le: He has problems.
Lee: I can tell he like seeing nudes.
Lee: He even made nude fan signs of himself for someone else.
Lee: That hurt me more than the nudes he had of other chicks. But those could have been before he met me. But why would he leave them on the computer for me to see? I don’t know.
||xhackzor.divax||: yuh i know i seen em.
||xhackzor.divax||: n 2 answa yo ? itz bcuz he dont respect u
||xhackzor.divax||: dat otha ced yo best friend he luvs u like a man shud
||xhackzor.divax||: he in pittsburg tho.
Lee: Don’t tell me you hacked him too.
||xhackzor.divax||: nah i red all ya mssgs.
Lee: SMH.
||xhackzor.divax||: ced saiz he luvz u he only luv lik u said enough 2 fill tha void.
Lee: Yea he may only want me around to fill the void.
Lee: Its not like I don’t think and don’t know these things.
Lee: I can’t get his Y! back since you deleted it.
||xhackzor.divax||: u r very very very very very vey vey very hard 2 hack by da way
Lee: I know this.
||xhackzor.divax||: u miss him dont u
Lee: Yea, I do I’m more pissed than anything cause he hasn’t called.
Lee: Even when I was over at his place all he did was get up and got gussied up, he didn’t tell me where he was going nor did he tell me when he would be back.
Lee: I don’t talk to him? THIS MOTHERFUCKER DON’T TALK TO ME!
||xhackzor.divax||: jus drop him
||xhackzor.divax||: u n cj wud make a beautiful couple.
Lee: You took notes or some shit or you ain’t have shit else to do?
||xhackzor.divax||: i wantd 2 kno who u were.
||xhackzor.divax||: u interest me.
||xhackzor.divax||: ur a very strong beautiful woman asilee
||xhackzor.divax||: i cuda destroyed ced computer buht i didnt wan 2 hurt u
||xhackzor.divax||: he might think u did it.
Lee: & if I did? What the hell would he do that he hasn’t already done?
Lee: He can’t cause me no more pain than he already has.
Lee: I give him my all and he just takes it for granted.
||xhackzor.divax||: i kno asilee
||xhackzor.divax||: u can do betta
||xhackzor.divax||: u luv him but tha feelin aint mutual
Lee: What makes you so sure?
||xhackzor.divax||: cuz
||xhackzor.divax||: he wud show it
||xhackzor.divax||: tha things uve describe indicate hiz actionz r speakin way louda than hiz wordsz
Lee: Yea, you got that right.
Lee: I guess he don’t love me.
||xhackzor.divax||: he really dont
Lee: But if he didn’t, he wouldn’t of did the things he did for me.
||xhackzor.divax||: wel he haz a heart some whea n dat body of hisz
Lee: No the hell he don’t.
Lee: He talks so negative to me its fucking horrible.
Lee: Everything I do, eat, say is a problem to him.
Lee: He has to talk down on me all the time.
||xhackzor.divax||: den y u jus sat here n tried 2 defend him if he didnt hav a heart
Lee: Cause he did do some good things for me.
Lee: Even though I do more good things for him. I don’t ask for much half the time not even a thank you.
Lee: I just want to show him that I love him.
||xhackzor.divax||: stop wastn ur time
||xhackzor.divax||: he dont luv u
||xhackzor.divax||: hez a bitch azz nigga a coward a bum a piece of crap
Lee: Now you didn’t have to say all of that.
||xhackzor.divax||:itz true
Lee: Its not.
||xhackzor.divax||: w/e tho
||xhackzor.divax||: keep stickin aroun 2 get hurt
Lee: You didn’t have to delete his Yahoo Account, he just got hacked and he was looking for jobs and that was the way to contact him for jobs.
||xhackzor.divax||: oh wel sukz 4 him
||xhackzor.divax||: he gon reap wat he sew
||xhackzor.divax||: since he dont lik me now he got a bigga reason not 2
Le: SMH
Lee: As much hate I have for Ced right now. I wouldn’t do no shit like that even if I do hate his guts right now.
Lee: You could of just hacked me and destroyed my shit, you didn’t have to hack him.
||xhackzor.divax||: i dun understand y u still hurt dat i hacked him
||xhackzor.divax||: he hurtz u all da time!
||xhackzor.divax||: n u still luv him
||xhackzor.divax||: u a idiot
Lee: I guess I’ll be that.
||xhackzor.divax||: dats fukd up
||xhackzor.divax||: i wudnt stay wit no1 who hurtz me
Lee: …
||xhackzor.divax||: ok ok lemme ask u diz
Lee: Ask me what?
||xhackzor.divax||: do he got $?
Lee: No.
||xhackzor.divax||: do he take u out
Lee: No.
||xhackzor.divax||: du he spend qality time wit u
Lee: No, not really.
||xhackzor.divax||: wtf r u still wit him den
||xhackzor.divax||: watz makin u stay
||xhackzor.divax||: i kno it isnt tha sex i bet
Lee: You’re upsetting me.
||xhackzor.divax||: i want u 2 b
||xhackzor.divax||: i want u so u can figa out y u still wan 2 b wit some1 who haz nothin
Lee: He don’t have to have materialistic shit.
Lee: Of course if I was only with him for money and sex.
Lee: I would of been left.
Lee: I don’t give a damn about having sex though, I don’t have to have it.
Lee: But that materialistic bullshit you trying to feed me …you know what?
Lee: YOU can CHALK it.
||xhackzor.divax||: still havnt answerd my ?
||xhackzor.divax||: y r u wit him
||xhackzor.divax||: u think he wont b able 2 find someq else
||xhackzor.divax||: some1
Lee: No I don’t think any of that.
||xhackzor.divax||: den y
||xhackzor.divax||: y r u wit a bum
Lee: Why are you judging him?
||xhackzor.divax||: y r u answerin a ? wit a ?
Lee: Cause I don’t understand why you’re even involved in this and wanting to know these things about me, I don’t even know why you wanted to know who I am.
Lee: Why?
Lee: I can’t understand how someone can just hack someone for apparently no reason.
Lee: You, you just hack cause you didn’t like him and all cause he didn’t like you.
Lee: What kind of shit is that?
||xhackzor.divax||: real shit
||xhackzor.divax||: wen u dont like some1 u do somethin bout it
Lee: Yea whatever.
||xhackzor.divax||: now tell me
||xhackzor.divax||: y r u wit a bum
Lee: He’s not a bum!
Lee: Quit fucking saying that!
||xhackzor.divax||: dis guy haz hurt u
||xhackzor.divax||: n u take up 4 him
||xhackzor.divax||: wat is it bout him u luv so muc
Lee: I don’t know okay?
Lee: I don’t fucking know.
Lee: I just know he needs me right now. I don’t want to abandon him but he keeps making me want to.
Lee: I don’t want to go back on my promise to always be there for him.
Lee: I told him I would love him no matter what I would be there for him, he will always have me.
||xhackzor.divax||: wel sweety hez takin dat fo grantd
||xhackzor.divax||: he kno u gon stik around so he gone use dat 2 hiz advantge
Lee: That could be true but I don’t think he would do that to me.
||xhackzor.divax||: n 1 of ur mssgs
||xhackzor.divax||: u told some1 u dont evn kno who he iz
||xhackzor.divax||: y iz dat
Lee: Cause we don’t talk we don’t sit down and talk. He knows more about me than I know about him and I willingly told him those things.
Lee: He can’t seem to do that to me cause…
Lee: I don’t know.
||xhackzor.divax||: cuz he dont luv u
||xhackzor.divax||: if he treatz otha bitchz betta than u specialy dem online bitchez u dun have shit comin asile
||xhackzor.divax||: git out this relat. while u can.
||xhackzor.divax||: u can b his friend n still b there for him
||xhackzor.divax||: u can still luv him
||xhackzor.divax||: find some1 thats gone luv u like u luvd him
||xhackzor.divax||: stop hurtin ur self
||xhackzor.divax||: i kinda now feel srry dat i hackd him
||xhackzor.divax||: i thought hackin him wud make u feel betta
Lee: Once ago it would had.
Lee: But now, he didn’t need that bullshit.
Lee: Now he has to start from square one again.
Lee: I don’t even know who you are for you to think that I would want you to hack him. If I wanted to, I could of destroyed his shit a yr ago when I first left him if that’s the case.
||xhackzor.divax||: i waz already n da process of hakin him fo a while
||xhackzor.divax||: den i find out u wit him
||xhackzor.divax||: i wantd 2 c how gud of a hacka u r
||xhackzor.divax||: u r a gud 1
||xhackzor.divax||: cuz indeed i hav 6 viruses now n 157 trojanz
Lee: Good for you.
||xhackzor.divax||: gurl find some1 else
||xhackzor.divax||: he not worth it
Lee: Oh yes he is.
Lee: In my eyes, his short ass is!
Lee: I’m not about to give up on so easily like I was about to.
Lee: He always think I give up well not this time damnit.
Lee: He may not feel the same about me about certain things but I don’t care.
Lee: At least in the future he’ll know someone really loved him with all the soul she had left.
Lee: At least I hope he realizes that.
||xhackzor.divax||: yuh ma well i didn giv u nothin on yo computa
||xhackzor.divax||: u wernt tha 1 i wantd to attak
||xhackzor.divax||: ur luv and desire iz so strong
||xhackzor.divax||: i jus feel he does not deserve dat or u
||xhackzor.divax||: he wont even give up cs 4 u
Lee: I’m still on there.
Lee: Until my Birthday anyway.
||xhackzor.divax||: which iz sept 7
||xhackzor.divax||: i hope he realiz wat he haz b4 itz 2 late
||xhackzor.divax||: u r one n a trillion
||xhackzor.divax||: he will neva find no1 who stick around and luv him 4 who he is ever agin
||xhackzor.divax||: i guess im srry about hackin him n u but i still dnt like him
Lee: You don’t have to. I love him and thats all that SHOULD matter.
||xhackzor.divax||: i hop he change
||xhackzor.divax||: a nigga like ur bestfriend wud kno how 2 treat u
Lee: I know that but I’m not giving up on us and that’s final.
||xhackzor.divax||: wat if he cheatz on u
Lee: Well that’s where I would have to draw the damn line.
||xhackzor.divax||: but tha shit he doin is almost as hurtful as much as cheatin wud be
Lee: How do you know?
||xhackzor.divax||: cuz i can tell tha way u typd
||xhackzor.divax||: ur very poetic too
Lee: SMH
Lee: You’re not giving me any valid points at this present time.
||xhackzor.divax||: u luv him deres no gettin around dat
||xhackzor.divax||: i cant influence u 2 hate him n e more dan u already do
||xhackzor.divax||: y stay miserable
Lee: …
||xhackzor.divax||: u cant even answer dat
||xhackzor.divax||: im hittin all da nailz on da head
Lee: I wish I could hit you over the damn head.
||xhackzor.divax||: wat cuz im right
||xhackzor.divax||: now whoz bein petty
Lee: You, of course.
||xhackzor.divax||: no u
Lee: If I am, then I have the right to, you hacked my boyfriend.
Lee: You invaded my privacy.
Lee: You sat here and called my boyfriend names.
Lee: & You calling ME petty?
Lee: The fuck out of here.
||xhackzor.divax||: u mad now
Lee: I’ve been mad
Lee: I’ve been mad since Thursday.
Lee: Ain’t shit new about that.
||xhackzor.divax||: so ur madd er
Lee: Go away.
Lee: Cause I realize I give Ced a hard time sometimes and sometimes I can get possessive, and a bit jealous but unlike all the niggas I’ve been with. I can honestly say he do love me after I just sat here and thought about it. HE DO LOVE ME. SO FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!
||xhackzor.divax||: ok ok
||xhackzor.divax||: w.e
||xhackzor.divax||: im not gon hack him nomo
||xhackzor.divax||: no need 2
||xhackzor.divax||: he got 2 find jobz all ova agin
Lee: You is pissing me off…I swear you are.
Lee: I want to make a device where I can reach into the monitor and blow your brains out.
||xhackzor.divax||: lol
||xhackzor.divax||: k
||xhackzor.divax||: i stop
||xhackzor.divax||: gud luk tho
||xhackzor.divax||: u gon need it
Lee: I don’t need luck. You need it.
Lee: Now um, prepare for the worse the next time you cut your computer off and decide to cut it back on.
Lee: Yea well I’m about to boot you off right now so I bid you farewell.
I don’t know what made her think we was just gone have a woman talk without her paying a price. You hurt me by getting to him now you don’t have none of your programs or your computer. I hope she have fun getting that shit fixed. I thought I met my maker but all I met was a bitter bitch.
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My “Mommy”
Well since people are very comfortable with judging people. I feel comfortable with blogging this. So before you comment this saying that no one is perfect and that you should be happy that you have a mom and someones mom could be worse. Let me just say this, I can’t worry about no one else mom but mine. I’m not concerned about anyone else mom but mine. So fuck everyone’s mom right now but mine.
Okay anyway, my mom is only a woman with a title. I don’t know who she is except that she dropped out of college when she first got refund check and used it for alcohol and a VCR. She was a crack addict, started with my first youngest sister and ended with my youngest sister. Gave me and my brother alcohol fetal syndrome. I can’t remember numbers worth shit. He can’t read. I can read my ass off, he’s like a damn calculator. Even though my mom did all this to us, we’re still able to smart as fuck. The youngest out the 5 has graduated from high school or is going to graduate from high school with impressive ass grades. Anyway, my mom isn’t perfect and I seriously don’t believe she deserves that title. Anyone can mistakenly get pregnant and have kids. But it takes a woman like my grandmother to be a mom. I didn’t have the luxury of being the type that didn’t have to want for nothing. Yea, I was abused A LOT and have the scars as a reminder. Through all of that and even the fact my mom screwed my head over. I’m still me and people still seem to love me or like me. Not only is my name unique but people say I am too.
Out of 21 birthdays and Christmas‘s my mom has ruined 17 of them. I just don’t get her. She’s been to rehab over 250 times. Get out, wait a week and go back to drinking. Even when we even told her we didn’t like her drinking, she’ll sneak the shit in the house and do it anyway. Then in the same ass funky ass breath she’ll say she love us. Yea the fuck right…I’m with no faith as of right now. I don’t know if the abuse I’ve gotten as a child and all up til I was 18 has caused me to be more hostile than normal. Its a lot of things wrong with me but its only a problem when its provoked. I’m over emotional too. I just can’t seem to cry unless I’m truly pissed. When I’m sad its like I ignore that emotion. I’m aggressive. I’m not one of those type that’ll rub and hold you and shit or try to soothe you and shit. I rather just tell you to get the fuck over it and suck the shit up. But that shit is showing me that what they’ve done to me I’m doing to others and only cause of that is cause that’s all I knew.
Then I get these men in my life that lie to my face or half try and shit. Then on top of that half hear me. Swear up and down that I didn’t say or tell them half the shit I knew I told them. When I’m hurt or in pain, I remember that especially if I’m arguing with someone or if I’m upset and I tell someone something. But sometimes when it comes to remembering the good things; its a got damned blur. I can remember getting jumped clear as day faster than I can remember a wonderful day at the park. Its seems like I rather deal with abuse in a relationship too. Its not them abusing me in a sense, its me sticking around and letting shit I don’t like slip by all because I prefer giving people more than 3 chances. I used to hate when my mom tried to tell me things about a man. Like yea you was a prostitute and that’s how all 5 of us got here cause you needed a way to pay for your habit and all but don’t try to school me on shit when you couldn’t even help my grandmother take care of your own kids. You sat and watch your mother struggle with us. When all the hell you did was drink and get high. I still have that damn burn mark where your ass sat a cigarette on my leg. That shits still there. I’m only 9 months, in a raggedy ass apartment in the middle of the winter, I’m next to a open window in a crib while your ass is under a pile of blankets sleep. If it wasn’t for that man to take me from that building, no telling how more unstable I would be. I sometimes hate my mom but it don’t last long cause I’m not the type to hate folks. I don’t like using that word either. I seldom use it. But recently being in this relationship I’m in has caused me to use it a lot and it makes me wince every time I say it. Unlike how my family treat me…I started off as a piece of coal and as they kept fucking with me…I turned into a diamond with a lot of flaws. I can’t catch a break period. My mom is the root too all my agony. I look at her and look at me, only thing we got in common is we both have eczema and like salad. Everything else I wouldn’t even know, I don’t talk to her she don’t talk to me.
Affectionate was the word I was looking for earlier. I don’t know how to be that. I try but I feel weird like I shouldn’t be doing it. Unlike my boyfriend, I do try and do make progress. Its just this affectionate shit, its a damn struggle cause I don’t know what to do about that.
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